Fishmama is doing a mothering series for the next two weeks, and today she features a guest blog by yours truly about managing and loving the little people.

Recently I listened to the “Mothers and Sons” audio from Sovereign Grace Ministries, featuring Janis Shank and Charlotte Richardson. This was a very encouraging message to listen because I needed to hear these two older women’s advice. In a way they provided a glimpse of what is to come should the training of my sons remain faithful.

There were six themes to this talk:

Cherishing

Moms are encouraged to cherish their boys even through their rambunctiousness and boyishness. Our boys are boys, thus, they are not like us so we ought to resist the temptation to have them do things the way we want them to. We also need to allow room for noises, messes, competition, loudness, and roughness. In addition to this, moms need to cultivate affection in various forms for their boys. Our sons will have wives and they need to give affection that they have received from us.

Teaching

Even though moms are their boys’ primary teachers during the early years, there should be a transfer of training from moms to dads at some point. Teaching boys the gospel is of the utmost importance. What follows is the teaching on Biblical womanhood and manhood. Much of how our boys learn is through our personal examples, and this should encourage mothers to live godly and cross-centered lives as our boys are constantly watching and observing us.

Importance of Prioritizing Fathers

Mothers need to do everything they can to help build a father and son’s relationship. We also need to regularly ask our husbands how we can better train our boys in order to foster a healthy and better father-and-son relationship.

Communication

How mothers communicate with their sons should be motivated by kindness. One of the ways of communication is through encouragement. A good test of whether we’re finding ways to encourage them is to ask the question: “Is your son more aware of what you appreciate about him than what he needs to work on?”

In general, sons are not good communicators and moms should make it a point to learn how to draw them out beyond typical one-word-answers. We should also cultivate the skill of asking questions and listening to them whenever they are ready to talk.

Preparing

Mothers need to prepare their sons from boyhood to adulthood by teaching them what Biblical masculinity and femininity look like. Teach them what to look for in a wife as well as teaching them practical skills such as cooking, time management, clothing care, etc.

Releasing of Our Sons

The final part of raising sons is releasing them. They are to leave and cleave. Even though this process is hard on mothers, we are to release them so that they can cleave to their wives as mandated by God.

Personal Thoughts

I am at the very beginning of raising sons as my oldest is only 5.5 years old. It is good to be reminded that I need to allow my boys to simply be boys, even in all their boyishness. Stifling this very fiber of them is not conducive to relationship building. Many times I want them to behave the way I want them to behave, forgetting that I am not like them.

Even though I already know that how my boys learn about the gospel and the attractiveness of it largely depends on my personal example, I often forget to live it out. Sin gets in the way as well, which means I need to be even more vigilant in keeping my own heart as well as my boys’.

When it comes to encouraging my boys, the question “Is your son more aware of what you appreciate about him than what he needs to work on?” captured my attention. How easy it is to always want them to be better at this or work on this or that. Letting them know what they have done right or excellent should be more readily dispensed. It is not that I don’t encourage at all, rather, I tend to press the issue of what they need to work on more than what they have done right.

One of the things I like and dislike at the same time on having children is how they act just like me. I like it because it is so funny when they act out my idiosyncrasies. I dislike it because they act out my unrefined moments as well. They are my personal mirrors and they often reflect my current mood. I know how I’m doing personally when I look at how my children act and behave. Sadly, I haven’t been very patient, loving, and kind towards my children recently. Having children is such a refining and sanctifying experience because I get immediate feedback when I am sinning. Such immediate feedback are not normally present when interacting with adults. Even when we behave badly, most of our friends are patient, and are not quick to point out our follies or to be too forthright about it. Children, however, by their tendency to mirror our actions, tend to show us (if we are willing to see) exactly where our faults are - in “real time.” I am humbled. Even though I don’t like my current reflection, it drives me to repentance and hopes for a better tomorrow. His mercies are sufficient for each day’s toil and this is what I rely upon.

When our five-year-old woke up this morning he told his Dad that he was going to try his best not to hurt his brother’s heart. By this he meant he was not going to take his brother’s toys, or cause distress, or hurt him in any way. His dad carefully explained what his promise entailed, and reminded him how he needs God’s help to truly bless his brother.

Unsurprisingly, he was unable to keep this promise for long. Only two hours later, he caused his brother to cry by grabbing away one of the toys his brother was playing with.

My response? I got really upset because everything was going fine and dandy until I had to step away for a mere minute to change his sister’s diaper. That one minute of unsupervised play was when my five-year-old committed the deed.

In the process of disciplining him (with me still steaming inside at his nerve!), I sat him down on a chair to further discuss what happened. I reminded him of the promise he made this morning by not wanting to hurt his brother, yet he went on to hurt him anyway shortly thereafter. I explained that I was perplexed why the disconnect between his promise and his actions. He had set out to do what was right, but his actions did not match up. In my frustration, I asked him why he did what he did. “Why the inconsistency?!” I demanded.

He looked down with shame and sadness and answered softly, “Because I’m a sinner.”

I was so struck by his answer. I certainly didn’t expect it. It was apparent that he understood his own sin nature and could properly relate his sinful state to his actions. This was the moment I calmed down and began to speak more softly to him. Matthew’s brokenness led me to see my own sin in how I was dealing with him. I had sinned against him by being impatient and angry.

Parenting is definitely difficult and extremely soul-searching. Often, the very thing we want to correct in our children’s character or behavior is the very thing we need to deal with in our own lives. One of the struggles I have in parenting is dealing with my own anger. It is far too easy to become irritated, frustrated, and angry, especially when your child commits the same sin for the umptieth time. However, I know that God desires holiness in me, and, in fact, parenting is one of the primary means he wants to use in my life to this end. Even as I yearn to teach my children daily how to be obedient, kind, and loving; I am learning to see how the Lord wants to do the same in my life as their mother, as a child of God.

As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17

On many occasions people tell me that the reason they only have one or two kids is because they’re just not a natural or good at parenting. When they find out that I have four children or (for example) that I make clothes for my children, the comment I typically get is, “I can’t do what you do. I’m just not good with kids.” It seems that there’s a perception that some have a natural talent for mothering. I’ve wondered about this idea for some time. Is there a natural talent at being a good parent? Is there not also some personal effort involved in addition to whatever “natural talent” exists? These are just some of the questions that have run through my mind.

We often hear that so-and-so is good with kids or that this person is a natural with children because he knows how children think and play. I do believe some people are just good with kids and they really know how to make kids laugh and giggle. We often see kids flock to such people. So, yes, there seems to be a natural ability. I know people like that. They are magnets to children and they revel in that. As for me, I don’t think I belong in this category.

But, assuming there is such a thing as a “gifting” or natural inclination toward those traits that children flock to, how necessary is such a gift toward faithful parenting? As a comparison, no one would deny that Wolfgang Mozart was a gifted music composer, writing all of his over 600 compositions before his untimely death at age 35. And Yo-Yo Ma is an amazingly talented cellist, able to perform a diverse spectrum pieces with great skill and beauty. But does their special degree of talent mean that none of us “normal folks” should ever attempt to be a musician? I think the answer is clear: invoking the “I’m no Mozart” defense holds no weight with piano teachers, and invoking the “I’m not good with kids” defense should have little weight in determining how (or whether) we parent.

I do not possess a natural ability in parenting or being a mom. What then? I work at it, and I work hard. Both my husband and I are readers and when we want to know something, we read and read. We also interact with families where we get hands-on experience with children. When we were first married, we knew our priorities and after orienting ourselves accordingly, we worked at achieving and maintaining those priorities. One of the priorities was having me stay home with our children and living solely on my husband’s income. Two months prior to my son’s birth, I quit a job that I loved. I didn’t regret it nor lament it because the decision to stay home with my baby had already been decided. I considered the privilege of raising my own children a priority and a high calling from God. Thus, in many ways, by hard work and commitment and a love for my children, I’ve come to a place in life where observers often comment — sometimes after reading this blog — what a “natural” I am at being a mother! The truth is, you could say, I became a “natural.”

With this God-given role and the daunting task of shaping my children’s souls, I take my responsibility seriously. I spend a lot of time studying and researching about children and how I can be an effective and godly mother to my own. I spend a lot of time interacting with my children and teaching them. Recently I was asked how I’m so knowledgeable about children, homemaking, and homeschooling. The answer was simple: I work at it!

For those who think that they don’t have a natural ability in parenting, the honest truth is, few of us are “Mozarts” in this calling. But God has promised to supply, through His Word and His people, the means to become an excellent parent. If you are a parent, God has placed you in this specific role. Look to Him to provide, and apply yourself to the best of your ability. What the missionary pioneer William Carey famously said applies to parenting as much as anything else in life:

Expect great things from God;
Attempt great things for God.

Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Parenting makes the astute observation that when trials come our way, they come in bundles, meaning they come one after another tenaciously. I certainly have experienced this in my life when it comes to parenting. I often question why this is so. Why another trial? I just went through one painful one. My soul can’t handle another one, yet this is what God has prescribed.

I have a dear friend who is going through immense trials right now. Seems like every time I hear from her, something drastic has happened. Her life right now is like a huge tidal wave that comes relentlessly one after another. What do I say to her? How would I encourage her?

Thomas has some words of encouragement. He explains that the way to become mature and complete in God is through perseverance, which enables us to bear fruit.

There’s only one way to develop perseverance: We have to surrender to God as we feel pushed past the human breaking point. We have to reach the threshold of exhaustion, and then get pushed even further. One trial can help us deal with fear. Two trials can lead to wisdom. But perseverance? That takes a bundle of difficulties. All of which means that parenting extremely demanding children feeds a spiritual need in our soul - to participate in the crucial discipline of perseverance on which our fruitfulness as believers depends.

What’s neat is that perseverance is not the end goal.  God wants us not merely to have calloused souls, which can stand up to a lot.  He wants to give us hope and joy:

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope (Romans 5:3-4)

Trials in bundles are not meaningless nor are they random. They have been divinely appointed by a loving God who wants to give us hope and joy in His kind and rich providence!

The amount of work I do everyday for the little people can hamper my daily enjoyment of each child. I have heard from friends and strangers telling me, “Enjoy them while they’re young because they grow up very quickly.” This saying has become more and more prevalent in my life. Several weeks ago when I was out with all four kids, a stranger walked up and said, “Wow. . . you have your hands full. You sure are brave to be out with all of them. Enjoy them while they’re young.” This incident reminded me of a conversation I had with an older mom several years ago. This mom exhorted me to enjoy my little children, and she later confessed that she didn’t when her children were young. By the time she learned this lesson, her children were already grown. When she told me this, she had a bit of sadness on her face and some regrets as well.

Despite my busyness and occasional frustrations, I can honestly say that I do enjoy being with my children everyday. I revel in their uniqueness and their idiosyncrasies. Each one is special and each one has his/her peculiarity that tugs at my heart. I try to get on the floor with them and simply be silly. The way to my boys’ hearts is through chasing them around the house. Even though we have a no running in the house rule, I make an exceptions: only when mommy or daddy is the one who does the chasing. Their giggles and roaring laughters make my heart melt. On occasions when it is possible, I like to take just one child out on an errand. Even though going to a grocery store might seem quite mundane, it is very special for that particular child because he/she gets to spend individual time with mommy. I also love that individual time as well because it allows me to enjoy and appreciate that child’s special gifts without the distraction of the other children.

I know that moms of many children are often overwhelmed by sheer amount of work that taking the time to enjoy the children is secondary. The saying is true, “Enjoy them while they’re young because they grow up fast.” Just remember this and appreciate the children. A dose of laughter is good for a tired mama too.