“Grace hunt” is a term coined by Ed Welch of Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation, and the idea is to identify evidence of God’s grace in a person’s life.  In other words, it means we try our best to find something good in a person.

In a household full of little ones who need daily corrections for one thing or another, we need grace, and lots of it.  It is easy to lose sight of what grace means in the midst of training.  Recently I implemented “grace hunt” in our home.  Rather than haphazardly going about it, I made it a daily instance during our dinner time.

I explained to the kids that “grace hunt” is like a treasure hunt.  Instead of hunting for treasures, we’re hunting for grace.  We want to see how God works in each person.  We started with me identifying evidences of grace in each child’s life during that particular day.  I can definitely tell that they really like it.  Who wouldn’t want to be praised?  I’m also careful in not merely boosting one’s ego through such practice.  I make sure that whatever good I see in a child is directed back to God.  For example, “I’m so happy to see you obeying quickly and finishing your chore.  I see God helping you to be more diligent and obedient.  Thank you.”  As I identifies evidence of grace in the children, I also encourage them to look for them in their siblings during the day.

I am very glad that we’re doing “grace hunt” on a daily basis because it helps me reflect on each child.  I often get derailed emotionally when I’m constantly dealing with problems so helping me focus on God’s grace in each child’s life is a good practice for me.  It definitely fights against disappointment, depression, or other negative sentiments.

Typically, we’re a low-key kind of family when it comes to gifts for the children for Christmas.  This year was an exception.  Now that the kids are older and they know what they want, but not in a demanding way, we want to bless them.  So this year, we splurged. With our parents’ generous giving, my brother’s, and ours, the kids got lots of presents.  They had a great Christmas.  The house was filled with much giddiness.

Each child easily got 10 gifts, not just any gifts, but gifts that they really desire.  One particular child who shall remain unnamed got grumpy when his/her very last present was opened because it was not to this child’s liking.  I was taken back by the reaction because this is after opening 10 fabulous gifts, but this child chose to focus on the one he/she did not like.  When asked what was wrong with the gift, this child put on a sour face and then burst into tears.  Needless to say, I had to address the problem right away.  We remedied the situation so all is well now.

The same evening my brain cell depleted brain started to spin and ponder upon this situation.  I admit that I was incredulous and unhappy that this child was so ungrateful for the many wonderful gifts he/she got.  Like I mentioned earlier, we splurged this year, but it didn’t translate to gratitude for this one particular child.  My husband started to blame himself thinking it was his fault because he picked the wrong gift for this child, but I disagreed.  I told him that in this case it was not the giver’s fault, rather it was the child’s poor attitude and ingratitude.  I can certainly understand the disappointment if this was the ONLY gift that we gave, but this certainly wasn’t the case.  After sighing and feeling incredulous, I had an epiphany.

Isn’t this how we treat God?  He has given us so many wonderful things, but we choose to focus on one small thing that we don’t like.  We complain about that one thing we either didn’t get or don’t like.  How easily we forget His generosity in other things.  We are so intent on that one thing that we complain about the Giver.  Why isn’t God giving me this or that?  It must be the Giver’s fault.

Parenting has taught me a lot about life.  It has so many correlations to how we adults relate to one another and to God.  A child’s sins/faults are more apparent and we can see them more clearly, but before we think we are better than them, we need to remember that deep down we are just like them.  Our faults are more easily masked so we can get away with our sins more readily.  But God is not fooled.

This Christmas season we were able to savor the coming of Jesus each of the 28 days leading up to Christmas.  It was a wonderful time spending approximately 45 minutes each night reading and talking about the coming of Christ.  Even though one of our children’s grumpy attitude upon receiving a gift he/she didn’t like put a brief damper on this joyous occasion, I am thankful that it is a lesson that reminds me of the ultimate gift of God: Jesus Christ.  This gift is much much more than we can ever ask for.  The Savior of the World came to save us from our sins.  What a wonderful gift!  I am thankful and eternally indebted.

Just came across this short paper aggregating a number of blog posts on friendship from Kevin DeYoung.

It contains some really good insights on the value and importance of friendship. Read it!

A friend sent me Amy Chua’s article Why Chinese Moms Are Superior last week to ask for my opinions and insights into Chinese parenting.  In the article, Chua boasted about her strict, rigid, and often berating parenting approach for her two girls in order to help them become successful.  This article has since gone viral, resulting in countless blog articles and TV appearances in anticipation of the newly-released book from which it was excerpted.  Many people cringed upon reading how she berated, coerced, and threatened her daughter into playing a piano piece perfectly.  Chua explained that she believed in her daughter and was willing to do whatever it took to help her daughter realize her potential.

I scoured the internet for comments, articles, and video clips relating to Chua’s article. Many Chinese Americans weighed in on Chua’s strict approach and denounced it.  Chua has since responded to the overwhelming comments from people.  Her response appears to be more toned down than the book excerpt.  However, although I was put more at ease after reading her response, I’m not entirely convinced based on these words:

“In a nutshell, I get my comeuppance; much of the book is about my decision to retreat (but only partially) from the strict immigrant model. Having said that, if I had to do it all over, I would do basically the same thing, with some adjustments.”

I’m troubled when I read that she’d pretty much do the same thing, but with some adjustments.  I’m really not sure what kind of adjustments she’s thinking about.  For me, it’s an entirely different model of philosophy so it’d need a major adjustment, not minor ones.

To me, a Chinese homeschooling mom to five children, Chua’s parenting approach definitely struck a chord with me.  I see many positive aspects to traditional Chinese parenting, such as the unwavering sacrifices Chinese parents are willing to extend to their children, a hard-working attitude, and being part of a strong familial support system.  However, there are many negative aspects of Chinese parenting that results in negative consequences that need to be addressed.

I’ve been thinking and writing and rewriting this post for a week, and no matter how I express my thoughts, they don’t seem satisfactory to me.  I initially wrote a lot about the ways that Chua’s “Tiger Mom” approach failed, disparaged, and damaged children.  However, as I thought about it, I realized that this wasn’t the heart of my concern.  Rather, I want to take a broader view or a high level view of this parenting approach.  Hopefully this post will help those who are baffled by Chua’s article, which generated both positive and extremely negative comments and even death threats.

The biggest obstacle Chinese need to understand and overcome is the accomplishment-based parenting approach.  It is a foregone conclusion in Chinese culture that children must build an impressive resume throughout one’s upbringing so that he may enter a prestigious college, which in turn will generate a high-earning job at a well-known company.  You will then be able to purchase a home, get married, and have kids.   This is the meaning of being successful.

I don’t necessarily have a problem with these goals, per se.  The biggest problem is that there’s no room for failure.  When parents set a path for their children with such high expectations and where failure is inconceivable, their children will suffer.  I am a firm believer in setting high expectation for my kids as well as pushing them to do things that are difficult for them.  I agree with Chua in that American parents have very low expectations of their children and that they’re always afraid of stepping on their children’s toes in the name of self-esteem.  However, adopting Chua’s approach isn’t the solution.  It’s like swinging the pendulum all the way from the left to the right.  One doesn’t need to employ one extreme measure as a way of countering the other.  I actually believe there is a middle ground where parents can put high expectations for their children, but with love, acceptance, encouragement, and a room for failure without a negative stigma.

It’s quite interesting to see different parenting styles void of God.  When there is no absolute, it’s one approach versus another and who is to say it is right or wrong?  As a Christian mom, I believe there is an absolute and I hold to the teaching in the Bible as the authority.  In the end, the fundamental assumptions of the typical Chinese philosophy of parenting end up diametrically opposed to the heart of the Christian gospel.  Let me explain.

Romans 5:8 says “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  Jesus loved and accepted us while we were still messed up, dirty, and unworthy.  This is how God treats us.  His love toward us isn’t based on anything we have done or could have done.  Love was extended in spite of us.

Jesus told the parable of the prodigal son to make this very point.  “Prodigal” means extravagant to the point of wastefulness and recklessness.  Pastor Tim Keller makes the excellent point that inasmuch as the younger son in the parable was prodigal with the wealth his father gave him; even more so, the father himself was prodigal — recklessly extravagant — when he received his disgraced, disheveled and dirty younger son back with not a word of rebuke or correction; but with only embrace and honor and joy!  This is the heart of the gospel, and I believe should therefore be the heart of every Christian’s thinking about what constitutes faithful parenting.  Any approach to parenting — however noble the goals or well-intended — must at its heart have this kind of unconditional love built-in.

In contrast, the typical Chinese mentality is based on what one can do or accomplish, and your worth is largely depend upon it.  If you cannot attain to what’s set before you, you are essentially a failure, thus worth nothing.  It’s hard for many Chinese children to believe that they are loved by their parents unconditionally.  I believe deep down that many children believe that their parents love them, but when they’re confronted by their parents of their failures, i.e. an A- or B+ (heaven forbid!) grade, it’s hard to fight against the notion that their parents’ love for them is purely conditional.  I know grown adults who grew up in this kind of atmosphere who are still struggling to “earn” their parents’ love by trying to please them via work, house purchases, financial decisions, etc.

The gospel stands in stark contrast to Chinese parenting.  We were loved.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Not by what my hands can do, but by the hand of God.  This is a precious truth.   Just as Christ have loved us, we too, should love our children the same way for who they are, not what they accomplish.  We should value our children for who they are; boys and girls made in the image of God.  This is sacred and valuable.  Their worth should never be devalued based on their lack of accomplishments.  This is unconditional love.

UPDATE: A friend tipped us off to an excellent analysis of the strengths & weaknesses of Tiger parenting.  We’d recommend it highly!

While hanging out with some friends I discovered that their little four-year-old boy was extremely skilled in riding a bicycle.  I watched him go and turn corners.  He was a little pro.  My six-year-old isn’t able to ride one yet.  I thought to myself, what’s wrong with us?  How come this four-year-old could do it and my older kids couldn’t?  Sigh. . . . we’re definitely missing something somehow.

A family we know are trilingual and their children can read and write in two languages.  We’re barely doing 1.5 languages in our house.  I’m still struggling to keep with up Chinese with the kids.  Sigh. . . . another downer for us.

Another family has kids who can swim like fish.  The kids could really live in the water.  My kids?  Only one can swim while the others are afraid of the water.  Not good.

Other families have their kids in music lessons and kids as young as four or five can perform wonderful music pieces.  My kids?  I’m barely teaching my oldest (8yo) to play the piano.  Hmmm. . . another demerit for our family.

As I thought more about how we’re deficient in many ways in light of other people’s accomplishments, I realize how easily I can adopt the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality.  As much as I want to stay away from that kind of thinking, it’s so easy to compare myself to others.  Every family has their own strengths and weaknesses.  Everyone has their own priorities and things that they value.  Naturally, everyone’s family and values look different.  So, why should one family imitate another?  We all have different emphasis and ours looks different from the next person.  Should it follow that we need to keep up with others in a similar stage of life?

The next time I’m tempted to compare myself or my family to others, I will instead reevaluate our goals as it pertains to our own family.  Most importantly, I need to have an eternal perspective.  Even though my goals or aspirations may not look the same as my friends’, what really matters is: do my goals seek to glorify  God?  Am I instilling a love for God in my children?  And am I persevering to bestow upon my children the most important gift of all: the gospel?

As my children grow and increase in comprehension, I’m finding myself talking more and more to them about the gospel and how it relates to their disobedience.  Naturally, our discipline sessions get longer and longer.  Even though it’s quite time consuming and emotionally laborious, I truly believe it’s beneficial that my children know how the gospel relates to them in everyday life.

Recently I had a conversation with one of the kids.  Once again, an act of unkindness towards one of his siblings is manifested in tears and sadness so we sat down to talk.  I probed and asked questions trying to help him understand the reason behind his unkindness.  When such kind of questions are asked, the most favorite and easy answer is “I don’t know.”  Such an answer is not helpful and can be frustrating at times as I’m trying hard to seek to understand.  I’ve now made it a rule that an “I don’t know” answer is not allowed and so far it’s been working out quite well because it forces the child to think deeper.  I also allow time for the child to come up with an answer by communicating that I’m willing to sit and wait.  No matter how bad the answer may be, I want to know it.  There’s no need to sugar coat the answer.  Usually the child is able to come up with an answer.

Once we’ve got an answer, we can begin addressing the issue.  Sometimes I’m a bit taken back by the rawness of the answer (e.g., “I don’t like my sister”), but at the same time I am grateful for it because it tells me that the child is being honest with himself.  I’m learning to identify with my child in acknowledging that I too, struggle with the root issue of his conflict with this siblings.  As much as he is a sinner, so too, I’m a sinner who sins and can identify with him.  However, we don’t just stop here.  I point him to Christ and tell him that his unkind act tells him that he needs a Savior.  The good news is that Christ died for his sins.  We can look to Christ with hope.  Jesus’ magnitude of love and sacrifice for us should compel us to live a righteous life.  After such discussion, I pray for him.

Whenever my children need a disciplinary action, I want to remind them their need of the Savior and the gospel.  I really appreciate Tim Keller’s words about the gospel in The Reason for God, and I hope that you will dwell on it with a deep appreciation for Christ.

The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me.  This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time.  It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.

I’ve been reading Counsel From the Cross:  Connecting Broken People to the Love of Christ by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Dennis Johnson and have been treasuring many nuggets of teaching and wisdom from the book.  After discussing how we need the gospel and what Christ has accomplished on the cross, the authors explain ways how we can be more gospel-centered Christians.  They offer a sample prayer for the end of the day when you have failed to obey:

Father, please forgive my sin and cause me to walk in holiness.  Thank you that my sin reminds me again how desperately I need the cross and how thankful I am for your grace [emphasis mine].  Thank you that you love me despite my sin today and that you will use even this for your glory.  Lord Jesus, thank you that you bore those sins in your body on the tree.  Thank you for your love and grant me grace to obey because of it.  (p. 84)

I wrote this prayer on a 3×5 card so that I can go back to it daily as a reminder.  This prayer is very helpful for me because I do feel like a failure at the end of the day because I mess up so many times during the day.  By dinner time I’m simply exhausted and feel beat up by all the sins I’ve racked up.  I feel it quite keenly of late.  Rather than despairing, I am told to be thankful for the opportunity because it reminds me how much I need God and the mercy He has shown on the cross.  How glorious!  I hope that you’ll find this prayer encouraging and helpful in your Christian walk.