The longer I parent, the more inadequate I feel.  As the children go through changes through the years, I feel the sense of helplessness more keenly.  One would think that with more years of practice, one becomes more confident and equipped.  Yet this isn’t so.  I really think that whatever confidence we may have in parenting is being humbled by our children through the years.  At times I feel quite discouraged and often question why.  It’s when I’m at my lowest and feel utterly defeated that a passage from 2 Corinthians 12 comes to mind.

And he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God’s power is made perfect in my weakness and that his grace is sufficient for me. It’s a timely encouragement and hope for those who are despairing.   What this means is that we often want control of our children that we want to direct their every step according to our standards, and when they don’t meet those standards, we despair.  When we’re brought to the end of ourselves and realize that we are weak and need God’s help, that’s when the the power of Christ becomes a reality in our lives.  It is when we give up our control and start relying on the grace of God that we become better parents.  It is when we don’t rely solely on our parenting methods and start praying for our children that we become better parents.  God’s transforming power is displayed in my weakness, and I am grateful for this wonderful promise because I can now rely on God’s strength and not carry the parenting burden solely on my shoulders.  “My burden is light and my yoke is easy” says the Lord.

Among the numerous books and seminars I’ve read/listened to over the year’s, Covenant Life Church’s (Gaithersburg, MD) parenting seminars have been a distinctive blessing to me over the years.  I find that I listen and re-listen to their audio through the years because it is so easy to forget.  I hope that all those who are in the parenting journey will find these free parenting seminars helpful and encouraging.  I wholeheartedly recommend them as rich, encouraging, gospel-centered messages.

The parenting seminar is divided into five categories, each targeting a specific age range of the children.

The Parenting Years I:  Ages Infant to 5

The Parenting Years II:  Ages 6-10

The Parenting Years III:  Ages 11-14

The Parenting Years IV:  Ages 15-18

The Parenting Years V:  Ages 19-22

A friend sent me Amy Chua’s article Why Chinese Moms Are Superior last week to ask for my opinions and insights into Chinese parenting.  In the article, Chua boasted about her strict, rigid, and often berating parenting approach for her two girls in order to help them become successful.  This article has since gone viral, resulting in countless blog articles and TV appearances in anticipation of the newly-released book from which it was excerpted.  Many people cringed upon reading how she berated, coerced, and threatened her daughter into playing a piano piece perfectly.  Chua explained that she believed in her daughter and was willing to do whatever it took to help her daughter realize her potential.

I scoured the internet for comments, articles, and video clips relating to Chua’s article. Many Chinese Americans weighed in on Chua’s strict approach and denounced it.  Chua has since responded to the overwhelming comments from people.  Her response appears to be more toned down than the book excerpt.  However, although I was put more at ease after reading her response, I’m not entirely convinced based on these words:

“In a nutshell, I get my comeuppance; much of the book is about my decision to retreat (but only partially) from the strict immigrant model. Having said that, if I had to do it all over, I would do basically the same thing, with some adjustments.”

I’m troubled when I read that she’d pretty much do the same thing, but with some adjustments.  I’m really not sure what kind of adjustments she’s thinking about.  For me, it’s an entirely different model of philosophy so it’d need a major adjustment, not minor ones.

To me, a Chinese homeschooling mom to five children, Chua’s parenting approach definitely struck a chord with me.  I see many positive aspects to traditional Chinese parenting, such as the unwavering sacrifices Chinese parents are willing to extend to their children, a hard-working attitude, and being part of a strong familial support system.  However, there are many negative aspects of Chinese parenting that results in negative consequences that need to be addressed.

I’ve been thinking and writing and rewriting this post for a week, and no matter how I express my thoughts, they don’t seem satisfactory to me.  I initially wrote a lot about the ways that Chua’s “Tiger Mom” approach failed, disparaged, and damaged children.  However, as I thought about it, I realized that this wasn’t the heart of my concern.  Rather, I want to take a broader view or a high level view of this parenting approach.  Hopefully this post will help those who are baffled by Chua’s article, which generated both positive and extremely negative comments and even death threats.

The biggest obstacle Chinese need to understand and overcome is the accomplishment-based parenting approach.  It is a foregone conclusion in Chinese culture that children must build an impressive resume throughout one’s upbringing so that he may enter a prestigious college, which in turn will generate a high-earning job at a well-known company.  You will then be able to purchase a home, get married, and have kids.   This is the meaning of being successful.

I don’t necessarily have a problem with these goals, per se.  The biggest problem is that there’s no room for failure.  When parents set a path for their children with such high expectations and where failure is inconceivable, their children will suffer.  I am a firm believer in setting high expectation for my kids as well as pushing them to do things that are difficult for them.  I agree with Chua in that American parents have very low expectations of their children and that they’re always afraid of stepping on their children’s toes in the name of self-esteem.  However, adopting Chua’s approach isn’t the solution.  It’s like swinging the pendulum all the way from the left to the right.  One doesn’t need to employ one extreme measure as a way of countering the other.  I actually believe there is a middle ground where parents can put high expectations for their children, but with love, acceptance, encouragement, and a room for failure without a negative stigma.

It’s quite interesting to see different parenting styles void of God.  When there is no absolute, it’s one approach versus another and who is to say it is right or wrong?  As a Christian mom, I believe there is an absolute and I hold to the teaching in the Bible as the authority.  In the end, the fundamental assumptions of the typical Chinese philosophy of parenting end up diametrically opposed to the heart of the Christian gospel.  Let me explain.

Romans 5:8 says “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  Jesus loved and accepted us while we were still messed up, dirty, and unworthy.  This is how God treats us.  His love toward us isn’t based on anything we have done or could have done.  Love was extended in spite of us.

Jesus told the parable of the prodigal son to make this very point.  “Prodigal” means extravagant to the point of wastefulness and recklessness.  Pastor Tim Keller makes the excellent point that inasmuch as the younger son in the parable was prodigal with the wealth his father gave him; even more so, the father himself was prodigal — recklessly extravagant — when he received his disgraced, disheveled and dirty younger son back with not a word of rebuke or correction; but with only embrace and honor and joy!  This is the heart of the gospel, and I believe should therefore be the heart of every Christian’s thinking about what constitutes faithful parenting.  Any approach to parenting — however noble the goals or well-intended — must at its heart have this kind of unconditional love built-in.

In contrast, the typical Chinese mentality is based on what one can do or accomplish, and your worth is largely depend upon it.  If you cannot attain to what’s set before you, you are essentially a failure, thus worth nothing.  It’s hard for many Chinese children to believe that they are loved by their parents unconditionally.  I believe deep down that many children believe that their parents love them, but when they’re confronted by their parents of their failures, i.e. an A- or B+ (heaven forbid!) grade, it’s hard to fight against the notion that their parents’ love for them is purely conditional.  I know grown adults who grew up in this kind of atmosphere who are still struggling to “earn” their parents’ love by trying to please them via work, house purchases, financial decisions, etc.

The gospel stands in stark contrast to Chinese parenting.  We were loved.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Not by what my hands can do, but by the hand of God.  This is a precious truth.   Just as Christ have loved us, we too, should love our children the same way for who they are, not what they accomplish.  We should value our children for who they are; boys and girls made in the image of God.  This is sacred and valuable.  Their worth should never be devalued based on their lack of accomplishments.  This is unconditional love.

UPDATE: A friend tipped us off to an excellent analysis of the strengths & weaknesses of Tiger parenting.  We’d recommend it highly!

While hanging out with some friends I discovered that their little four-year-old boy was extremely skilled in riding a bicycle.  I watched him go and turn corners.  He was a little pro.  My six-year-old isn’t able to ride one yet.  I thought to myself, what’s wrong with us?  How come this four-year-old could do it and my older kids couldn’t?  Sigh. . . . we’re definitely missing something somehow.

A family we know are trilingual and their children can read and write in two languages.  We’re barely doing 1.5 languages in our house.  I’m still struggling to keep with up Chinese with the kids.  Sigh. . . . another downer for us.

Another family has kids who can swim like fish.  The kids could really live in the water.  My kids?  Only one can swim while the others are afraid of the water.  Not good.

Other families have their kids in music lessons and kids as young as four or five can perform wonderful music pieces.  My kids?  I’m barely teaching my oldest (8yo) to play the piano.  Hmmm. . . another demerit for our family.

As I thought more about how we’re deficient in many ways in light of other people’s accomplishments, I realize how easily I can adopt the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality.  As much as I want to stay away from that kind of thinking, it’s so easy to compare myself to others.  Every family has their own strengths and weaknesses.  Everyone has their own priorities and things that they value.  Naturally, everyone’s family and values look different.  So, why should one family imitate another?  We all have different emphasis and ours looks different from the next person.  Should it follow that we need to keep up with others in a similar stage of life?

The next time I’m tempted to compare myself or my family to others, I will instead reevaluate our goals as it pertains to our own family.  Most importantly, I need to have an eternal perspective.  Even though my goals or aspirations may not look the same as my friends’, what really matters is: do my goals seek to glorify  God?  Am I instilling a love for God in my children?  And am I persevering to bestow upon my children the most important gift of all: the gospel?

This past week I witnessed an incident where a mom berated her daughter for losing her purse.  I saw a crying girl (about 12 years old) and her mom looking for something so I asked if I could help.  Several people helped to look for the missing purse but to no avail.  This girl helps out with a ministry that serves the homeless in the area, and every week all the volunteers are instructed and reminded to keep track of their belongings at all times.  Apparently this girl didn’t keep track of her purse and it disappeared.  When her mom came to pick her up, she was unhappy that her daughter had lost her purse.

In front me and another lady, the mom scolded her daughter sharply:

“Oh. . . stop crying!  Grow up!”

Her daughter’s only response was continued tears.

“Well, this will teach you to be responsible.  Didn’t I tell you to keep track of your purse?”

Again, no response.

“Stop your crying.  At least it wasn’t your wallet in your purse, but just your cell phone that got lost.”

As before, the girl had nothing to say, she was so broken up about the whole thing.  I was a bit taken aback and felt awkward because I didn’t know how to respond.  I listened and did my best to help.

This incident left me thinking a lot.  I felt sympathy for both the mom and the daughter.  I know what it’s like to lose something and then to be faced with “I told you so.”  On the other hand, I have sympathy for the mom because I also know what it’s like to remind the kids hundreds of times to be responsible, don’t forget your belongings, etc.  The children don’t seem to get it until they lose it.  I can see myself reacting in the same manner as this mom, though I most likely wouldn’t do it in front of others.  Seeing this mom’s sharp response and being faced with my own failings, it causes me to think about how I can better respond to my children when they do not-so-bright things.

I need to first recognize that my children, no matter the age, will do stupid things even after repeated warnings.  This is a fact that I simply have to accept.  When I’m tempted to say, “Oh why oh why?  Why me?”  I am as guilty as my children because I, too, am prone to doing stupid things and making silly mistakes.  My mistakes may look different than my children’s, but they are still mistakes.

I need to respond graciously to my children even when I’m so tempted to say, “I told you so” as my first response.  Comments like “I told you so” aren’t helpful and are usually destructive.  How does that build my relationship with my child?  How does it help to recover the lost item?  I can only imagine the distance this mom has further created between her and her daughter by berating her.  I can certainly understand the mom’s frustration, but again, parents need to respond to even trying circumstances with graciousness.  It’s never wise to respond out of emotions in the heat of the moment.

When everyone is calm and have accepted the fact that the lost item cannot be recovered, I need to sit down and dialogue with the child.  My “lecture” will then be more effective and more readily accepted by the child.  I can talk about strategies and ways the child can be more responsible in the future.  In the meantime, I need to look at the failure to keep track of one’s belongings as a past event — forgiven and forgotten — not an evidence that I can bring up and hold it against the child when she fails again in the future.

As I interact with my children, the more I see that I’m often incapable of keeping my cool.  I may keep my cool for a day, several days, sometimes even weeks, but inevitably, my old habits come back to haunt me.  Of course I feel bad that I failed. . . . .again.  I want to be better, I want to respond with graciousness, I want to show them that I still love them, etc.  Yet the more I fail, the more I realize that I need God to help me overcome my weakness.  Because of God’s power and grace, I have hope that I can be a better mom to my children.

Doing hard things and persevering through a difficult task do not come easy for children.  Frankly, it’s not easy for adults either.  Today, once again, one of the kids grumbled when I said, “Time to do math!”  I was met with resistance and a grumpy face.  I allowed him to work on other subjects first and then return to math at a later time.  However, when it was time to do math, he once again resisted.  I was dismayed, but I was not going to let this go.  I decided it was life lesson time, a lesson about the importance of perseverance.

Rather than simply telling him that perseverance is important and that it’s a good character trait, I decided to ask him some questions in order to draw out his thinking on the subject.

I asked him, “Suppose Daddy was assigned a project at work, but because this project would take too long and too much effort, Daddy decided that he doesn’t want to work on it.  He’ll just quit the project either right at the beginning or half way through. What do you think would happen to Daddy at work?”  I followed up with a series of questions.:

• “Would his employer still keep him if he didn’t simply quit working hard?”
• “If Daddy doesn’t work hard and persevere, would other employers want to hire him?”
• “What would happen to us if Daddy gets let go?”

From this specific example and set of subsequent questions, my boy was able to answer and come to the conclusion that perseverance is important.

I also told my son that persevering in the midst of a problem is not easy but when you develop the habit of not persevering, you’ll suffer consequences later in life.  Once a habit is developed, it’s harder to break.  If he has a habit of quitting when something gets difficult, this is how he will approach life in every aspect.  He will realize this mistake when he’s an adult but by then, it’d be lot harder to correct.  He would wish that I had taught him to persevere when he was young.  I wanted to give him a broader picture and how his lack of perseverance in doing math might possible affect his life.  After this long talk, I believe he got it and we proceeded to solve math problems.

Even though the point of our conversation was persevering through doing hard things, I still wanted to present math more palatable to him.  This is not an effort to try to cater to him, but to make it more digestible and appealing to him.  One of his complaints is that math takes too long and even after working through all 30 problems, he still needs to go back and correct the ones he missed.  I can understand that.  I decided that I would split up the problems where he would do some of them orally, some on the white board, and some on the paper instead of all of them on the paper.  We were able to do many of them orally so he only needed to do 14 problems on the paper.  He was so thrilled!  He was so excited that he told his brother about it!

Sometimes we just have to be careful how we implement the process by which our children learn perseverance.  We should be understanding and sympathetic of their struggles.  Instead of just playing hardball with them and demand that they just work on it no matter what, we should figure out how much they can handle and how much we should push so that they learn about perseverance.

As my children grow and increase in comprehension, I’m finding myself talking more and more to them about the gospel and how it relates to their disobedience.  Naturally, our discipline sessions get longer and longer.  Even though it’s quite time consuming and emotionally laborious, I truly believe it’s beneficial that my children know how the gospel relates to them in everyday life.

Recently I had a conversation with one of the kids.  Once again, an act of unkindness towards one of his siblings is manifested in tears and sadness so we sat down to talk.  I probed and asked questions trying to help him understand the reason behind his unkindness.  When such kind of questions are asked, the most favorite and easy answer is “I don’t know.”  Such an answer is not helpful and can be frustrating at times as I’m trying hard to seek to understand.  I’ve now made it a rule that an “I don’t know” answer is not allowed and so far it’s been working out quite well because it forces the child to think deeper.  I also allow time for the child to come up with an answer by communicating that I’m willing to sit and wait.  No matter how bad the answer may be, I want to know it.  There’s no need to sugar coat the answer.  Usually the child is able to come up with an answer.

Once we’ve got an answer, we can begin addressing the issue.  Sometimes I’m a bit taken back by the rawness of the answer (e.g., “I don’t like my sister”), but at the same time I am grateful for it because it tells me that the child is being honest with himself.  I’m learning to identify with my child in acknowledging that I too, struggle with the root issue of his conflict with this siblings.  As much as he is a sinner, so too, I’m a sinner who sins and can identify with him.  However, we don’t just stop here.  I point him to Christ and tell him that his unkind act tells him that he needs a Savior.  The good news is that Christ died for his sins.  We can look to Christ with hope.  Jesus’ magnitude of love and sacrifice for us should compel us to live a righteous life.  After such discussion, I pray for him.

Whenever my children need a disciplinary action, I want to remind them their need of the Savior and the gospel.  I really appreciate Tim Keller’s words about the gospel in The Reason for God, and I hope that you will dwell on it with a deep appreciation for Christ.

The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me.  This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time.  It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.

I recall telling my husband and friends that I simply don’t get boys, specifically one particular active one in my family!  I don’t understand how he can get in trouble so many times a day and how he can get himself involved in so many mischievous ways.  I simply don’t understand it.  I look back to my childhood and cannot recall a single time where I acted the way he did.  I was a very compliant child and I hardly got in trouble growing up.  My parents can testify to this!  So, how did I produce a child who’s so different from me?  Many times I’m at a loss as to how to deal, understand, and connect with a child who is so different from me.  I didn’t struggle with the things he’s struggling with.  So, how do I identify with him and help him?

Recently I came across a blog post from CJ Mahaney entitled “Video Games, Idols, and Your Child’s Heart.”  What stood out to me was how he explained that even though he’s lot older than his son and that their sins manifest differently, at the root of it, it’s the same.

It is too easy for me to view my son’s form of idolatry as childish, but in essence, at root, there is no difference between our idolatries. His expression is consistent with a 12 year old, mine is consistent with a 56 year old, but in essence it’s no different. Therefore I must make sure my heart is softened by my own sinful tendencies. I don’t want the study to be punitive, I don’t want it to be (if possible) connected or related to discipline, because I think that can make it more difficult for a child to comprehend and to be convinced I have their best interest at heart. I want to supplement it with my own stories.

In essence, my son, whom I view as the polar opposite of me, and I are the same.  I came to realize that even though as a child I don’t remember acting the way he is right now, I am just as sinful.  Even now when I’m lot older, at the root of it, I’m just the same as my child.

When my child’s selfishness is manifested in taking someone else’s toy or even strike another child, I have to see that I’m prone to being selfish as well.  It’s not helpful for me to view my child’s sin as childish, or that I can’t relate because I don’t ever recall striking another person as a child.  I find that the more I think I can’t identify with my child, the more frustrated I get.  If this cycle continues, I can see that my relationship with my child will be pulled apart more and more.

I can relate to my child and explain that I’m prone to selfishness, just like he, but mine looks different.  I’m just better at masking my selfishness.  By relating to my child in this way, I am more able to build a bridge with him and speak directly to his heart.  We’re both sinners.  We’re both equally prone to do wrong.  We both need a Savior.  This is why Jesus had to die for our sins.  What a glorious truth.

I am deeply grateful for Mahaney’s insight and it is my hope and prayer that I will strive to relate to my child in this manner.