Musings of the Dings » Parenting

A Lesson on Thankfulness and Gratitude

Lois — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 02:15:34 +0000

Typically, we’re a low-key kind of family when it comes to gifts for the children for Christmas. This year was an exception. Now that the kids are older and they know what they want, but not in a demanding way, we want to bless them. So this year, we splurged. With our parents’ generous giving, my brother’s, and ours, the kids got lots of presents. They had a great Christmas. The house was filled with much giddiness.

Each child easily got 10 gifts, not just any gifts, but gifts that they really desire. One particular child who shall remain unnamed got grumpy when his/her very last present was opened because it was not to this child’s liking. I was taken back by the reaction because this is after opening 10 fabulous gifts, but this child chose to focus on the one he/she did not like. When asked what was wrong with the gift, this child put on a sour face and then burst into tears. Needless to say, I had to address the problem right away. We remedied the situation so all is well now.

The same evening my brain cell depleted brain started to spin and ponder upon this situation. I admit that I was incredulous and unhappy that this child was so ungrateful for the many wonderful gifts he/she got. Like I mentioned earlier, we splurged this year, but it didn’t translate to gratitude for this one particular child. My husband started to blame himself thinking it was his fault because he picked the wrong gift for this child, but I disagreed. I told him that in this case it was not the giver’s fault, rather it was the child’s poor attitude and ingratitude. I can certainly understand the disappointment if this was the ONLY gift that we gave, but this certainly wasn’t the case. After sighing and feeling incredulous, I had an epiphany.

Isn’t this how we treat God? He has given us so many wonderful things, but we choose to focus on one small thing that we don’t like. We complain about that one thing we either didn’t get or don’t like. How easily we forget His generosity in other things. We are so intent on that one thing that we complain about the Giver. Why isn’t God giving me this or that? It must be the Giver’s fault.

Parenting has taught me a lot about life. It has so many correlations to how we adults relate to one another and to God. A child’s sins/faults are more apparent and we can see them more clearly, but before we think we are better than them, we need to remember that deep down we are just like them. Our faults are more easily masked so we can get away with our sins more readily. But God is not fooled.

This Christmas season we were able to savor the coming of Jesus each of the 28 days leading up to Christmas. It was a wonderful time spending approximately 45 minutes each night reading and talking about the coming of Christ. Even though one of our children’s grumpy attitude upon receiving a gift he/she didn’t like put a brief damper on this joyous occasion, I am thankful that it is a lesson that reminds me of the ultimate gift of God: Jesus Christ. This gift is much much more than we can ever ask for. The Savior of the World came to save us from our sins. What a wonderful gift! I am thankful and eternally indebted.

Parents: Make Disciples of Your Children

Evers — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 18:37:23 +0000

A recently burgeoning movement in the church in America is the so-called “Family-Integrated Church” (FIC) movement. There is much to commend about their message of the need for parents, and especially fathers, to take responsibility for the discipleship of their own children; and not merely to shuffle them off to “youth group” and “youth pastors.” In addition, the FIC movement rightly recognizes the importance of “multi-generational” discipleship in contrast to the near obsession with life-phase segregation in American churches today: “high schoolers,” “married couples w/o children,” “couples with young children under 5,” “empty nesters,” etc. The FIC provides a helpful contrast to a culture that is all about self-oriented, self-serving ministry and calls out the pattern observed from Titus 2, where older and younger saints are commanded to interact with each other; the younger to learn from the older, so as to grow in godliness and maturity.

One of the common concerns of the FIC movement is the “high school ministry” typical in most churches. In far too many cases, it would seem that children in most churches are shuffled off to one side of the church campus (or “dropped off,” as the case may be), never to be seen until it’s time to pile into the car. And from what I’ve seen in my past through various churches, many of their parents expect that it’s “the job of the church” to teach their children how to walk with God.

Unfortunately, Eph. 6:4 says something far different: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

The text does not say that fathers should make sure their children go to good [Sunday] schools to learn about the Lord. It does not suggest that the key job of parents is to ensure that their churches have engaging youth pastors who will bring their children up to love Jesus — in the same way many parents try to ensure their children go to good schools for their education.

There is no delegation implied from this text (though partnership with the church family is critical).

Without question, it is up to dads to oversee and engage in the discipleship their children (yes, dads, it is not your wife’s job!).

In other words, if fathers (and mothers) fail to personally take responsibility on a daily basis for the discipleship of their children; if they fail to preach Christ through their marriages and through their words; if they allow the world to dictate what a “youth” should be interested in and simply try to keep their kids “clean” from the influence of drugs, illicit sec, etc.; if they fail to uphold a Biblical standard not only of belief but of long-term/eternal goals, values and lifestyle… then the “best” youth ministry in the world is unlikely to do anything to shepherd their hearts to love Jesus.

But don’t take it from me. Here’s a helpful blog post from a high school pastor who more or less admits (in my words) that his ability to shape the spiritual life of youth coming through his church pales in comparison the significance of parental influence on the same youth:

The common thread that binds together almost every ministry-minded 20-something that I know is abundantly clear: a home where the gospel was not peripheral but absolutely central. The 20-somethings who are serving, leading, and driving the ministries at our church were kids whose parents made them go to church. They are kids whose parents punished them and held them accountable when they were rebellious. They are kids whose parents read the Bible around the dinner table every night. And they are kids whose parents were tough, but who ultimately operated from a framework of grace that held up the cross of Jesus as the basis for peace with God and forgiveness toward one another. This is not a formula! Kids from wonderful gospel-centered homes leave the church; people from messed-up family backgrounds find eternal life in Jesus and have beautiful marriages and families. But it’s also not a crap-shoot. In general, children who are led in their faith during their growing-up years by parents who love Jesus vibrantly, serve their church actively, and saturate their home with the gospel completely, grow up to love Jesus and the church. … Parents, preach the gospel and live the gospel for your children; our work depends on you.

In effect, I think an argument can be made that “our work” — the work of youth pastors — is really just an addendum.

And if churches expended far more energy encouraging and equipping parents to effectively and faithfully disciple their children — instead of constructing youth programs/ministries and hiring youth pastors — and encouraging multi-generational relationships within the church — it would bear far more long-term fruit than much of what takes place in the name of reaching the younger people in our churches.

Spending One-on-One Time With Our Children

Lois — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 19:40:26 +0000

People often ask us — observing the number of children we have — “How do you manage to spend (enough) one-on-one time with each child”. Too often I go, “Ehhhh. . . .hmmmm. . . ok, well, we haven’t been doing one-on-one time with each kid because we haven’t had the need to yet.” Now, not only do I sound ineloquent, I sound like a bad mother because after all, one-on-one time is essential. How can I ensure that each child has his own individuality and not get mixed up in the midst of his siblings? When I say that currently we don’t need one-on-one time, I get the sense that people don’t believe me. Thus far we don’t have a system in place to ensure that each child gets mommy or daddy time, but I’m always watching and observing my children. Whenever I see a child who is unusually out of control or get in trouble more often, that tells me that perhaps he needs more mommy or daddy time. We have certainly taken each child on a date before and while some of those moments were precious, some weren’t as memorable. I recall one time when I took my oldest to dinner, just the two of us. I had anticipated a fruitful conversation, but it didn’t happen that way. He was unusually quiet and as much as I tried to engage him, he just sorta nodded or shook his head and didn’t feel like engaging. I remember being baffled and feeling a bit disappointed. Finally, I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go home. So off we went and after he came home, he was his normal self again, happy and engaging with his siblings.

We are a family that does almost everything together. We eat most meals together (a rare occasion for many families), we school together, we play together, we visit people together, we go to church together, we simply do life together. We are very much part of one another’s lives. I believe because we value each other so much that we don’t necessarily need one-on-one time as much. I am certainly not opposed to spending one-on-one time, but I’m simply questioning whether if this one-on-one time concept is a bit overrated.

I really appreciate what fellow blogger (and friend) Kendra had to say in a recent post about one-on-one time. She quoted homeschooling speaker Todd Wilson who offered the following which I thought was very insightful:

If you think about it, maybe it’s better to train our children that they can be special without having to be away from everyone else.

Really?! Has this thought crossed people’s minds when asking this question? Wilson suggested the following:

Although we do those things and you might implement them as well, you should not feel guilty because you just can’t seem to get them alone for one-on-one time very often. Instead, try making them feel special within a family context. I bet you could even do that today.

I absolutely agree!

Rethinking Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go…”

Evers — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 17:32:55 +0000

Proverbs 22:6 is often quoted by hopeful Christian parents as a promise from the Lord with respect to faithful parenting:

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

More often than not, it’s suggested that if Christians faithfully rear their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, when those children are old, they will not depart from what they’ve been taught.

Or sometimes, it’s suggested that this verse promises that “prodigal sons” will invariably return.

And yet, how often has this not been the case? Is God unfaithful to His Word?

It was suggested a number of years ago to me that the problem is not God’s unfaithfulness to his promise. But rather, the problem is we have misunderstood this verse.

We think it’s a promise of rewards for faithful parenting.

In fact, it’s the exact opposite. It’s a warning against unfaithful parenting!

I think it’s a severe enough mistake, common in many circles of Christian parenting literature, that I feel compelled to post this excerpt from a sermon on Proverbs that I think nails this verse.

“Train a child up in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Now, that is something we’re going to camp out [on] for awhile, because that is a verse that is another favorite verse of Proverbs that doesn’t mean what anybody thinks it does. I very reluctantly — it takes a lot of hubris to say that everybody has translated a verse wrong — but everybody has translated that verse wrong. People are — you’ll read more and more academics who are admitting that — but, traditional translations die hard, and, unfortunately, this is a well-beloved traditional translation.

The trouble is that…there are a number of troubles with taking it that way. “Train up a child in the way he should go.” Let me give you a literal — a very literal — translation of that: “Initiate for the child on the mouth of his way; even when he is old, he will not turn from it.” And I give you a more of a [loose] translation: “Start out a boy according to his own way; even though he may grow old, he will not turn from it.” Now, what do you notice that’s missing there? What’s missing is, there is no “way he should go.” And that is beyond argument not in the Hebrew; the Hebrew text says nothing like “the way he should go.” There simply is no argument about that. You have people interpret it that way, but it doesn’t say that. It simply says, if you start out your child according to the dictate of his way, then when he is old, he won’t depart from it.

Now, when you think about that, if you don’t assume the traditional translation, does that sound like it’s saying that this is something you should do? “Start out a child according to his way” — well, what is “his way” according to Proverbs? We just saw at 22:15: “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.” So, what is “his way”? “His way” is a foolish way. “His way” is a sinful way. Left to himself, he’ll bring shame to his mother. Didn’t we just read that? So, if you start out a child according to his way, then when he grows old, he won’t turn from it. Do you start getting what Solomon really is saying? He’s saying something like 29:15 says: “A child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” That’s a child who’s let loose. Remember, Proverbs says again and again that there’s only two ways. There are only two ways: there’s God’s way, and there’s our way. And what is our way like? Well, it’s a way that seems right to the eyes of a man, but what’s the end of it? Destruction…the way of death.

So, this is a verse that’s hinting at and giving the two ways: the one way is the child’s way, but by implication, the other way is God’s way. But what this is actually is — this is not a promise. And, unfortunately, many, many Christian parents have taken this as a promise. It’s not a promise; it’s a warning. It’s not a promise that if you start out Johnny going to Sunday School, then although when he turns seventeen, he’ll start boozing and carousing and being sexually immoral, but you know eventually he’ll come back, because you took him to Sunday School. That is not what this verse says. What this verse says is that if you start Johnny out being accustomed to get Johnny’s way, and Johnny expecting that if he whines and cries long enough then he will prevail on Mom and Dad, and if you start Johnny out expecting the world ought to cater to Johnny’s whims and Johnny’s expectations and Johnny’s demands, then even though his body will mature, he won’t. He’ll never turn from that. And you’ve known children like this, who grow up expecting the world to cater itself to them — and if they ever “get religion,” they think “religion” is the same thing. That’s why so many churches are consumer-driven; they’ve got a bunch of Johnnies in them, who expect that God should do things their way, the church should do things their way, they should be able to customize it, they think God is the great “Burger King in the sky” — you know, where kids are king: “Special orders don’t upset us.” And they’ve been led to expect that everything should cater itself to them.

That’s what this verse is warning against. This verse is warning that if you start out a child assuming that he should get his way, he won’t depart from it. Another indication of that is this word “will not depart.” That verb, sur, the verb is used seventeen times in Proverbs. Thirteen out of those seventeen times, it means, “departing from something evil.” Only three of the times is it used of departing from something positive. And then, the next one is this verse– which is what we’re trying to decide — what does that mean? So, I want to try to make that plain. What I’m saying is, when it says, “when he is old, he won’t depart from it,” the traditional idea is: “Well, you’ve led him in a good way, and when he’s older, he won’t depart from that good way.” But the verb usually means departing from something bad. So, naturally, we would assume that that’s what it means here. And I think that is what it means here.

Let me be as plain as I can: what Proverbs — what Solomon is saying is, “If you raise him to expect his own way, that’s a bad thing, and it’s a bad thing that he should depart from, but when he grows up, he won’t depart from it. He won’t repent of it. He won’t leave it, because you led him to expect it. You led him to think that’s the way things are supposed to be.”

Dan Phillips, “Insights from Proverbs (Children in Proverbs)”
Sovereign Grace Baptist Church 2007 Conference on Proverbs

(HT: threegirldad)

Gospel-Powered Parenting Conference Audio Links

Evers — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 19:06:02 +0000

Two years ago, we read and reviewed Bill Farley’s excellent book, Gospel-Powered Parenting.

We recently discovered that he and his wife were featured speakers at a church in our area… after the fact! Doh!

Fortunately, all the sessions from the conference were made available for free download. We’ve been refreshed and reminded as we’ve listened to these of the need for the gospel in our lives to transform us (and thereby, our parenting). I’d strongly encourage you — no matter where you are in your parenting journey (even “pre-parents!”) to give them a listen.

Here are links to all the sessions for download or streaming:

Parenting Conference – Session I: Gospel Powered Parenting

Parenting Conference – Session I Q & A

Parenting Conference – Session II: The Power of Example

Parenting Conference – Session II Q & A

Parenting Conference – Men’s Breakout Session

Parenting Conference – Women’s Breakout Session

Parenting Conference – Session III: Discipline & Affection

Parenting Conference – Session III Q & A

Grateful for My Children

Evers — Tue, 17 May 2011 18:16:20 +0000

The past couple of days, Lois didn’t sleep very well. So after her customary morning walks, she decided to get a bit of extra rest in bed.

But I’m so grateful that my children have decided to make up the difference.

Yesterday, my oldest (now 9yo) took it upon himself (after getting my permission as I was headed out the door to work) to make pancakes for everyone. Other than slightly burning himself (yet pressing on!!!) and burning a couple of them (cuz he was nerding out and reading!), he did a fantastic job.

Today, all four of my older kids got into the dance and made waffles with strawberry sauce. What’s more, two of them even served Lois with breakfast in bed, complete with hot tea!

I’m grateful for them, and for how they’re learning to be “little men” and “little women” serving one another and their mom. For sure, there’s still a lot to be learned (like cleaning up the kitchen, ha ha!), and we’re still desperately longing to see God’s grace in more profound and permanent ways in their lives. But for today, we’re truly grateful for what we trust is God’s grace manifesting itself in their lives in little ways.

On a related note, Lois found a little blog post that was a great encouragement on being “desperate mothers.” The author quotes from a book we’ve got in our own library and read in part, A Praying Life, and this quote in particular was a great reminder:

“It took me seventeen years to realize I couldn’t parent on my own. It was not a great spiritual insight, just a realistic observation. If I didn’t pray deliberately and reflectively for members of my family by name every morning, they’d kill one another. I was incapable of getting inside their hearts. … It didn’t take me long to realize I did my best parenting by prayer.” A Praying Life, p. 59

So today, I’m moved to both be thankful for and to be interceding in prayer for my entire family. And to close this post, on both of those themes, I defer to Psalm 127:

Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Looking Forward to Our Children Getting Older

Lois — Sun, 01 May 2011 23:40:34 +0000

At church today I noticed a thirteen-year-old girl’s pretty necklace so I leaned over, examined it, and told her how beautiful it was. The young lady thanked me and explained that it was given to her by her mom, who was standing next to me, for her birthday. Her mother then looked at me and told me how fun it was to have a girl. She pointed to my three girls, six and under, and said, “You think this is a fun age, but this (pointing to her daughter) is even more fun!”

This little conversation was short, and certainly not a deep one. However, it left a big impression on my mind as I drove home. It lingered in my mind and I finally figured out why at the outset it wasn’t a deep conversation, but upon thinking, it meant so much.

I am so used to hearing people speak ill of children.

“Don’t you wish you could return the baby back to the hospital or stick him back into your tummy for more baking?”

“Oh, just wait until your baby starts crawling, he’ll get into all sorts of things and mess up everything in your house.”

“When they reach their teenage years, they all become monsters.”

These are just few of the comments I’ve heard through the years. So, when I heard a mother telling me how fun and wonderful it was to have a teenage daughter, it was music to my ears. I can actually look forward to those supposedly dreaded teenage years with my daughters with excitement. This gives me hope and encourages me that not every teenager is a monster. Often when we hear negative comments about teenagers, we can’t help but fear that our children may turn out to be just like everyone else’s teenagers. This certainly doesn’t bode well, and as we face challenges of parenting, we can’t help but think about what awful years we will get into with our children. When we set our minds to such negative expectation, we will certainly live accordingly.

However, if we don’t believe in such propaganda and expect (and invest in) greater things from our children, we will learn how to enjoy the children better and see them as gifts from the Lord, rather than some fearsome monsters-in-waiting to be dreaded. How we speak of our children has many implications of how we view our children. I’m glad I was able to witness a warm and positive view of a young and growing teenage girl today. Bravo to that mommy for thinking highly of her. It’s certainly an encouragement for a mom like me with little girly girls.

Thoughts on Parenting and Parenting Resources

Lois — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 01:13:46 +0000

The longer I parent, the more inadequate I feel. As the children go through changes through the years, I feel the sense of helplessness more keenly. One would think that with more years of practice, one becomes more confident and equipped. Yet this isn’t so. I really think that whatever confidence we may have in parenting is being humbled by our children through the years. At times I feel quite discouraged and often question why. It’s when I’m at my lowest and feel utterly defeated that a passage from 2 Corinthians 12 comes to mind.

And he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God’s power is made perfect in my weakness and that his grace is sufficient for me. It’s a timely encouragement and hope for those who are despairing. What this means is that we often want control of our children that we want to direct their every step according to our standards, and when they don’t meet those standards, we despair. When we’re brought to the end of ourselves and realize that we are weak and need God’s help, that’s when the the power of Christ becomes a reality in our lives. It is when we give up our control and start relying on the grace of God that we become better parents. It is when we don’t rely solely on our parenting methods and start praying for our children that we become better parents. God’s transforming power is displayed in my weakness, and I am grateful for this wonderful promise because I can now rely on God’s strength and not carry the parenting burden solely on my shoulders. “My burden is light and my yoke is easy” says the Lord.

Among the numerous books and seminars I’ve read/listened to over the year’s, Covenant Life Church’s (Gaithersburg, MD) parenting seminars have been a distinctive blessing to me over the years. I find that I listen and re-listen to their audio through the years because it is so easy to forget. I hope that all those who are in the parenting journey will find these free parenting seminars helpful and encouraging. I wholeheartedly recommend them as rich, encouraging, gospel-centered messages.

The parenting seminar is divided into five categories, each targeting a specific age range of the children.

The Parenting Years I: Ages Infant to 5

The Parenting Years II: Ages 6-10

The Parenting Years III: Ages 11-14

The Parenting Years IV: Ages 15-18

The Parenting Years V: Ages 19-22

Thoughts on “Tiger Mom” Parenting

Lois — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 23:13:41 +0000

A friend sent me Amy Chua’s article Why Chinese Moms Are Superior last week to ask for my opinions and insights into Chinese parenting. In the article, Chua boasted about her strict, rigid, and often berating parenting approach for her two girls in order to help them become successful. This article has since gone viral, resulting in countless blog articles and TV appearances in anticipation of the newly-released book from which it was excerpted. Many people cringed upon reading how she berated, coerced, and threatened her daughter into playing a piano piece perfectly. Chua explained that she believed in her daughter and was willing to do whatever it took to help her daughter realize her potential.

I scoured the internet for comments, articles, and video clips relating to Chua’s article. Many Chinese Americans weighed in on Chua’s strict approach and denounced it. Chua has since responded to the overwhelming comments from people. Her response appears to be more toned down than the book excerpt. However, although I was put more at ease after reading her response, I’m not entirely convinced based on these words:

“In a nutshell, I get my comeuppance; much of the book is about my decision to retreat (but only partially) from the strict immigrant model. Having said that, if I had to do it all over, I would do basically the same thing, with some adjustments.”

I’m troubled when I read that she’d pretty much do the same thing, but with some adjustments. I’m really not sure what kind of adjustments she’s thinking about. For me, it’s an entirely different model of philosophy so it’d need a major adjustment, not minor ones.

To me, a Chinese homeschooling mom to five children, Chua’s parenting approach definitely struck a chord with me. I see many positive aspects to traditional Chinese parenting, such as the unwavering sacrifices Chinese parents are willing to extend to their children, a hard-working attitude, and being part of a strong familial support system. However, there are many negative aspects of Chinese parenting that results in negative consequences that need to be addressed.

I’ve been thinking and writing and rewriting this post for a week, and no matter how I express my thoughts, they don’t seem satisfactory to me. I initially wrote a lot about the ways that Chua’s “Tiger Mom” approach failed, disparaged, and damaged children. However, as I thought about it, I realized that this wasn’t the heart of my concern. Rather, I want to take a broader view or a high level view of this parenting approach. Hopefully this post will help those who are baffled by Chua’s article, which generated both positive and extremely negative comments and even death threats.

The biggest obstacle Chinese need to understand and overcome is the accomplishment-based parenting approach. It is a foregone conclusion in Chinese culture that children must build an impressive resume throughout one’s upbringing so that he may enter a prestigious college, which in turn will generate a high-earning job at a well-known company. You will then be able to purchase a home, get married, and have kids. This is the meaning of being successful.

I don’t necessarily have a problem with these goals, per se. The biggest problem is that there’s no room for failure. When parents set a path for their children with such high expectations and where failure is inconceivable, their children will suffer. I am a firm believer in setting high expectation for my kids as well as pushing them to do things that are difficult for them. I agree with Chua in that American parents have very low expectations of their children and that they’re always afraid of stepping on their children’s toes in the name of self-esteem. However, adopting Chua’s approach isn’t the solution. It’s like swinging the pendulum all the way from the left to the right. One doesn’t need to employ one extreme measure as a way of countering the other. I actually believe there is a middle ground where parents can put high expectations for their children, but with love, acceptance, encouragement, and a room for failure without a negative stigma.

It’s quite interesting to see different parenting styles void of God. When there is no absolute, it’s one approach versus another and who is to say it is right or wrong? As a Christian mom, I believe there is an absolute and I hold to the teaching in the Bible as the authority. In the end, the fundamental assumptions of the typical Chinese philosophy of parenting end up diametrically opposed to the heart of the Christian gospel. Let me explain.

Romans 5:8 says “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Jesus loved and accepted us while we were still messed up, dirty, and unworthy. This is how God treats us. His love toward us isn’t based on anything we have done or could have done. Love was extended in spite of us.

Jesus told the parable of the prodigal son to make this very point. “Prodigal” means extravagant to the point of wastefulness and recklessness. Pastor Tim Keller makes the excellent point that inasmuch as the younger son in the parable was prodigal with the wealth his father gave him; even more so, the father himself was prodigal — recklessly extravagant — when he received his disgraced, disheveled and dirty younger son back with not a word of rebuke or correction; but with only embrace and honor and joy! This is the heart of the gospel, and I believe should therefore be the heart of every Christian’s thinking about what constitutes faithful parenting. Any approach to parenting — however noble the goals or well-intended — must at its heart have this kind of unconditional love built-in.

In contrast, the typical Chinese mentality is based on what one can do or accomplish, and your worth is largely depend upon it. If you cannot attain to what’s set before you, you are essentially a failure, thus worth nothing. It’s hard for many Chinese children to believe that they are loved by their parents unconditionally. I believe deep down that many children believe that their parents love them, but when they’re confronted by their parents of their failures, i.e. an A- or B+ (heaven forbid!) grade, it’s hard to fight against the notion that their parents’ love for them is purely conditional. I know grown adults who grew up in this kind of atmosphere who are still struggling to “earn” their parents’ love by trying to please them via work, house purchases, financial decisions, etc.

The gospel stands in stark contrast to Chinese parenting. We were loved. Nothing more, nothing less. Not by what my hands can do, but by the hand of God. This is a precious truth. Just as Christ have loved us, we too, should love our children the same way for who they are, not what they accomplish. We should value our children for who they are; boys and girls made in the image of God. This is sacred and valuable. Their worth should never be devalued based on their lack of accomplishments. This is unconditional love.

UPDATE: A friend tipped us off to an excellent analysis of the strengths & weaknesses of Tiger parenting. We’d recommend it highly!

Keeping Up With the Joneses

Lois — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 20:57:39 +0000

While hanging out with some friends I discovered that their little four-year-old boy was extremely skilled in riding a bicycle. I watched him go and turn corners. He was a little pro. My six-year-old isn’t able to ride one yet. I thought to myself, what’s wrong with us? How come this four-year-old could do it and my older kids couldn’t? Sigh. . . . we’re definitely missing something somehow.

A family we know are trilingual and their children can read and write in two languages. We’re barely doing 1.5 languages in our house. I’m still struggling to keep with up Chinese with the kids. Sigh. . . . another downer for us.

Another family has kids who can swim like fish. The kids could really live in the water. My kids? Only one can swim while the others are afraid of the water. Not good.

Other families have their kids in music lessons and kids as young as four or five can perform wonderful music pieces. My kids? I’m barely teaching my oldest (8yo) to play the piano. Hmmm. . . another demerit for our family.

As I thought more about how we’re deficient in many ways in light of other people’s accomplishments, I realize how easily I can adopt the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality. As much as I want to stay away from that kind of thinking, it’s so easy to compare myself to others. Every family has their own strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has their own priorities and things that they value. Naturally, everyone’s family and values look different. So, why should one family imitate another? We all have different emphasis and ours looks different from the next person. Should it follow that we need to keep up with others in a similar stage of life?

The next time I’m tempted to compare myself or my family to others, I will instead reevaluate our goals as it pertains to our own family. Most importantly, I need to have an eternal perspective. Even though my goals or aspirations may not look the same as my friends’, what really matters is: do my goals seek to glorify God? Am I instilling a love for God in my children? And am I persevering to bestow upon my children the most important gift of all: the gospel?