As my children grow and increase in comprehension, I’m finding myself talking more and more to them about the gospel and how it relates to their disobedience.  Naturally, our discipline sessions get longer and longer.  Even though it’s quite time consuming and emotionally laborious, I truly believe it’s beneficial that my children know how the gospel relates to them in everyday life.

Recently I had a conversation with one of the kids.  Once again, an act of unkindness towards one of his siblings is manifested in tears and sadness so we sat down to talk.  I probed and asked questions trying to help him understand the reason behind his unkindness.  When such kind of questions are asked, the most favorite and easy answer is “I don’t know.”  Such an answer is not helpful and can be frustrating at times as I’m trying hard to seek to understand.  I’ve now made it a rule that an “I don’t know” answer is not allowed and so far it’s been working out quite well because it forces the child to think deeper.  I also allow time for the child to come up with an answer by communicating that I’m willing to sit and wait.  No matter how bad the answer may be, I want to know it.  There’s no need to sugar coat the answer.  Usually the child is able to come up with an answer.

Once we’ve got an answer, we can begin addressing the issue.  Sometimes I’m a bit taken back by the rawness of the answer (e.g., “I don’t like my sister”), but at the same time I am grateful for it because it tells me that the child is being honest with himself.  I’m learning to identify with my child in acknowledging that I too, struggle with the root issue of his conflict with this siblings.  As much as he is a sinner, so too, I’m a sinner who sins and can identify with him.  However, we don’t just stop here.  I point him to Christ and tell him that his unkind act tells him that he needs a Savior.  The good news is that Christ died for his sins.  We can look to Christ with hope.  Jesus’ magnitude of love and sacrifice for us should compel us to live a righteous life.  After such discussion, I pray for him.

Whenever my children need a disciplinary action, I want to remind them their need of the Savior and the gospel.  I really appreciate Tim Keller’s words about the gospel in The Reason for God, and I hope that you will dwell on it with a deep appreciation for Christ.

The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me.  This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time.  It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.

I recall telling my husband and friends that I simply don’t get boys, specifically one particular active one in my family!  I don’t understand how he can get in trouble so many times a day and how he can get himself involved in so many mischievous ways.  I simply don’t understand it.  I look back to my childhood and cannot recall a single time where I acted the way he did.  I was a very compliant child and I hardly got in trouble growing up.  My parents can testify to this!  So, how did I produce a child who’s so different from me?  Many times I’m at a loss as to how to deal, understand, and connect with a child who is so different from me.  I didn’t struggle with the things he’s struggling with.  So, how do I identify with him and help him?

Recently I came across a blog post from CJ Mahaney entitled “Video Games, Idols, and Your Child’s Heart.”  What stood out to me was how he explained that even though he’s lot older than his son and that their sins manifest differently, at the root of it, it’s the same.

It is too easy for me to view my son’s form of idolatry as childish, but in essence, at root, there is no difference between our idolatries. His expression is consistent with a 12 year old, mine is consistent with a 56 year old, but in essence it’s no different. Therefore I must make sure my heart is softened by my own sinful tendencies. I don’t want the study to be punitive, I don’t want it to be (if possible) connected or related to discipline, because I think that can make it more difficult for a child to comprehend and to be convinced I have their best interest at heart. I want to supplement it with my own stories.

In essence, my son, whom I view as the polar opposite of me, and I are the same.  I came to realize that even though as a child I don’t remember acting the way he is right now, I am just as sinful.  Even now when I’m lot older, at the root of it, I’m just the same as my child.

When my child’s selfishness is manifested in taking someone else’s toy or even strike another child, I have to see that I’m prone to being selfish as well.  It’s not helpful for me to view my child’s sin as childish, or that I can’t relate because I don’t ever recall striking another person as a child.  I find that the more I think I can’t identify with my child, the more frustrated I get.  If this cycle continues, I can see that my relationship with my child will be pulled apart more and more.

I can relate to my child and explain that I’m prone to selfishness, just like he, but mine looks different.  I’m just better at masking my selfishness.  By relating to my child in this way, I am more able to build a bridge with him and speak directly to his heart.  We’re both sinners.  We’re both equally prone to do wrong.  We both need a Savior.  This is why Jesus had to die for our sins.  What a glorious truth.

I am deeply grateful for Mahaney’s insight and it is my hope and prayer that I will strive to relate to my child in this manner.

When my oldest was 15 months old, I began training him to sit still.  When we had our second child, we kept up with the training, and as we added more children to the brood, the little ones followed their older siblings’ examples.  We’ve come to a point where it’s given that our children are expected to sit and participate during Sunday service.  This is such a blessing and I really take delight in having my children with us on Sundays.  Our youngest is 20 months old now and she does not sit well on Sundays.  Once again, we’re revisiting our training session.

I took the time to train our toddler while the older children were at a basketball camp last week.  I started with holding Bethany on my lap and not allowing her to come down, and when she wiggled in an effort to come down, I told her ‘no’ and told her to sit on my lap.  We did this for about 10 minutes while playing a sermon on the background.  Our first session was a real struggle for Bethany and she did not like it a bit!  When it was all over, she was relieved to get out of my lap.

We repeated the process the following day and this time she was content and not crying.  I had her sit on a stool and she was quiet and obeyed the entire 10 minutes.  The following day I had to mop our filthy floor, but Bethany kept getting in the way.  Instead of sending her away, I had her sit on a stool while I mopped.  She sat and watched me mop the floor for about 20 minutes.  Even though she struggled a bit 10 minutes in, she did great on the whole.

There are so many benefits to training children to sit still while they’re young and one of which is learning to have self-control.  For those who are interested in training their children to sit still, here are some tips I’ve learned along the way:

• Start training the children at home first.  When they cry and want to get out of their chair, you don’t have the whole public giving you the evil eye.
• Start out small.  You need to see your child’s abilities and see how many minutes to start out with.  If your child really struggles, you can start with 3 or 5 minutes.  Once they can sit for that long, increase the time to 7-10 minutes and so on.  In the past we worked up to one whole hour with our oldest while listening to a sermon.
• You may want to start the training by having your child sit on your lap or be buckled down in a high chair.  Once the child knows he must sit and not cry, you can transition him to a regular chair or couch.
• During the training session I don’t give the child any toys, papers, pencils, crayons, etc.  I have done so in the past and that proved to be counter productive.  All those items became a distraction and we ended up not having a successful training session.
• When it’s time to sit in the public, e.g., at church, I have the child on my lap and have her sit for as long as she can handle it.  Once she becomes a distraction, I take her out.  We keep repeating this process until she’s able to sit through the entire service.
• Some kids are harder to train than the others so even though it may take several training sessions for some children to get the idea, it may take lot more sessions for the others.  In addition, don’t think that once you’ve got your children to sit beautifully for a period of time that this habit will continue without any more efforts on your part.  Once in a while the already trained children fall apart, but don’t give up, just go back to the basics.  As long as you’re consistent and persevere, it will become a habit for them.
• Don’t give up!  It’s rather tempting to call the session off when the child is crying, but keep it up until the timer goes off.  Children are fast learners and they catch on fast though some take longer.

Here is Bethany sitting on a stool while I mopped the floor:

We haven’t  had the time to pay much attention to our blog for so long that it’s odd to return to the relational parenting series I had started a while ago. It seemed ironic to me that as soon as I started a series, I struggled being a parent to my children in a way that’s honoring and pleasing to God.  As time wore on, I felt even more inadequate to express my thoughts.  I’ve now returned to my unfinished series, but this does not mean that I’ve mastered the art of parenting, rather, I see myself very much in the thick of things.  I write as a fellow sojourner, and with that, we return to the second entry in this series: Play With The Kids.

If I could have my way, I’d banish all toys from our house.  Why?  Because I keep stepping on them, especially Legos.  Stepping on Legos seems to be a rite of passage for parents.  I prefer a clean and organized house, but with five little ones, it’s near impossible to keep a clean house.  Naturally, it frustrates me when I see toys here and there, dispersed in various rooms, nooks and crannies.  Despite my displeasure with toys, I’ve come to see the importance of play in a child’s life.  Playing with children is a way how we as parents communicate and love our children.  It’s a way of showing them that we care, value, and treasure their world.  Too often we want to do our own things (believe me, this is a great temptation for any parent) and let the children do their own things.  If we approach parenting in such matter, we create two separate worlds: an adult world and a child world where two don’t intersect.  When the children are grown, we wonder why they’re not interested in our world nor our opinions.  If we desire our children to treasure our counsel, I believe we need to start entering their world when they are young.

So, how do we go about playing with the children when we’ve outgrown Legos, dolls, and cars?  First off, we can just sit and watch them play and simply be there.  When they’re done with their creation, especially a Lego creation, we can marvel at it, point out different parts that we like or thought were creative.  If you’re so inclined, offer some suggestions how they can add on or make the project more elaborate.  Whenever I offer suggestions like that, their eyes light up and are more motivated and energetic to make something else.  I love seeing how excited they get.

My kids like to pretend to serve me coffee and tea.  To get into the pretend world, I make requests and ask them to be sure to add sugar and cream in my coffee but none for the tea.  As they go back to their play kitchen to serve me drinks, I ask if they can bring me a piece of cake or other foods that I’d like to eat with my coffee.

We also should play with our children outdoors like at a local park.  Too often I see parents simply watch the kids but not play with them.  In general, parents at the local park seem to have the understanding that their primary job is to keep the children safe, but I believe it should be more than that.  Play with them!  Interact with them!  Play hide-and-seek, play peek-a-boo, or play tag.  Playing together builds stronger relationships.  I still remember a time when I took my kids to a local playground, a kid who wasn’t mine kept wanting to play with me.  He eventually pushed my kids away so he could play with ME!  When that happened, I was a bit annoyed but I quickly felt sorry for him.  Where are his parents?  Why aren’t they nearby?  Why does he keep wanting to play with me?  I looked around and found his mom sitting in a chair far away from him, drinking her coffee and reading a book.  She wasn’t interested in playing with her child.  What a pity.

Just remember, it may seem boring and uninteresting to play with our children and you would rather be having adult conversations with people your age.  But our interactions with our children are a means by which we invest in long-term deeper relationships with our children.  When they’re older, they’ll remember with fondness our play time together.  And as we enter their world right now, we create the bonds by which they’ll want to enter our world when they get older!

Previously in the series:

Relational Parenting

Point 1:  Be Approachable

For me… ’twas closing the day in prayer with the boys.

And Matthew (my 8yo and our oldest) asked if he could pray as well, so I invited him to do so.

It went something like this.

Dear God… thank you for this day.

Thank you that Daddy could be blessed by the gifts we made him [they all made sweet father's day notes, some made several!]

I pray that you would help us be smarter…

[pauses, searching for the right words]

… and more intelligent…

[I'm chuckling inside]

… and most importantly, that we would be wiser.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Nothing could’ve made me happier than to hear this self-initiated prayer, especially as a Dad who’s been reading through Proverbs with the children daily and exhorting them to pursue wisdom and not folly.

That made a happy Father’s day for this dad!  May the Lord indeed answer this prayer in spades!

P.S. Here a couple snaps of some of the notes my children drew for me:

As I indicated in my Relational Parenting post, I’ll be sharing some of the tips I’ve learned and discovered for building a lifelong relationship with my children.  Obviously, I speak as one who’s still on the parenting journey, not as one who has arrived.  So if you have any additional suggestions, that’s what comments are for! =-)

Recently, one of my kids told me that he was afraid of telling me what he truly thought or felt for the fear that I might get upset. When I heard that, I was rather surprised because I thought I had always been approachable and assumed that my children could come to me for anything. Apparently this wasn’t the case. After much conversing, I realized that I was approachable in good times, but not so much in bad times.

So, what happened along the way? As the children get older, our relationship with them changes. We move from a person of authority to a person of influence. Rather than telling them what they need to do while they are young, we become someone who influences them to act in a way that’s pleasing to God when they are older.

We as parents need to develop “thick skin” and encourage the children to come to us for ANYTHING.  I told my children that I want them to tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly with no condemnation nor judgment.  I will hear anything they want to tell me without getting upset.  They need to feel that they can tell us anything.  I said “feel” because often times they don’t really understand all the thoughts that they have, but they know what they feel.  Their feelings may not be precise or even pinpoint their exact emotion, but they know in general whether they feel safe or not safe, secure or not secure, loved or not loved, heard or not heard, etc.  Therefore, we should create an environment where they feel safe and loved to come to us.

Parents, be aware that we might get hurt or disappointed by what the children have to say.  This isn’t easy.  Our face may twitch, our heart may sink, and our mouth may want to quickly defend ourselves, but we should learn to listen and absorb all that they have to say no matter how inaccurate their description may be.  We may have to endure verbal assaults, character assassination, wrongful accusation, etc.  But I firmly believe that if we strive to create a friendly and safe environment for our children while they’re young, they will be careful not to hurl verbal assaults on us when they are older.

I believe frequent communication is the key.  We need to keep asking them how they’re doing and how we’re doing as parents.  I’m tempted on occasions to just rush through things for efficiency’s sake, but this isn’t conducive for forging a meaningful relationship.  It takes time to talk and work through things.  We should be patient and persevere.

Last summer at a homeschool conference I attended Josh McDowell’s workshop on relational parenting.  His message struck a chord with me, and to this day I still refer to it from time to time.  There were so many important truths in his message, the main message of which was this:  “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.”  Too often, we parents set up rules of do’s and don’ts without building and sustaining meaningful relationships with our children.  When following rules becomes the main emphasis in the home, parents put themselves in a place where they’re unable to influence their children as they grow older because a meaningful relationship hasn’t been established.  After listening to this message, I was forced to examine my parenting philosophy and practices to ensure that I’m always building a meaningful relationship with my children and not merely setting up rules for them to follow.  To clarify, McDowell wasn’t implying that we shouldn’t set up rules at all.  Rather, he’s emphasizing how critical it is that relationship serve as the foundation for any rules we might establish.

Of late one of my kids seemed more disobedient than usual and every time an offense was committed, he seemed indignant and unteachable.  I was a bit baffled by this new development.  I revisited McDowell’s message and came to the realization that with so much busyness in life, we were failing to connect with him relationally.  We can only guess how he was feeling.  Perhaps he was feeling unimportant or that we don’t care as much anymore.  Or that all we cared about was whether he conformed to our rules — and in his childlike way, was reacting out of a sense of emotional distance and isolation.  I really don’t know for sure, but I do know that he needs our attention, affection, love, and a pair of ears to listen.  We changed our course of action and sought ways to relate to him.

We noticed a positive change after several days of intentional relationship building.  It was absolutely sweet for my child to speak freely with us without any fear of judgment or condemnation.  Just the other day this child came to me and said, “Mommy, you and daddy are the best!”  I was taken back by his proclamation that I didn’t respond right away.  He immediately repeated his proclamation to make sure I hear it second time around.  My heart was full of joy.  He’s also since taken to spontaneously expressing his love to myself or my husband at random occasions.

As I reflect on our recent circumstances and resolution, I am grateful to God that we were able to remedy the situation.  Even though we know what kind of family life we want to foster, we fall off the horse from time to time.  It was a bit surprising for me because all along I thought we were moving along just fine.  It can be devastating, disappointing, or heart breaking when we fall off the horse, but regardless, we need to get back on the horse and move in the right direction.  Part of this is doing periodic checkups with one another as parents, and in less direct ways with our children, to see if we’re staying true to our original course: building meaningful relationships with our children that are meant to last a lifetime!

As I trudge through this parenting journey, I’m learning and discovering ideas and tips that enable us to be better parents, and I want to share with you in an upcoming relational parenting series. Stay tuned!