Recently I came across a blog post from CJ Mahaney entitled “Video Games, Idols, and Your Child’s Heart.”  What stood out to me was how he explained that even though he’s lot older than his son and that their sins manifest differently, at the root of it, it’s the same.

It is too easy for me to view my son’s form of idolatry as childish, but in essence, at root, there is no difference between our idolatries. His expression is consistent with a 12 year old, mine is consistent with a 56 year old, but in essence it’s no different. Therefore I must make sure my heart is softened by my own sinful tendencies. I don’t want the study to be punitive, I don’t want it to be (if possible) connected or related to discipline, because I think that can make it more difficult for a child to comprehend and to be convinced I have their best interest at heart. I want to supplement it with my own stories.

In essence, my son, whom I view as the polar opposite of me, and I are the same.  I came to realize that even though as a child I don’t remember acting the way he is right now, I am just as sinful.  Even now when I’m lot older, at the root of it, I’m just the same as my child.

When my child’s selfishness is manifested in taking someone else’s toy or even strike another child, I have to see that I’m prone to being selfish as well.  It’s not helpful for me to view my child’s sin as childish, or that I can’t relate because I don’t ever recall striking another person as a child.  I find that the more I think I can’t identify with my child, the more frustrated I get.  If this cycle continues, I can see that my relationship with my child will be pulled apart more and more.

I can relate to my child and explain that I’m prone to selfishness, just like he, but mine looks different.  I’m just better at masking my selfishness.  By relating to my child in this way, I am more able to build a bridge with him and speak directly to his heart.  We’re both sinners.  We’re both equally prone to do wrong.  We both need a Savior.  This is why Jesus had to die for our sins.  What a glorious truth.

I am deeply grateful for Mahaney’s insight and it is my hope and prayer that I will strive to relate to my child in this manner.

I took the time to train our toddler while the older children were at a basketball camp last week.  I started with holding Bethany on my lap and not allowing her to come down, and when she wiggled in an effort to come down, I told her ‘no’ and told her to sit on my lap.  We did this for about 10 minutes while playing a sermon on the background.  Our first session was a real struggle for Bethany and she did not like it a bit!  When it was all over, she was relieved to get out of my lap.

We repeated the process the following day and this time she was content and not crying.  I had her sit on a stool and she was quiet and obeyed the entire 10 minutes.  The following day I had to mop our filthy floor, but Bethany kept getting in the way.  Instead of sending her away, I had her sit on a stool while I mopped.  She sat and watched me mop the floor for about 20 minutes.  Even though she struggled a bit 10 minutes in, she did great on the whole.

There are so many benefits to training children to sit still while they’re young and one of which is learning to have self-control.  For those who are interested in training their children to sit still, here are some tips I’ve learned along the way:

• Start training the children at home first.  When they cry and want to get out of their chair, you don’t have the whole public giving you the evil eye.
• Start out small.  You need to see your child’s abilities and see how many minutes to start out with.  If your child really struggles, you can start with 3 or 5 minutes.  Once they can sit for that long, increase the time to 7-10 minutes and so on.  In the past we worked up to one whole hour with our oldest while listening to a sermon.
• You may want to start the training by having your child sit on your lap or be buckled down in a high chair.  Once the child knows he must sit and not cry, you can transition him to a regular chair or couch.
• During the training session I don’t give the child any toys, papers, pencils, crayons, etc.  I have done so in the past and that proved to be counter productive.  All those items became a distraction and we ended up not having a successful training session.
• When it’s time to sit in the public, e.g., at church, I have the child on my lap and have her sit for as long as she can handle it.  Once she becomes a distraction, I take her out.  We keep repeating this process until she’s able to sit through the entire service.
• Some kids are harder to train than the others so even though it may take several training sessions for some children to get the idea, it may take lot more sessions for the others.  In addition, don’t think that once you’ve got your children to sit beautifully for a period of time that this habit will continue without any more efforts on your part.  Once in a while the already trained children fall apart, but don’t give up, just go back to the basics.  As long as you’re consistent and persevere, it will become a habit for them.
• Don’t give up!  It’s rather tempting to call the session off when the child is crying, but keep it up until the timer goes off.  Children are fast learners and they catch on fast though some take longer.

Here is Bethany sitting on a stool while I mopped the floor:

If I could have my way, I’d banish all toys from our house.  Why?  Because I keep stepping on them, especially Legos.  Stepping on Legos seems to be a rite of passage for parents.  I prefer a clean and organized house, but with five little ones, it’s near impossible to keep a clean house.  Naturally, it frustrates me when I see toys here and there, dispersed in various rooms, nooks and crannies.  Despite my displeasure with toys, I’ve come to see the importance of play in a child’s life.  Playing with children is a way how we as parents communicate and love our children.  It’s a way of showing them that we care, value, and treasure their world.  Too often we want to do our own things (believe me, this is a great temptation for any parent) and let the children do their own things.  If we approach parenting in such matter, we create two separate worlds: an adult world and a child world where two don’t intersect.  When the children are grown, we wonder why they’re not interested in our world nor our opinions.  If we desire our children to treasure our counsel, I believe we need to start entering their world when they are young.

So, how do we go about playing with the children when we’ve outgrown Legos, dolls, and cars?  First off, we can just sit and watch them play and simply be there.  When they’re done with their creation, especially a Lego creation, we can marvel at it, point out different parts that we like or thought were creative.  If you’re so inclined, offer some suggestions how they can add on or make the project more elaborate.  Whenever I offer suggestions like that, their eyes light up and are more motivated and energetic to make something else.  I love seeing how excited they get.

My kids like to pretend to serve me coffee and tea.  To get into the pretend world, I make requests and ask them to be sure to add sugar and cream in my coffee but none for the tea.  As they go back to their play kitchen to serve me drinks, I ask if they can bring me a piece of cake or other foods that I’d like to eat with my coffee.

We also should play with our children outdoors like at a local park.  Too often I see parents simply watch the kids but not play with them.  In general, parents at the local park seem to have the understanding that their primary job is to keep the children safe, but I believe it should be more than that.  Play with them!  Interact with them!  Play hide-and-seek, play peek-a-boo, or play tag.  Playing together builds stronger relationships.  I still remember a time when I took my kids to a local playground, a kid who wasn’t mine kept wanting to play with me.  He eventually pushed my kids away so he could play with ME!  When that happened, I was a bit annoyed but I quickly felt sorry for him.  Where are his parents?  Why aren’t they nearby?  Why does he keep wanting to play with me?  I looked around and found his mom sitting in a chair far away from him, drinking her coffee and reading a book.  She wasn’t interested in playing with her child.  What a pity.

Just remember, it may seem boring and uninteresting to play with our children and you would rather be having adult conversations with people your age.  But our interactions with our children are a means by which we invest in long-term deeper relationships with our children.  When they’re older, they’ll remember with fondness our play time together.  And as we enter their world right now, we create the bonds by which they’ll want to enter our world when they get older!

Previously in the series:

Relational Parenting

Point 1:  Be Approachable

And Matthew (my 8yo and our oldest) asked if he could pray as well, so I invited him to do so.

It went something like this.

Dear God… thank you for this day.

Thank you that Daddy could be blessed by the gifts we made him [they all made sweet father's day notes, some made several!]

I pray that you would help us be smarter…

[pauses, searching for the right words]

… and more intelligent…

[I'm chuckling inside]

… and most importantly, that we would be wiser.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Nothing could’ve made me happier than to hear this self-initiated prayer, especially as a Dad who’s been reading through Proverbs with the children daily and exhorting them to pursue wisdom and not folly.

That made a happy Father’s day for this dad!  May the Lord indeed answer this prayer in spades!

P.S. Here a couple snaps of some of the notes my children drew for me:

Recently, one of my kids told me that he was afraid of telling me what he truly thought or felt for the fear that I might get upset. When I heard that, I was rather surprised because I thought I had always been approachable and assumed that my children could come to me for anything. Apparently this wasn’t the case. After much conversing, I realized that I was approachable in good times, but not so much in bad times.

So, what happened along the way? As the children get older, our relationship with them changes. We move from a person of authority to a person of influence. Rather than telling them what they need to do while they are young, we become someone who influences them to act in a way that’s pleasing to God when they are older.

We as parents need to develop “thick skin” and encourage the children to come to us for ANYTHING.  I told my children that I want them to tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly with no condemnation nor judgment.  I will hear anything they want to tell me without getting upset.  They need to feel that they can tell us anything.  I said “feel” because often times they don’t really understand all the thoughts that they have, but they know what they feel.  Their feelings may not be precise or even pinpoint their exact emotion, but they know in general whether they feel safe or not safe, secure or not secure, loved or not loved, heard or not heard, etc.  Therefore, we should create an environment where they feel safe and loved to come to us.

Parents, be aware that we might get hurt or disappointed by what the children have to say.  This isn’t easy.  Our face may twitch, our heart may sink, and our mouth may want to quickly defend ourselves, but we should learn to listen and absorb all that they have to say no matter how inaccurate their description may be.  We may have to endure verbal assaults, character assassination, wrongful accusation, etc.  But I firmly believe that if we strive to create a friendly and safe environment for our children while they’re young, they will be careful not to hurl verbal assaults on us when they are older.

I believe frequent communication is the key.  We need to keep asking them how they’re doing and how we’re doing as parents.  I’m tempted on occasions to just rush through things for efficiency’s sake, but this isn’t conducive for forging a meaningful relationship.  It takes time to talk and work through things.  We should be patient and persevere.

Of late one of my kids seemed more disobedient than usual and every time an offense was committed, he seemed indignant and unteachable.  I was a bit baffled by this new development.  I revisited McDowell’s message and came to the realization that with so much busyness in life, we were failing to connect with him relationally.  We can only guess how he was feeling.  Perhaps he was feeling unimportant or that we don’t care as much anymore.  Or that all we cared about was whether he conformed to our rules — and in his childlike way, was reacting out of a sense of emotional distance and isolation.  I really don’t know for sure, but I do know that he needs our attention, affection, love, and a pair of ears to listen.  We changed our course of action and sought ways to relate to him.

We noticed a positive change after several days of intentional relationship building.  It was absolutely sweet for my child to speak freely with us without any fear of judgment or condemnation.  Just the other day this child came to me and said, “Mommy, you and daddy are the best!”  I was taken back by his proclamation that I didn’t respond right away.  He immediately repeated his proclamation to make sure I hear it second time around.  My heart was full of joy.  He’s also since taken to spontaneously expressing his love to myself or my husband at random occasions.

As I reflect on our recent circumstances and resolution, I am grateful to God that we were able to remedy the situation.  Even though we know what kind of family life we want to foster, we fall off the horse from time to time.  It was a bit surprising for me because all along I thought we were moving along just fine.  It can be devastating, disappointing, or heart breaking when we fall off the horse, but regardless, we need to get back on the horse and move in the right direction.  Part of this is doing periodic checkups with one another as parents, and in less direct ways with our children, to see if we’re staying true to our original course: building meaningful relationships with our children that are meant to last a lifetime!

As I trudge through this parenting journey, I’m learning and discovering ideas and tips that enable us to be better parents, and I want to share with you in an upcoming relational parenting series. Stay tuned!

For me, his suggestions also spoke volumes about parenting any child, including my own who are all under eight years old right now.  Here’s the full text of his first (and most important) word of advice:

1. Point them to Christ.
Your rebellious child’s real problem is not drugs or sex or cigarettes or porn or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or homosexuality or being in a punk band. The real problem is that your child doesn’t see Jesus clearly. The best thing you can do for rebellious children—and the only reason to follow any of these suggestions—is to show them Christ. It won’t be simple or immediate, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will begin to disappear only when they see Jesus more as He actually is.

Simply reading that paragraph made me realize how easy it is for me as a Christian parent to focus on obedience, kindness, behavior, heart motives… and point a child merely at himself instead of the Savior.  And absent a growing love for the Savior, that even the best of this is but legalism and self-righteousness (and death!).  But if I can faithfully, continually point my child to Christ, then by God’s grace, he will be transformed and those very actions I desire will come in due time.

Read the whole thing.

Until you are convinced that you can’t change your child’s heart, you will not take prayer seriously.

–Paul Miller, A Praying Life

HT: Irish Calvinist

When I was working in the corporate world some years ago, we always talked about a high learning curve when a person starts a new job.  The idea is that when you first start a new job, you really don’t know what you’re doing.  You have to learn how the company operates, what’s the proper channel of personnel, specific tasks or job descriptions related to your project, and a new set of corporate jargon to be learned.   A new hire usually attends an orientation or a training session.  Typically for the first month or two, a new hire really isn’t an asset to the company.  It isn’t until he learns how everything works that he begins to contribute to the company.

Taking the corporate example, we have to have the same mindset when training our children to help out in the house or simply learn a new skill.  Remember, in the beginning there’s a high learning curve and it’s going to take time for your child to learn and perfect the skill.  I think there is a three-step approach to this.

Step 1: Observe and learn

Quite simply, the student is to observe how a task is done.  As a teacher, we need to be sure to talk through each step and explain it thoroughly.  When we perform a task over and over again ad infinitum, we simply do it without thinking about it because the task is so deeply ingrained.  Too often we expect our student to possess the same skill to the same degree without thinking that this may very well be their first time ever performing the task.  It is imperative that we keep on talking and explaining the specifics.

My husband adds this insight: how a person observes from a standing height of 4 ft. or less is drastically different from what they might see at an adult’s height.  So he recommends getting down to your child’s height to get a sense of what they are actually seeing, and how you might better teach and show them the task more effectively.

Step 2: Perform the task with supervision

After they’ve successfully observed and learned the new task, they are to do it with your supervision.  When it comes to actually doing the task, it is quite different from just observing it.  I find myself forgetting steps when I do a new task even though I thought I knew or remembered all the steps.  Having a supervisor to guide the student through each step is helpful.  When he errs, the mistake can be quickly corrected.  As a trainer, we need to be patient.  I know sometimes I’d rather take over and finish the task because it’d be lot faster and efficient.  If I do this, I wouldn’t have properly trained my child to do the task. Resist the temptation to take over, rather, instruct the child through each step.

Step 3: Perform the task without supervision

Having observed and performed the task successfully, the child is now ready to do the task without supervision.  Depending on the task and the child, steps 1 and 2 may be repeated several times before being able to do the task on his own.  Don’t have the expectation of only going through the steps once and expect the child to already know how to do the task on his own.

Honestly, these three steps aren’t rocket science nor are they an ancient secret.  These three steps came about as I interacted with my children on a daily basis.  I think it is important to note these steps because we often forget them and set improper expectations for our children.  So, next time you start getting frustrated over your children’s lack of progress, consider the aforementioned steps and evaluate whether you’ve properly led them through all the steps.

This evening, as I was re-reading the chapter titled, “Disciplined by Grace,” I came across his contrast of the importance of grace-based pursuit of holiness to the way that children are often raised, to feel as if their acceptance is somehow dependent upon their performance (in school, in good behavior, etc.).

And suddenly it was like a light bulb went on in my head!

Why did this resonate so?  Well, in particular, I’ve been listening to a talk by Josh McDowell recently delivered at a homeschool conference on the subject of relational parenting.  And at the heart of his talk is this principle: “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.”  And over and over in his talk, he emphasized the critical importance of delighting in our children, and expressing that delight to them, independent of and even in the face of their shortcomings.   For example, he would say to his children, “I know you really wanted to [succeed].  And you gave it your all, and fell short.  But I want you to know that I love you.  And that will never be because of anything you do, but because you are made in the image of God, of infinite value and dignity.  And that will never change.”

He added that if we fail to regularly delight in them and don’t consistently accept them and love them independent of what they do, then even Biblically-performed discipline will lead to rebellion.  On the other hand, a child who is constantly reminded of his parents’ constant love, delight and joy in will be one who will delight to please his parents, and one in whom discipline will actually have its desired effect.

As I read Bridges’ parallel to parenting, I suddenly realized that the very point McDowell was making — the need to openly delight in and affirm our children unconditionally — is exactly how God delights in His children (us!) in the gospel.  And that’s exactly why we need to preach the gospel to ourselves every day.  Because the gospel is God’s way of expressing His delight toward us as a parent, when we regularly recall the gospel reality that God loves us not because of anything we might do, we will delight to serve Him.  Not out of enslaving performance-orientation, or self-justifying legalism; but out of a joyful relationship with Him by virtue of the realities of the gospel.  In other words, just as my child will delight to honor me if I delight in him, so too we will delight in pursuing holiness when we realize that God delights in us because of Christ’s work on our behalf!

This was an epiphany.  For so long, I’d heard this idea of preaching the gospel to oneself, and agreed in principle.  But it was just something of an intuitive leap to figure out how preaching the gospel transformed the way in which we pursue holiness.  It was this final connection to my need as a parent to daily express my love and delight for my children – independent of anything they had done or could ever do — that opened my eyes to that very same love and delight God has for us because of our union with Christ.  And through that, I think I’ve finally grasped why the gospel must be central to our pursuit of holiness.  It’s the only way that the discipline and pursuit of holiness will be delight and not drudgery.

And they say theology is just heady stuff.  Far be it.  Not only has the reality of the gospel shaped how I might serve the God who made me; but, Lord willing, it will shape the way in which I love my own children.   Even as I preach the gospel to myself for the sake of my sanctification, it paves the way for me to practice “gospel delight” in parenting.