And for those who are married, it might be a useful (though potentially taxing) conversation to have the same conversation with your spouse, with a view to being a greater blessing toward him/her.

That’s the impetus behind this next-to-last post in our intermittent series on relationships (in the last post, we hope to cover a bit on key principles while in a relationship).  And for this, we’d like to refer to some wise advice from (unmarried) author Lydia Brownback from her devotional book Trust.   In particular, she has a chapter titled “Good in Every Way” in which she speaks to this question of waiting for God’s provision with respect to this very heartfelt desire.  Below are a few key thoughts; the chapter in its entirety can be viewed online here at Crossway’s website.

Most of the single women I have known  over the years have desired to be married.  They have prayed long and hard for God’s provision of a mate, and surely many of those prayers have been answered with godly marriages… Others seem not to have received any answer at all to that prayer.  As the years go on, their discontentment lingers and their anxiety increases.  Oh, they recognize God’s blessings in their lives–great jobs, lots of friends, good churches–but they just can’t get past the fear that their chances for having a family of their own are growing dimmer by the year…

Perhaps you are struggling with your marital status… The reason we remain anxious and caught in unhappy limbo is not because we are lacking something we need–it is because we aren’t trusting God.  And the reason we aren’t trusting him, although we may not recognize it, is because deep down in our hearts we don’t really believe God is being good to us in allowing us to linger where we are…

God always has our best in mind, and he works to bring it about, no matter how it may look initially to our way of thinking.  We can trust him.

(Read the whole chapter)

As emotional as I can imagine being single can be, having friends who didn’t get married until their early 40s, and others who remain single past that age, Brownback is right.  How you respond emotionally is ultimately tied to what you truly believe is going on.  Do you believe that the right now is exactly what He wants for you?  Or do you imagine that He’s got something good for you down the road, but now ain’t so hot?  If the latter, your response will not be trust, but fear and anxiety.

If you’re in this situation, may the Lord grant you grace to understand His providence, believe in His goodness, and trust in His wisdom and love for you!

When is it appropriate to start dating?

The problem with most guys — as early as middle or high school — is that they simply rely on their “hormones,” take a cue from the world, and when a girl catches their eye, they start moving, even if they don’t know where they’re going!

There is a significant problem with this approach to dating & relationships.  Before you start on a trip, you really should know where you’re planning on going!  And you’d best be prepared for the journey.

Yet many young men (or should I say boys?) ask girls out, with no real thought of marriage in the foreseeable future.

So the answer I’d give is that you should start dating only when you’re seriously contemplating and preparing for marriage.  In other words, when you’re looking for a wife!

How do I know if I’m ready to look for a wife?

One part of the answer is this: you may know you’re ready to look for a wife, when you’re actually looking for a wife and not merely a girlfriend.  A man should only pursue a serious relationship with a woman if his desire to start a lifelong relationship of committed love and self-giving sacrifice.  Just the other day, Lois and I were talking about how epidemic it seems in our culture that young men (of marriageable age) are far more interested in fancy electronic gadgets and fun sports and activities, than they are in “settling down” and growing up into godly men who serve God with mature, thoughtful and passionate zeal.

So the first sign of “readiness” is a desire to grow up.  In fact, as a father of two boys, I’m keenly aware that as they enter their teen years, it will be a temptation to simply be kids as long as they can.  My goal is instead to start to encourage them even now (at ages 4 & 6) to look forward to becoming men of God, and not merely boys forever.  In fact, I’m training them early on (by example and instruction) so that by the time they’re of marriageable age, they’ll also be of marriageable quality.

Which leads to the other part of the answer.  You’re ready to look for a wife, when you’re ready to be a husband.  And in this, I defer to the wisdom of pastor Voddie Baucham, who suggests that a husband must be a person who is ready to lead!  Briefly,

1. A husband must lead in love.
2. A husband must lead in the Word.
3. A husband must lead in righteousness.
4. A husband must lead in selflessness.
5. A husband must lead in intimacy.

(I’d encourage you to click through to the summary of the message from which the above points were taken, as well as listen to the message itself).

Given that some of the above can be very subjective, it’s also important that any man consult older, wiser counselors (men, women, couples) to see if they think that he is ready to pursue marriage.

When is it appropriate to act on my interest in a woman?

Assuming you can affirm the above principle of readiness for a relationship and for marriage, confirmed by godly counsel, then the answer is simple.  You can/should act on your interest in a woman when you have had sufficient opportunity to get to know her in a non-romantic context, ideally in the context of family and group/church/ministry interactions and when your interest is confirmed by the counsel of godly believers.

To merely be “interested” in a woman means very little.  Sure, you may “like” her, but have you seriously asked yourself whether, based on what you know of her, she would be a good fit for you as your most intimate lifetime wife & companion?  Here are some more specific questions along those lines:

• Is she a woman of virtue?  Have you had opportunities to evaluate her character?
• How is her walk with God?  Does she demonstrate a concern for modesty?  Are Christ-centered humility and joy evident in her relationships with others?
• What about her personality and temperament, esp. in contrast/comparison to yours?  Does she seem the kind of person who would help to complement your gifts, as well as your weaknesses?
• Is she a woman who demonstrates a desire to become a wife (and mother)?
• Do you see any of her faults?  A good test to see whether you’re simply on “cloud nine,” is to ask yourself whether you’re only enamored with some idealized idea of who she is, than the real person (a sinner!).
• Are you attracted to her only along one facet, or across multiple?  Put another way, are you attracted to her spiritually?  Physically?  Relationally?  In some cases, attempting to reject the world’s approach of mere physical attraction as the sole criterion for relationship, men make the mistake of just going after a woman based on “spiritual” qualifications (as if this were the only Biblical way that a husband a wife interact).  But a successful relationship is built on multiple facets, and these should all be taken into account in evaluating one’s attraction to a potential mate.

If you’ve asked some of the above questions already, and believe they point toward more than just superficial attraction; have you sought out counsel from older believers, preferably married couples who know the both of you?  Are you willing to hear them say, “stop?”

If you have a green light on all of the above, I think it’s appropriate to consider indicating your interest to her.

What should I say to a young lady I’m interested in?

Dear sister, I have observed you from afar, and I find myself increasingly growing in affection over these past months.  I would love to know you better, in the prospect of future matrimony, but “one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.“

More seriously, I think this depends on your personality and hers as well; as well as your particular circumstances in life.  However, I think there are some bare minimums:

• your intention to court/date her for the purpose of marriage
• your seriousness in this venture — that it’s not merely rooted in “fancying” her, but in a serious considering of our desire to find a godly wife
• your willingness to wait for her to contemplate your advance and to consult with godly counsel, should she so desire
• your respect for her, and desire for honesty and openness regardless on whether she reciprocates your interest

Do not require an immediate response, and all the same, don’t be afraid to ask her to get back to you in a reasonable amount of time.  Incidentally, I thought this tale gave an account of a young man giving an appropriate courtship speech (emphasis mine):

In our first conversation he clearly told me he wanted to be a pastor, that he was going to have to go to seminary, that we would probably be poor, and that he wasn’t sure where we would end up serving. He also made it clear that if our courtship worked, we would get married as soon as we could. If I didn’t want that, we would stop the courtship immediately.  … We got engaged in six weeks and married as soon as I finished school in December.

Oh, and one more thing.  Have her read our post on “What’s A Woman To Do?” =-)

I’m not a ‘leader’ by nature, am I still required to initiate?

I don’t believe the Bible provides an allowance for a man to abdicate his role as leader in a relationship, no matter his personality.  A more reserved man’s leadership will take on a different character than a more outgoing man’s, but both are called in the marriage relationship to display self-giving, sacrificing, loving servant leadership.  Some of the most humble, meek and mild-mannered men I know have ably served their wives as leaders and providers, and it was not by changing their personality, nor by backing off of their God-given responsibility to lead.

If you’re unable to initiate a relationship, I’d encourage you to consider how ready you are to sustain one as God would have you do.

What if I’m not sure if she’s interested in me?

Go for it anyway.  If you’re afraid of her not “liking” you back, note that one of the most amazing God-glorifying, gospel-saturated weddings I ever attended was the union of a couple where the groom had initially been turned down by his bride several years prior, only to have their paths cross years later and the Lord bring them together.

Part of growing up and being a man is being willing to handle rejection.  I don’t like it, either, and I’ve had plenty of practice.  But that don’t mean I should avoid doing hard things.

Don’t try to “look for clues” to see if she reciprocates your interest.  If you have prayed, sought counsel, thought long and hard; and after all that truly believe she would make a wonderful helpmate to you, then go on and tell her so!

In other words, whether she reciprocates your interest should not be a gating factor in whether you should be willing to pursue her.  If she really is a godly woman, and you’re a godly man; she will find a gracious way to convey to you if she doesn’t see “the two of you” happening.  And you’ll both move on (or as above, come back together later on!).

I don’t understand girls/women. Any insight you can offer?

Ask your mom/sister(s).  Talk to women in your church.  Read blogs like Girl Talk and Radical Womanhood.

If there’s one thing I have learned from 7+ years of marriage, it’s that women are different.  And the greatest challenge for me as a husband is to appreciate and learn from our differences, and not merely dismiss those differences as (stereotypically) “emotional” and “strange.”

Remember: women are just people like you and me.  Aren’t you glad now at having read this post to encounter my brilliant insight?

Where can I find a godly young woman whom I might marry?

Find a church that is strongly committed to teaching, preaching, and living out the Word of God.  Look for one with a strong commitment to equipping families, and discipling men and women in their distinct roles and responsibilities before God.  It may not seem as great a place to find a wife as some churches that are made up mostly of eligible singles; but you’re a lot more likely to find a wife who is committed to the vision of Biblical marriage and family life in a church that is already building up families in such a vision.

If you live in our area, you’re welcome to check out our church. =-)

What’s an appropriate level of interaction with women I’m not interested in?

This question is actually not asked much by guys, sadly.  It’s one that’s been raised by a number of young women, however, that Lois and I have encountered over the years; so it is worth answering.

1 Timothy 5 says to treat, “younger women as sisters, in all purity.”  Sadly, purity (and related virtues) are not well-taught by the church and by culture.  This is not merely an exhortation to sexual purity, but in all respects.

Let me try to elaborate.  Don’t act in any way toward a sister in such a way that she might misinterpret it as romantic interest.  Don’t be overly involved in her emotional and spiritual life, especially in one-on-one contexts.  Don’t be “accountability partners” or pray with each other extensively or personal issues.  If you find she is inclined to share struggles she’s having with you, be bold enough to encourage her to find an older woman from whom she can gain encouragement, support and counsel.  Don’t go out to even casual meals with her alone.  These are all simply recipes for sending signals that you’re interested, when you are not, and have the potential for emotionally manipulating her heart.

In reality, the above should be applied even to a woman you are interested in, but are not yet ready to pursue.

For further reading:

• The Myth Called Adolescence:  an article from Rick Holland, Associate Pastor of College and Student Ministries at Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, CA
• Disciplines of a Godly Man by R. Kent Hughes
• Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Josh Harris
• Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart by John Ensor
  • A sermon from Ensor on the topic can be downloaded here

Should I initiate? Or is it always a man’s initiative to do so?

I believe it is wise for a woman not to initiate and should leave it to the man to do so. This may sound very old fashioned, but keep in mind that it was God’s design for a man to initiate and a woman to respond.

To clarify, it is not a sin for a woman to initiate. However, what I find is that when a woman does the initiating, she will soon find that she always needs to initiate in many other aspects of their relationship. With the woman as the lead, the man takes the back seat. They will eventually come to a point where both are dissatisfied with their relationship where the woman wishing her man be more of a leader. The man, on the other hand, may just be irritated because his woman who previously was satisfied with him is now dissatisfied with his lack of leadership. I really think when a couple does not look to conform to God’s design from the beginning, their relationship will inevitably suffer as a result.

What do I say or do with a guy who’s sending mixed signals?

I believe a woman has the right to ask the guy point-blank about his intentions. It is not right for a man to toy with a woman’s heart by sending mixed signals.

I believe there are two reasons why a man sends mixed signals to a woman. First, he might just be clueless. He may not know that the way he behaves in front of a woman is toying with a woman’s heart. If this is the case, asking the man directly of his intentions is helpful for both sides. It teaches the man to examine how he should act and behave appropriately with the opposite sex. Naturally, this helps the woman so that she is no longer confused of their relational status.

The second reason a man sends mixed signals is because he is truly interested. Instead of being brave or be man enough to ask a woman out, he is approaching it in a more cowardly manner. He would rather fish for clues instead of just coming out to make his intentions known. By asking him his intentions, she forces him to be honest and forthright. Again, this clears any misunderstanding or confusion both sides may have.

How do I say “not interested” graciously?

This is NOT how a woman should turn down a guy:

You could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it. … and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.

Ouch! And kudos to anyone who knows where this quote comes from. I believe most of my female readers out there know where this fiery rejection originates. For my male readers, the quote is from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and was spoken by Elizabeth Bennett to Mr. Darcy when he proposed to her (the first time — guys, read up on his very dignified response).

Now. . . onto the serious answer:

If a woman is not interested in a guy, she should turn him down a manner that’s considerate and gracious. Instead of saying no in haste, she should ask him for some time to consider his request. Keep in mind that the woman should only take several days up to a week to get back to the man. This is not a hold fast rule, just a kind and considerate rule. She needs to keep in mind that while she’s taking her time to think it through, the man is waiting anxiously. By asking for some time isn’t a stalling tactic, rather, it’s a way to prayerfully and thoughtfully consider a man’s request. Not only should the woman be praying about this particular decision, she should seek an older woman or couple’s counsel. She should not tell all her friends about this lest the man be embarrassed by it.

If after praying and seeking the counsel of an older woman or couple and she’s still not interested in the man, she should communicate to the man that at this point in her life, she does not believe that the Lord is leading them together as a couple.

How do I say, “Hey look over here!” discreetly? Or should I?

The only example I could think of in the Bible is Ruth who discreetly made herself known to Boaz, her future husband. Both Ruth’s husband and father-in-law died years ago, and under her mother-in-law Naomi’s guidance, Ruth presents herself in an appropriate manner to Boaz. Ruth did exactly what Naomi wanted her to do. In Ruth 3:6-13, we see Ruth uncovering Boaz’s feet and laying down at his feet at night. It wasn’t until late into the evening that Boaz realized there was a woman laying at his feet. After finding out it was Ruth, Boaz knew the meaning and promised her that if no one would redeem her, i.e. marry her, then he will. The rest of the book tells of the kindness Boaz shown on Ruth and Noami and in the end, he married Ruth after going through all the right channels.

There are several points worth mentioning here:

1. Ruth was under the guidance of an older woman, i.e. her mother-in-law Naomi. Even though Boaz was a close relative, he was not the closest relative, but Naomi knew of his character and chose him.
2. It was not inappropriate for Ruth to uncover Boaz’s feet and lay at his feet at night. According to the Bible Knowledge Commentary, “The uncovering of the feet was a ceremonial act that was completely proper. Probably the scene took place in the dark so that Boaz had the opportunity to reject the proposal without the whole town knowing about it.” (p. 425)
3. Ruth was recognized by everyone as a woman of noble character (Ruth 3:11). She was not an immoral woman who tried to entice Boaz to herself.
4. Boaz was not completely uninterested in Ruth. He noticed Ruth and was kind to her by allowing her to glean in his field. In addition, he invited her to eat with his workers and protected her (Ruth 2)

From the example of Ruth, how does a woman present herself discreetly before a man in the modern day? I think the best way to declare, “Hey, look over here” is to put yourself under the guidance of an older woman or couple. This older woman/couple should act as your agent or guide. They can pass your name along and inquire of the man’s interest. They can also assess whether the man you are interested in is indeed of good and noble character, just as Naomi knew that Boaz was a man of noble character.

Remember, Ruth was known throughout the town that she was a noble woman. Likewise, you should be known in your community as a godly, kind, and loving woman. Your inner beauty will attract the right person into your life more than any other beauty.

I have become attracted to a man and I have lots of feelings for him, but I don’t know if he’s interested in me. What do I do with all the feelings I have for him knowing that I am not in the position to initiate?

Keep in mind that feelings are fickle and fleeting. Don’t trust and rely on feelings solely. When women dwell on their feelings, they become so consumed by it that they make an idol out of the imagined possibility of a relationship. A woman should first check her devotion to the Lord and see if her feelings for a man have eclipsed her devotion to the Lord. If so, she needs to get right with God.

Even though a woman may have strong feelings for a man, she should simply lay those feelings aside. The man is not hers; so in the meantime, she should treat him as she might treat someone else’s husband.

What do I do while “waiting for Mr. Right?”

Instead of just waiting for Mr. Right you should try working on being Mrs. Right. Rather than focusing all your attention for the right person to come along, you should really seek ways to refine your character and prepare yourself for being the right person. Be patient and in God’s timing, God will bring the right person into your life.

Book recommendations?

Sure. For further reading, I’d recommend:

• Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliot
• Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney
  • This book’s focus on being a godly wife and mother. But there’s scarcely a better way to become so than by doing preparation rather than learning “on the job.”

What do you think about dating?

That depends in part on what you mean by “dating.” I came from a fairly conservative upbringing, so growing up I wasn’t really part of the dating scene. Not for lack of trying, ha ha. But my impression in general is that “dating” typically involves young people — including those in high school who generally are in no position or interest to marry in the immediate future — getting together and spending time alone. Sometimes the term “exclusive dating” is used to describe a context in which a man and woman are spending lots of time together alone and also call each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” with an agreement that they not “see” anyone else.

In most cases, no one starts “dating” looking to have their hearts broken. But one could equally argue that it’s a very small minority of folks who do date others who have even the slightest inkling of the “end goal” of such a relationship. Especially during the teenage years, it seems that boys and girls date in order to “feel loved” or accepted. I’m guessing if you surveyed high school aged youth who are exclusively (or even loosely) dating others, you’d be hard pressed to find more than a sprinkling of folks who’d say they were dating with marriage in mind. And that is, I suppose, the general problem with dating. For most people, dating is a bit like a test drive. They like how the car looks, they’ve looked a bit at the specifications, and they want to take it out for a spin. But if it’s not comfortable or doesn’t fit them quite right, they take it back to the dealer and look for another. The problem is: people aren’t cars, and we weren’t made to be “spun.” A dealer test car scarcely puts on a few hundred miles before getting sold and is more or less new, untainted condition. But people who “date” end up getting their hearts entwined, entangled, and usually broken at least a couple of times. What does that do to their heart? I’d suggest it’s the psychological and emotional equivalent of scar tissue.

And I’m not even talking about the secular culture which doesn’t even blink twice about physical intimacy (sex) between unmarried, uncommitted couples, often called “hook ups.” I do think, however, that as much as the church talks about sexual purity — and with cause, for the Bible is especially stern about sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6:18-20) — we also need to be aware of the damage caused by emotional and spiritual intimacy that’s not guarded and guided by the precepts and boundaries of a marriage relationship.

When God made Adam, he said it was not good for him to be alone. So he made him a helper, Eve. And God’s intent was for them to meet each other’s needs: Adam would serve Eve as her protector and provider, and Eve would serve him as his helper and companion. Their relationship was clearly defined, and it was covenantal: “the two shall become one.” In contrast, the modern concept of dating — even in Christian circles — generally encourages spiritual, emotional (and “limited” physical) intimacy without the underlying commitment. And in doing so, as someone has suggested, it does more to prepare people for divorce than it does for a lifelong marriage commitment. After all, as the songs says, “breaking up is hard to do” but it’s altogether common! Growing deeply close to someone of the opposite sex without the responsibilities and protection accompanying a marriage covenant is hazardous at best, destructive at worst. And dating, as it’s typically done, encourages that sort of intimacy without any framework of protection for either the man or the woman, or reasonable expectation of marriage as the culmination of the dating relationship.

So in summary, I’d say dating as it’s commonly practiced or understood is an unhealthy approach toward “finding love,” let alone finding a spouse. In particular, the key problems with modern dating are the absence of clarity with respect to marriage in the future; and the heavy tendency to emphasize one-on-one intimacy apart from others, which tends to cause the couple not to get a clear picture of the other’s suitability for future marriage.

Is there an alternative to dating?

I think there is. Alex Chediak has a book titled 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life which presents various alternatives, and from what I’ve heard it’s a helpful anthology of perspectives. In every case, the authors argue for an approach toward relationships that discourages “emotional and physical promiscuity” that typical dating tends to encourage (as I’ve described above). Josh Harris also has a well-known book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye which writes from a similar premise about the danger and fallout of modern dating models.

In general, I think the problem is simple: we tend to approach dating as we approach test-driving a car (we can drive it around a bit, and in the worst case, we’ll get another one in about 10 years!). But we weren’t made for short-term relationships with the opposite sex. I once offered my sympathies to a co-worker who’d recently finalized a divorce. Her response? “No, don’t say that. It’s really for the best!” I let it go then, but I’m tempted to respond to that attitude, “Oh really? When you got married, did you really think, a few years will be just fine. No, you wanted a lifelong relationship of love and joy!!!” So what changed? I think what has changed is our expectations from relationships, and that’s come from the fact, again, that dating breeds an expectation of “break-up” and “romance” and “personal fulfillment” instead of a culture of commitment and growing in love.

I think it’s important to insert here that the Bible is nearly silent on the subject of how to find a wife or husband. While there are examples of what some refer to as betrothal, and others “courtship,” and certainly it’s silent on the idea of “dating,” you’d be hard-pressed to suggest that the Bible strongly advocates any particular method of finding a spouse. So before proceeding, I want to stipulate that it’s unhelpful to attempt to argue dogmatically for one specific methodology, because the Scriptures don’t give us that.

But the Bible is not silent on the importance and significance of marriage, and the principles that underly a successful marriage. And among these principles are the importance of commitment, accountability, discipleship, purity, maturity and ultimately marriage to the glory of God. The problem we have is not merely the framework of “dating” — it’s our understanding of why we should “date”, and even why we should marry, and what kind of people we ought to be in the pursuit of a future anticipated marriage relationship.

What then? Let me quote from Alex Chediak, who’s co-written a book with his wife titled With One Voice: Singleness, Dating and Marriage to the Glory of God. He suggests this alternative to typical “dating”:

Friendships should blossom in community and family settings to the degree possible and progress with caution as interactions and conversations become more substantive. When proper, a man ought to declare his intentions without excessive delay and tenderly lead a particular woman into a committed relationship that is marriage-directed. She ought to honor his masculinity and her own femininity in the process by responding to and affirming his leadership, without either undue caution or prematurely surrendering her heart.

One key element that Chediak highlights is the importance of community and family in helping young men and women act with prudence, honor and care. Some, especially when emphasizing the family element, have called this “courtship,” referring to the practice of cultures in which a young man will pursue a young woman in the context of her family. In this model, he is forced to declare his intentions (for future marriage) to the woman’s parents before getting involved with her. In addition, this model has been said to provide protection for the young woman, rather than leave her alone to balance a desire to be a wife against the desire to fend off unqualified “suitors.” I would suggest that in an “ideal world,” a father should endeavor both to model the godly husband (so his daughters know what to look for, and his sons know what to be like) and to help protect his daughter’s heart from inappropriate intimacy with young men who are either uninterested or unqualified to be her husband.

There is much to commend about the “courtship” model, especially its insistence on the involvement of hopefully wiser and more discerning parents amidst the “fluttering hearts” and frequently entangled judgment of their children. But as much as it’s not Scripturally commanded, again, I think it’s critical to emphasize that the principle is not parental oversight, but the involvement of others who can help provide wisdom, accountability and encouragement; such as the local church. And the importance of marriage as the endpoint of any romantic involvement, and “growing up” into adulthood as part of that transition.

It should go without saying that I do not mean by “accountability and encouragement” that you are simply following the advice of of your peers who are urging, “You should go out with him/her!” I especially am intending to point young people to pursue meaningful relationships with older (and ideally married) believers who can be more objective and provide counsel and guidance in “this delicate dance.”

I come from a broken family. How do I have a courtship relationship if my parents can’t be involved?

As I said above, courtship is not so much about getting your parents involved, especially if they’re not nearby. Though I think there is an underestimation of the insight that parents can have regarding their own children, even if the parents are not believers.

If you come from a broken (or unbelieving) family, then I think what’s most critical is that you’re connected with at least one mature Christian couple and family. In a sense, this is to compensate for the absence of modeling and godly counsel in your past (and present). Because your goal is not just “romantic love,” but marriage to the glory of God; you should be interacting as much as possible with those who are already in that phase of life so as to be able to discern (and desire) the things that accompany a fruitful, God-glorifying marriage.

For young men, I think you should seek to have one or two married older men who will give you honest and loving counsel about you and not just “potential wives.” The man who is growing in godliness is the one who will attract a godly woman, and head toward godly marriage. Those same men (and ideally their wives) can also provide counsel about the suitability of any young woman in whom you might have interest (and sometimes even direct your attention to a sister who you’ve overlooked!).

For young women, the same applies; but an additional factor also comes into play. A young Christian woman coming from a distant, broken or non-Christian family also lacks the careful godly protection of parents who will help her to guard her heart. She wants to be loved & protected; but isn’t always discerning as to whether a given “suitor” possesses the maturity and desire to truly do so. That same young woman should be willing to seek out a Christian couple who can be her “parents” in the faith. This couple can provide her the guidance, counsel and protection that she would otherwise have been able to seek from her parents.

Can you recommend some books for further reading on this subject?

My favorite question! Absolutely. Here are some books that I’ve read, or heard of, which I think will shed helpful insight on the matter (in no particular order):

• With One Voice: Singleness, Dating and Marriage to the Glory of God by Alex and Marni Chediak
• Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Josh Harris
• Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart by John Ensor
  • A sermon from Ensor on the topic can be downloaded here
• 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life by Alex Chediak
• Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot

We are considering writing about the following topics:

• The courtship model
• Is it okay to be a spiritual accountability partner of the opposite sex?
• How to assess the fitness of a man/woman as your husband/wife
• Physical attraction and personal evaluation
• Relationship resources

If there are any other topics pertaining to relationships, please let us know (privately or via comments) and we’ll do our best to address them.