I’ve been having a hard time of late.  The children’s constant attention and needs are very demanding so I was released from my motherly duties for two hours yesterday afternoon.  My hubby came home earlier from work and volunteered to watch the kids.  So. . . where did a mother of five go when she had two free hours to spare. . . . ALONE?

I went to a local coffee shop to read.  I sipped coffee and read an interesting book on adoption. . . . . ALONE.

After some time I got hungry so I walked next door to a Greek restaurant to eat some Greek food and watch a little bit of Greek music videos. . . . ALONE.

Even though I don’t understand any of the spoken words since “it’s all Greek to me,” (please. . . laugh with me.  It’s a pun)  Greek music videos are as ridiculous as American ones.  After a while it was just funny to me.  By the way, did I mention that I was all ALONE?

Finally my ALONE time was up because I needed to return home to nurse my four-month-old.

When I finally got home, I was surprised to see two good friends having dinner with my family.  After the children went to bed, we had a good time chatting and catching up with life.

I really needed that break and it was indeed refreshing to be able to go out all ALONE. I think I can make a habit of this time ALONE.

Recently quite a few people have asked me how I do it with five kids.  Many were surprised that I don’t have a nanny or any other kind of hired help.  It’s just me, myself, and I taking care of the kids (and me).   Some go as far as saying I’m a “Super Mom.”  Such a title immediately catapults my mind to thinking that I really gotta make a superhero outfit for myself.  I’d love to be Mrs. Incredible/Elastigirl.

In reality, I’m no super mom, and even though I secretly envy Elastigirl’s superhero abilities, I’m indeed human.  Just a regular Joe (er, Jane).  At times I just don’t know how to answer the question because I simply do it.  Yes, I have five kids and I just do what needs to be done managing a household.  Such an answer is not helpful for people who are truly seeking for advice, encouragement, and tips.

It dawned on me the other day that I do have at least one tip to offer for those who truly want to know how I do it with five.  The tip is: Train your kids to sit still.

While I was making dinner the other day, the kids were wild.  They were running about, bickering, crying, and the whole nine yards.  It was difficult to get dinner going if I have to stop now and then to referee.  Then I had a light bulb moment.  I could have the kids sit in the kitchen to listen to a story on tape (or iTunes in our case) while I cooked.  With that I was finally able to make dinner and have the kids reined in.  On top of that, the kids got to hear a nice story from our favorite storyteller Jim Weiss.

To show you what it looks like in our house, here is a picture of the kids sitting in the kitchen listening to a story:

The reason I could have the kids sit and listen to a story that day with a simple command was because I had already trained them to sit still previously.  I wrote about such training two and half years ago:

When my oldest was 15 months old, I started training him to sit still. I placed him in a regular chair or a highchair. I then set a timer for five minutes. He was required to sit and not come down. Whenever he tried to come down, I told him “no” and then placed him back in the chair. I did this everyday and as he got better, I increased the time to 10 minutes. Slowly and surely we worked up to 30 minutes. Eventually we transitioned into listening to a sermon together every morning, and this lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to one hour.

(To read more, click here)

The reason I have the kids in the kitchen with me and not in a different room is that if a quarrel breaks out, which occurs more often than not, I am right there to address the problem.  I know that some people use their TV as a babysitter so they can do other things.  I find that letting kids watch TV while I make dinner actually gets them more wild.  After all, they had just spent the last hour being entertained.  On top of that, when it is time to turn off the TV so they can come to the dinner table, it is inevitable that at least one of them whines and cries because they still want to watch.  Having the children sit and listen to a story engages their minds actively, which is quite different from TV watching.

So there you are.  Weapon #1 in Lois “Elastigirl” Ding’s arsonnel.  Stay tuned for next time when I share how to morph into a parachute.

Fishmama is doing a mothering series for the next two weeks, and today she features a guest blog by yours truly about managing and loving the little people.

Recently I listened to the “Mothers and Sons” audio from Sovereign Grace Ministries, featuring Janis Shank and Charlotte Richardson. This was a very encouraging message to listen because I needed to hear these two older women’s advice. In a way they provided a glimpse of what is to come should the training of my sons remain faithful.

There were six themes to this talk:

Cherishing

Moms are encouraged to cherish their boys even through their rambunctiousness and boyishness. Our boys are boys, thus, they are not like us so we ought to resist the temptation to have them do things the way we want them to. We also need to allow room for noises, messes, competition, loudness, and roughness. In addition to this, moms need to cultivate affection in various forms for their boys. Our sons will have wives and they need to give affection that they have received from us.

Teaching

Even though moms are their boys’ primary teachers during the early years, there should be a transfer of training from moms to dads at some point. Teaching boys the gospel is of the utmost importance. What follows is the teaching on Biblical womanhood and manhood. Much of how our boys learn is through our personal examples, and this should encourage mothers to live godly and cross-centered lives as our boys are constantly watching and observing us.

Importance of Prioritizing Fathers

Mothers need to do everything they can to help build a father and son’s relationship. We also need to regularly ask our husbands how we can better train our boys in order to foster a healthy and better father-and-son relationship.

Communication

How mothers communicate with their sons should be motivated by kindness. One of the ways of communication is through encouragement. A good test of whether we’re finding ways to encourage them is to ask the question: “Is your son more aware of what you appreciate about him than what he needs to work on?”

In general, sons are not good communicators and moms should make it a point to learn how to draw them out beyond typical one-word-answers. We should also cultivate the skill of asking questions and listening to them whenever they are ready to talk.

Preparing

Mothers need to prepare their sons from boyhood to adulthood by teaching them what Biblical masculinity and femininity look like. Teach them what to look for in a wife as well as teaching them practical skills such as cooking, time management, clothing care, etc.

Releasing of Our Sons

The final part of raising sons is releasing them. They are to leave and cleave. Even though this process is hard on mothers, we are to release them so that they can cleave to their wives as mandated by God.

Personal Thoughts

I am at the very beginning of raising sons as my oldest is only 5.5 years old. It is good to be reminded that I need to allow my boys to simply be boys, even in all their boyishness. Stifling this very fiber of them is not conducive to relationship building. Many times I want them to behave the way I want them to behave, forgetting that I am not like them.

Even though I already know that how my boys learn about the gospel and the attractiveness of it largely depends on my personal example, I often forget to live it out. Sin gets in the way as well, which means I need to be even more vigilant in keeping my own heart as well as my boys’.

When it comes to encouraging my boys, the question “Is your son more aware of what you appreciate about him than what he needs to work on?” captured my attention. How easy it is to always want them to be better at this or work on this or that. Letting them know what they have done right or excellent should be more readily dispensed. It is not that I don’t encourage at all, rather, I tend to press the issue of what they need to work on more than what they have done right.

One of the things I like and dislike at the same time on having children is how they act just like me. I like it because it is so funny when they act out my idiosyncrasies. I dislike it because they act out my unrefined moments as well. They are my personal mirrors and they often reflect my current mood. I know how I’m doing personally when I look at how my children act and behave. Sadly, I haven’t been very patient, loving, and kind towards my children recently. Having children is such a refining and sanctifying experience because I get immediate feedback when I am sinning. Such immediate feedback are not normally present when interacting with adults. Even when we behave badly, most of our friends are patient, and are not quick to point out our follies or to be too forthright about it. Children, however, by their tendency to mirror our actions, tend to show us (if we are willing to see) exactly where our faults are – in “real time.” I am humbled. Even though I don’t like my current reflection, it drives me to repentance and hopes for a better tomorrow. His mercies are sufficient for each day’s toil and this is what I rely upon.

When our five-year-old woke up this morning he told his Dad that he was going to try his best not to hurt his brother’s heart. By this he meant he was not going to take his brother’s toys, or cause distress, or hurt him in any way. His dad carefully explained what his promise entailed, and reminded him how he needs God’s help to truly bless his brother.

Unsurprisingly, he was unable to keep this promise for long. Only two hours later, he caused his brother to cry by grabbing away one of the toys his brother was playing with.

My response? I got really upset because everything was going fine and dandy until I had to step away for a mere minute to change his sister’s diaper. That one minute of unsupervised play was when my five-year-old committed the deed.

In the process of disciplining him (with me still steaming inside at his nerve!), I sat him down on a chair to further discuss what happened. I reminded him of the promise he made this morning by not wanting to hurt his brother, yet he went on to hurt him anyway shortly thereafter. I explained that I was perplexed why the disconnect between his promise and his actions. He had set out to do what was right, but his actions did not match up. In my frustration, I asked him why he did what he did. “Why the inconsistency?!” I demanded.

He looked down with shame and sadness and answered softly, “Because I’m a sinner.”

I was so struck by his answer. I certainly didn’t expect it. It was apparent that he understood his own sin nature and could properly relate his sinful state to his actions. This was the moment I calmed down and began to speak more softly to him. Matthew’s brokenness led me to see my own sin in how I was dealing with him. I had sinned against him by being impatient and angry.

Parenting is definitely difficult and extremely soul-searching. Often, the very thing we want to correct in our children’s character or behavior is the very thing we need to deal with in our own lives. One of the struggles I have in parenting is dealing with my own anger. It is far too easy to become irritated, frustrated, and angry, especially when your child commits the same sin for the umptieth time. However, I know that God desires holiness in me, and, in fact, parenting is one of the primary means he wants to use in my life to this end. Even as I yearn to teach my children daily how to be obedient, kind, and loving; I am learning to see how the Lord wants to do the same in my life as their mother, as a child of God.

As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17

On many occasions people tell me that the reason they only have one or two kids is because they’re just not a natural or good at parenting. When they find out that I have four children or (for example) that I make clothes for my children, the comment I typically get is, “I can’t do what you do. I’m just not good with kids.” It seems that there’s a perception that some have a natural talent for mothering. I’ve wondered about this idea for some time. Is there a natural talent at being a good parent? Is there not also some personal effort involved in addition to whatever “natural talent” exists? These are just some of the questions that have run through my mind.

We often hear that so-and-so is good with kids or that this person is a natural with children because he knows how children think and play. I do believe some people are just good with kids and they really know how to make kids laugh and giggle. We often see kids flock to such people. So, yes, there seems to be a natural ability. I know people like that. They are magnets to children and they revel in that. As for me, I don’t think I belong in this category.

But, assuming there is such a thing as a “gifting” or natural inclination toward those traits that children flock to, how necessary is such a gift toward faithful parenting? As a comparison, no one would deny that Wolfgang Mozart was a gifted music composer, writing all of his over 600 compositions before his untimely death at age 35. And Yo-Yo Ma is an amazingly talented cellist, able to perform a diverse spectrum pieces with great skill and beauty. But does their special degree of talent mean that none of us “normal folks” should ever attempt to be a musician? I think the answer is clear: invoking the “I’m no Mozart” defense holds no weight with piano teachers, and invoking the “I’m not good with kids” defense should have little weight in determining how (or whether) we parent.

I do not possess a natural ability in parenting or being a mom. What then? I work at it, and I work hard. Both my husband and I are readers and when we want to know something, we read and read. We also interact with families where we get hands-on experience with children. When we were first married, we knew our priorities and after orienting ourselves accordingly, we worked at achieving and maintaining those priorities. One of the priorities was having me stay home with our children and living solely on my husband’s income. Two months prior to my son’s birth, I quit a job that I loved. I didn’t regret it nor lament it because the decision to stay home with my baby had already been decided. I considered the privilege of raising my own children a priority and a high calling from God. Thus, in many ways, by hard work and commitment and a love for my children, I’ve come to a place in life where observers often comment — sometimes after reading this blog — what a “natural” I am at being a mother! The truth is, you could say, I became a “natural.”

With this God-given role and the daunting task of shaping my children’s souls, I take my responsibility seriously. I spend a lot of time studying and researching about children and how I can be an effective and godly mother to my own. I spend a lot of time interacting with my children and teaching them. Recently I was asked how I’m so knowledgeable about children, homemaking, and homeschooling. The answer was simple: I work at it!

For those who think that they don’t have a natural ability in parenting, the honest truth is, few of us are “Mozarts” in this calling. But God has promised to supply, through His Word and His people, the means to become an excellent parent. If you are a parent, God has placed you in this specific role. Look to Him to provide, and apply yourself to the best of your ability. What the missionary pioneer William Carey famously said applies to parenting as much as anything else in life:

Expect great things from God;
Attempt great things for God.