“Grace hunt” is a term coined by Ed Welch of Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation, and the idea is to identify evidence of God’s grace in a person’s life.  In other words, it means we try our best to find something good in a person.

In a household full of little ones who need daily corrections for one thing or another, we need grace, and lots of it.  It is easy to lose sight of what grace means in the midst of training.  Recently I implemented “grace hunt” in our home.  Rather than haphazardly going about it, I made it a daily instance during our dinner time.

I explained to the kids that “grace hunt” is like a treasure hunt.  Instead of hunting for treasures, we’re hunting for grace.  We want to see how God works in each person.  We started with me identifying evidences of grace in each child’s life during that particular day.  I can definitely tell that they really like it.  Who wouldn’t want to be praised?  I’m also careful in not merely boosting one’s ego through such practice.  I make sure that whatever good I see in a child is directed back to God.  For example, “I’m so happy to see you obeying quickly and finishing your chore.  I see God helping you to be more diligent and obedient.  Thank you.”  As I identifies evidence of grace in the children, I also encourage them to look for them in their siblings during the day.

I am very glad that we’re doing “grace hunt” on a daily basis because it helps me reflect on each child.  I often get derailed emotionally when I’m constantly dealing with problems so helping me focus on God’s grace in each child’s life is a good practice for me.  It definitely fights against disappointment, depression, or other negative sentiments.

Typically, we’re a low-key kind of family when it comes to gifts for the children for Christmas.  This year was an exception.  Now that the kids are older and they know what they want, but not in a demanding way, we want to bless them.  So this year, we splurged. With our parents’ generous giving, my brother’s, and ours, the kids got lots of presents.  They had a great Christmas.  The house was filled with much giddiness.

Each child easily got 10 gifts, not just any gifts, but gifts that they really desire.  One particular child who shall remain unnamed got grumpy when his/her very last present was opened because it was not to this child’s liking.  I was taken back by the reaction because this is after opening 10 fabulous gifts, but this child chose to focus on the one he/she did not like.  When asked what was wrong with the gift, this child put on a sour face and then burst into tears.  Needless to say, I had to address the problem right away.  We remedied the situation so all is well now.

The same evening my brain cell depleted brain started to spin and ponder upon this situation.  I admit that I was incredulous and unhappy that this child was so ungrateful for the many wonderful gifts he/she got.  Like I mentioned earlier, we splurged this year, but it didn’t translate to gratitude for this one particular child.  My husband started to blame himself thinking it was his fault because he picked the wrong gift for this child, but I disagreed.  I told him that in this case it was not the giver’s fault, rather it was the child’s poor attitude and ingratitude.  I can certainly understand the disappointment if this was the ONLY gift that we gave, but this certainly wasn’t the case.  After sighing and feeling incredulous, I had an epiphany.

Isn’t this how we treat God?  He has given us so many wonderful things, but we choose to focus on one small thing that we don’t like.  We complain about that one thing we either didn’t get or don’t like.  How easily we forget His generosity in other things.  We are so intent on that one thing that we complain about the Giver.  Why isn’t God giving me this or that?  It must be the Giver’s fault.

Parenting has taught me a lot about life.  It has so many correlations to how we adults relate to one another and to God.  A child’s sins/faults are more apparent and we can see them more clearly, but before we think we are better than them, we need to remember that deep down we are just like them.  Our faults are more easily masked so we can get away with our sins more readily.  But God is not fooled.

This Christmas season we were able to savor the coming of Jesus each of the 28 days leading up to Christmas.  It was a wonderful time spending approximately 45 minutes each night reading and talking about the coming of Christ.  Even though one of our children’s grumpy attitude upon receiving a gift he/she didn’t like put a brief damper on this joyous occasion, I am thankful that it is a lesson that reminds me of the ultimate gift of God: Jesus Christ.  This gift is much much more than we can ever ask for.  The Savior of the World came to save us from our sins.  What a wonderful gift!  I am thankful and eternally indebted.

A recently burgeoning movement in the church in America is the so-called “Family-Integrated Church” (FIC) movement.  There is much to commend about their message of the need for parents, and especially fathers, to take responsibility for the discipleship of their own children; and not merely to shuffle them off to “youth group” and “youth pastors.”  In addition, the FIC movement rightly recognizes the importance of “multi-generational” discipleship in contrast to the near obsession with life-phase segregation in American churches today: “high schoolers,” “married couples w/o children,” “couples with young children under 5,” “empty nesters,” etc.  The FIC provides a helpful contrast to a culture that is all about self-oriented, self-serving ministry and calls out the pattern observed from Titus 2, where older and younger saints are commanded to interact with each other; the younger to learn from the older, so as to grow in godliness and maturity.

One of the common concerns of the FIC movement is the “high school ministry” typical in most churches.  In far too many cases, it would seem that children in most churches are shuffled off to one side of the church campus (or “dropped off,” as the case may be), never to be seen until it’s time to pile into the car.  And from what I’ve seen in my past through various churches, many of their parents expect that it’s “the job of the church” to teach their children how to walk with God.

Unfortunately, Eph. 6:4 says something far different: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

The text does not say that fathers should make sure their children go to good [Sunday] schools to learn about the Lord.  It does not suggest that the key job of parents is to ensure that their churches have engaging youth pastors who will bring their children up to love Jesus — in the same way many parents try to ensure their children go to good schools for their education.

There is no delegation implied from this text (though partnership with the church family is critical).

Without question, it is up to dads to oversee and engage in the discipleship their children (yes, dads, it is not your wife’s job!).

In other words, if fathers (and mothers) fail to personally take responsibility on a daily basis for the discipleship of their children; if they fail to preach Christ through their marriages and through their words; if they allow the world to dictate what a “youth” should be interested in and simply try to keep their kids “clean” from the influence of drugs, illicit sec, etc.; if they fail to uphold a Biblical standard not only of belief but of long-term/eternal goals, values and lifestyle… then the “best” youth ministry in the world is unlikely to do anything to shepherd their hearts to love Jesus.

But don’t take it from me.  Here’s a helpful blog post from a high school pastor who more or less admits (in my words) that his ability to shape the spiritual life of youth coming through his church pales in comparison the significance of parental influence on the same youth:

The common thread that binds together almost every ministry-minded 20-something that I know is abundantly clear: a home where the gospel was not peripheral but absolutely central. The 20-somethings who are serving, leading, and driving the ministries at our church were kids whose parents made them go to church. They are kids whose parents punished them and held them accountable when they were rebellious. They are kids whose parents read the Bible around the dinner table every night. And they are kids whose parents were tough, but who ultimately operated from a framework of grace that held up the cross of Jesus as the basis for peace with God and forgiveness toward one another. This is not a formula! Kids from wonderful gospel-centered homes leave the church; people from messed-up family backgrounds find eternal life in Jesus and have beautiful marriages and families. But it’s also not a crap-shoot. In general, children who are led in their faith during their growing-up years by parents who love Jesus vibrantly, serve their church actively, and saturate their home with the gospel completely, grow up to love Jesus and the church.  … Parents, preach the gospel and live the gospel for your children; our work depends on you.

In effect, I think an argument can be made that “our work” — the work of youth pastors — is really just an addendum.

And if churches expended far more energy encouraging and equipping parents to effectively and faithfully disciple their children — instead of constructing youth programs/ministries and hiring youth pastors — and encouraging multi-generational relationships within the church — it would bear far more long-term fruit than much of what takes place in the name of reaching the younger people in our churches.

People often ask us — observing the number of children we have — “How do you manage to spend (enough) one-on-one time with each child”.  Too often I go, “Ehhhh. . . .hmmmm. . . ok, well, we haven’t been doing one-on-one time with each kid because we haven’t had the need to yet.”  Now, not only do I sound ineloquent, I sound like a bad mother because after all, one-on-one time is essential.  How can I ensure that each child has his own individuality and not get mixed up in the midst of his siblings?  When I say that currently we don’t need one-on-one time, I get the sense that people don’t believe me.  Thus far we don’t have a system in place to ensure that each child gets mommy or daddy time, but I’m always watching and observing my children.  Whenever I see a child who is unusually out of control or get in trouble more often, that tells me that perhaps he needs more mommy or daddy time.  We have certainly taken each child on a date before and while some of those moments were precious, some weren’t as memorable.  I recall one time when I took my oldest to dinner, just the two of us.  I had anticipated a fruitful conversation, but it didn’t happen that way.  He was unusually quiet and as much as I tried to engage him, he just sorta nodded or shook his head and didn’t feel like engaging.  I remember being baffled and feeling a bit disappointed.  Finally, I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go home.  So off we went and after he came home, he was his normal self again, happy and engaging with his siblings.

We are a family that does almost everything together.  We eat most meals together (a rare occasion for many families), we school together, we play together, we visit people together, we go to church together, we simply do life together.  We are very much part of one another’s lives.  I believe because we value each other so much that we don’t necessarily need one-on-one time as much.  I am certainly not opposed to spending one-on-one time, but I’m simply questioning whether if this one-on-one time concept is a bit overrated.

I really appreciate what fellow blogger (and friend) Kendra had to say in a recent post about one-on-one time.  She quoted homeschooling speaker Todd Wilson who offered the following which I thought was very insightful:

If you think about it, maybe it’s better to train our children that they can be special without having to be away from everyone else.

Really?!  Has this thought crossed people’s minds when asking this question?  Wilson suggested the following:

Although we do those things and you might implement them as well, you should not feel guilty because you just can’t seem to get them alone for one-on-one time very often. Instead, try making them feel special within a family context. I bet you could even do that today.

I absolutely agree!

Proverbs 22:6 is often quoted by hopeful Christian parents as a promise from the Lord with respect to faithful parenting:

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

More often than not, it’s suggested that if Christians faithfully rear their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, when those children are old, they will not depart from what they’ve been taught.

Or sometimes, it’s suggested that this verse promises that “prodigal sons” will invariably return.

And yet, how often has this not been the case?  Is God unfaithful to His Word?

It was suggested a number of years ago to me that the problem is not God’s unfaithfulness to his promise.  But rather, the problem is we have misunderstood this verse.

We think it’s a promise of rewards for faithful parenting.

In fact, it’s the exact opposite.  It’s a warning against unfaithful parenting!

I think it’s a severe enough mistake, common in many circles of Christian parenting literature, that I feel compelled to post this excerpt from a sermon on Proverbs that I think nails this verse.

Two years ago, we read and reviewed Bill Farley’s excellent book, Gospel-Powered Parenting.

We recently discovered that he and his wife were featured speakers at a church in our area… after the fact! Doh!

Fortunately, all the sessions from the conference were made available for free download.  We’ve been refreshed and reminded as we’ve listened to these of the need for the gospel in our lives to transform us (and thereby, our parenting).  I’d strongly encourage you — no matter where you are in your parenting journey (even “pre-parents!”) to give them a listen.

Here are links to all the sessions for download or streaming:

The past couple of days, Lois didn’t sleep very well.  So after her customary morning walks, she decided to get a bit of extra rest in bed.

But I’m so grateful that my children have decided to make up the difference.

Yesterday, my oldest (now 9yo) took it upon himself (after getting my permission as I was headed out the door to work) to make pancakes for everyone. Other than slightly burning himself (yet pressing on!!!) and burning a couple of them (cuz he was nerding out and reading!), he did a fantastic job.

Today, all four of my older kids got into the dance and made waffles with strawberry sauce. What’s more, two of them even served Lois with breakfast in bed, complete with hot tea!

I’m grateful for them, and for how they’re learning to be “little men” and “little women” serving one another and their mom. For sure, there’s still a lot to be learned (like cleaning up the kitchen, ha ha!), and we’re still desperately longing to see God’s grace in more profound and permanent ways in their lives.  But for today, we’re truly grateful for what we trust is God’s grace manifesting itself in their lives in little ways.

On a related note, Lois found a little blog post that was a great encouragement on being “desperate mothers.” The author quotes from a book we’ve got in our own library and read in part, A Praying Life, and this quote in particular was a great reminder:

“It took me seventeen years to realize I couldn’t parent on my own. It was not a great spiritual insight, just a realistic observation. If I didn’t pray deliberately and reflectively for members of my family by name every morning, they’d kill one another. I was incapable of getting inside their hearts. … It didn’t take me long to realize I did my best parenting by prayer.” A Praying Life, p. 59

So today, I’m moved to both be thankful for and to be interceding in prayer for my entire family.  And to close this post, on both of those themes, I defer to Psalm 127:

Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.