Came across a quote that resonated with me in some areas I’ve been particularly convicted on personally as a parent.  It comes from a book that Lois recently began reading through.

Until you are convinced that you can’t change your child’s heart, you will not take prayer seriously.

–Paul Miller, A Praying Life

HT: Irish Calvinist

I think sometimes we expect kids to know how to do tasks without properly training them.  We expect them to know how to sweep or vacuum the floor, clean the toilet, cook simple meals, wipe down the counter, do laundry, etc. when they reach a certain age.  After all, they’ve been watching us do these tasks day in and day out.  They really should know how to do all these things by now!!!

When I was working in the corporate world some years ago, we always talked about a high learning curve when a person starts a new job.  The idea is that when you first start a new job, you really don’t know what you’re doing.  You have to learn how the company operates, what’s the proper channel of personnel, specific tasks or job descriptions related to your project, and a new set of corporate jargon to be learned.   A new hire usually attends an orientation or a training session.  Typically for the first month or two, a new hire really isn’t an asset to the company.  It isn’t until he learns how everything works that he begins to contribute to the company.

Taking the corporate example, we have to have the same mindset when training our children to help out in the house or simply learn a new skill.  Remember, in the beginning there’s a high learning curve and it’s going to take time for your child to learn and perfect the skill.  I think there is a three-step approach to this.

Step 1: Observe and learn

Quite simply, the student is to observe how a task is done.  As a teacher, we need to be sure to talk through each step and explain it thoroughly.  When we perform a task over and over again ad infinitum, we simply do it without thinking about it because the task is so deeply ingrained.  Too often we expect our student to possess the same skill to the same degree without thinking that this may very well be their first time ever performing the task.  It is imperative that we keep on talking and explaining the specifics.

My husband adds this insight: how a person observes from a standing height of 4 ft. or less is drastically different from what they might see at an adult’s height.  So he recommends getting down to your child’s height to get a sense of what they are actually seeing, and how you might better teach and show them the task more effectively.

Step 2: Perform the task with supervision

After they’ve successfully observed and learned the new task, they are to do it with your supervision.  When it comes to actually doing the task, it is quite different from just observing it.  I find myself forgetting steps when I do a new task even though I thought I knew or remembered all the steps.  Having a supervisor to guide the student through each step is helpful.  When he errs, the mistake can be quickly corrected.  As a trainer, we need to be patient.  I know sometimes I’d rather take over and finish the task because it’d be lot faster and efficient.  If I do this, I wouldn’t have properly trained my child to do the task. Resist the temptation to take over, rather, instruct the child through each step.

Step 3: Perform the task without supervision

Having observed and performed the task successfully, the child is now ready to do the task without supervision.  Depending on the task and the child, steps 1 and 2 may be repeated several times before being able to do the task on his own.  Don’t have the expectation of only going through the steps once and expect the child to already know how to do the task on his own.

Honestly, these three steps aren’t rocket science nor are they an ancient secret.  These three steps came about as I interacted with my children on a daily basis.  I think it is important to note these steps because we often forget them and set improper expectations for our children.  So, next time you start getting frustrated over your children’s lack of progress, consider the aforementioned steps and evaluate whether you’ve properly led them through all the steps.

I’ve been reading Jerry Bridges’ book Discipline of Grace with several men from church, and have been encouraged by the frequent recounting of the glories of the gospel.  Bridges emphasizes over and over the importance of living by grace and not merely by performance.  In other words, he argues that the pursuit of holiness must be rooted in God’s grace, and not in a desire to somehow gain his acceptance by our performance.  To sum this up, Bridges reminds the reader to “preach the gospel to yourself” every day.

This evening, as I was re-reading the chapter titled, “Disciplined by Grace,” I came across his contrast of the importance of grace-based pursuit of holiness to the way that children are often raised, to feel as if their acceptance is somehow dependent upon their performance (in school, in good behavior, etc.).

And suddenly it was like a light bulb went on in my head!

Why did this resonate so?  Well, in particular, I’ve been listening to a talk by Josh McDowell recently delivered at a homeschool conference on the subject of relational parenting.  And at the heart of his talk is this principle: “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.”  And over and over in his talk, he emphasized the critical importance of delighting in our children, and expressing that delight to them, independent of and even in the face of their shortcomings.   For example, he would say to his children, “I know you really wanted to [succeed].  And you gave it your all, and fell short.  But I want you to know that I love you.  And that will never be because of anything you do, but because you are made in the image of God, of infinite value and dignity.  And that will never change.”

He added that if we fail to regularly delight in them and don’t consistently accept them and love them independent of what they do, then even Biblically-performed discipline will lead to rebellion.  On the other hand, a child who is constantly reminded of his parents’ constant love, delight and joy in will be one who will delight to please his parents, and one in whom discipline will actually have its desired effect.

As I read Bridges’ parallel to parenting, I suddenly realized that the very point McDowell was making — the need to openly delight in and affirm our children unconditionally — is exactly how God delights in His children (us!) in the gospel.  And that’s exactly why we need to preach the gospel to ourselves every day.  Because the gospel is God’s way of expressing His delight toward us as a parent, when we regularly recall the gospel reality that God loves us not because of anything we might do, we will delight to serve Him.  Not out of enslaving performance-orientation, or self-justifying legalism; but out of a joyful relationship with Him by virtue of the realities of the gospel.  In other words, just as my child will delight to honor me if I delight in him, so too we will delight in pursuing holiness when we realize that God delights in us because of Christ’s work on our behalf!

This was an epiphany.  For so long, I’d heard this idea of preaching the gospel to oneself, and agreed in principle.  But it was just something of an intuitive leap to figure out how preaching the gospel transformed the way in which we pursue holiness.  It was this final connection to my need as a parent to daily express my love and delight for my children – independent of anything they had done or could ever do — that opened my eyes to that very same love and delight God has for us because of our union with Christ.  And through that, I think I’ve finally grasped why the gospel must be central to our pursuit of holiness.  It’s the only way that the discipline and pursuit of holiness will be delight and not drudgery.

And they say theology is just heady stuff.  Far be it.  Not only has the reality of the gospel shaped how I might serve the God who made me; but, Lord willing, it will shape the way in which I love my own children.   Even as I preach the gospel to myself for the sake of my sanctification, it paves the way for me to practice “gospel delight” in parenting.

This past weekend I had the chance to listen to Josh McDowell talk about “The Seven A’s of Relational Parenting” at a homeschool conference.  One of the seven A’s was “Appreciation: a sense of significance.”  He explained that as parents we need to catch the kids doing things RIGHT and express appreciation.  For example: “Thank you for taking the trash out.  I appreciate that.”  Such example is simple, yet I find myself not doing it as often as I’d like.

When the children are young, one of our goals is to teach them obedience.  It’s easy to expect obedience and forget to tell them that we appreciate their effort.  While training them to be obedient, we focus so much on corrections that we don’t express words of appreciation.  Their world is full of what they shouldn’t do or what they didn’t do right and how they may do better.  I’m not suggesting that we put discipline and corrective actions aside, rather, I’m compelled to put more emphasis on what they do right and tell them how much we appreciate them.

I believe that if we continue in the path of not expressing words of appreciation, we will get in the habit of NOT appreciating them at all.  And what’s more, they will increasingly find no joy in doing the things that please us.  To remedy this, we should start NOW so we develop a good habit rather than a bad one.  Now, go find a kid and tell him how much you appreciate him!

One of our children consistently has a dejected spirit every morning, without fail.  It isn’t easy to deal with this persistent attitude first thing in the morning.  When this happened again this morning, I took the time to talk to her.  Proverbs 17:22 came to mind, which says, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.”

She knows this particular verse very well.  In fact, she even knows how to sing it.  Thanks to Steve Green’s Hide Em In Your Heart CD.  I sang the “Joyful Heart” song which is based on Proverbs 17:22 to her this morning and carefully explained that a broken spirit, which she has EVERY morning, dries up the bones.  I proceeded to show her where her bones are by pressing down on her arms and legs.  Bones are everywhere in the body, including the face.  If we continue to have a broken spirit, the bones inside will dry up or die.  That’s a lot of dead bones!  However, the Bible says, if we have a joyful spirit, it’s like a good medicine.  Whenever we get sick, like getting a cold, we can take medicine which will make us feel better.  Likewise, a joyful spirit will make us better.  I asked her whether she wants to have the good medicine or dead bones.  It was quite obvious at this point that the right and wise answer is a joyful spirit.  After this discussion, she was able to gather her broken spirit and turn it to a joyful spirit.

I’m very grateful for Steve Green’s song, especially this particular verse.  How appropriate! The Scriptures, even set to music, are very appropriate and useful in teaching our children.  Thank God for his provision!

Recently we vacationed in San Diego with another family, and it was a great time together.  Our oldest and their boy got along really well, and I just love the fact that they enjoyed playing with each other.  With the two of them similar in age, they had a blast being boys and having fun at the same time.

After a couple of days, however, both sets of parents realized that these two boys were so enjoying one another’s company that they inadvertently had begun to exclude their own siblings.  The others were feeling left out and hurt as a result.  We had a chat with both boys separately, encouraging them to include their respective siblings in their fun, which they did happily thereafter.

We live in a culture that values peer relationships because we naturally gravitate towards what’s comfortable and easy.  We are very careful in making sure that our children don’t fall prey to negative peer relationships.  However, I find that even positive peer relationships can have a negative effect.  Even though our oldest was having a great time with our friend’s son, we did not want him to neglect his other siblings nor to treat this friend with more importance than his siblings.  I noticed that the more time my boy spent with our friends’ son (of similar interest and age), the more he “forgot” about his siblings.  It became harder to extract him from any activity he was engaged in.

And yet… we were greatly encouraged as we saw both boys, after being guided by their parents, begin to gladly (not begrudgingly) and intentionally work hard to ensure that their siblings were as much a part of the fun as ever.  We know that they are very much glad for their brothers and sisters (though not without frequent reminders from us).  So it gave us great joy to see these two boys not only cultivate their friendship, but to do so in an inclusive fashion.  They went from being self-centered in their fun (albeit with another self) to being other-centered, which is the heart of Christian living (“Love your neighbor as yourself”).  They thus managed not only to forge new bonds, but to strengthen the ones within their own respective families that will in all likelihood be there for their entire lives.

No doubt, in the coming years, we will face new challenges in keeping our family tight-knit.  Not only children, but parents can also lose sight of the priority of family.  Strengthening family relationships, esp. sibling relationships, takes work.  We hope that God gives us much wisdom, so that when our kids read their Bibles, and see how the New Testament refers to fellow Christians as “brothers” and “sisters,” it means much more than a distant or forced relation, but instead a very loving, lasting, and meaningful one.  And when they think of who their best friends are, their very own siblings are on the top of the list.

As my hubby noted, we vacationed in San Diego last week.  It was a fun time together as a family, but it wasn’t without meltdowns, complaints, bad attitudes, etc.  There were a few moments where I wondered, “How is this a vacation when I’m trying to give the kids lots of fun but they respond with meltdowns and complaints?”

I learned long ago that family vacation doesn’t really mean a complete vacation because we still have to wear our parenting caps, even on vacation.  So, how can one have a nice family vacation without having to deal with continuous meltdowns and complaints?

From experience we know what works for our family and how much the children can handle life outside of their home routines.  When we’re on vacation, we don’t pack our schedule with back-to-back activities because that’s a recipe for disaster.  Rather, we have one “on” day and one “off” day schedule.  We spent an entire day at Legoland and the following day, we took it easy and hung out at the hotel pool.  After a long full day at Legoland, the kids need a break whether they know it or not.  They need to catch up on sleep in order to maintain their homeostasis.

Legoland was an all-day affair.  On our second visit there, in spite of having taken two days of “downtime” at the hotel, the kids were nevertheless beginning to show signs of missing their regular routine.  By mid-day, two of the kids had a conniption over nothing.  We knew their behavior was due to having missed their naps.  But their behavior was still unacceptable.  They were disciplined for their behavior and afterward we had them sit in the stroller to sleep.  Unsurprisingly, they went to sleep almost immediately.  For some, putting the kids in a stroller to sleep seem waste of money because after all, they just spent lots of moeny on a theme park.  To have the kids miss out on rides and activities seem a waste of money and time.  As for us, we’d rather have sane kids over over-stimulated or over-tired kids.  How much fun are they truly having if they’re exhausted?  I doubt they’re having that much fun.  And neither are we.

I believe that parents exasperate their kids — in disobedience to God’s Word — if they keep on pressing on to give their children as much fun as possible even though they know their children are exhausted and melting down.  We have to consider our children’s needs first.  Even though we may feel compelled to get the biggest bang for the buck at an expensive theme park, our children’s needs come first.  Even when the children acted out, we shouldn’t make excuses for them.  We need to deal with their behavior immediately and appropriately.  Of course, there’s a fine tender balance.  They are tired so their self-control is out of the window, and we need to be especially tender and careful in addressing their issues.

Another nugget of wisdom we found was that the right amount of time to be on vacation is approximately one week.  Any time longer than that, the kids get antsy and start to act out more than usual.  One week is just right because it gives us enough time to do what we want to do, but not too long so that we feel we’re simply tired of our vacation destination.