As I indicated in my Relational Parenting post, I’ll be sharing some of the tips I’ve learned and discovered for building a lifelong relationship with my children.  Obviously, I speak as one who’s still on the parenting journey, not as one who has arrived.  So if you have any additional suggestions, that’s what comments are for! =-)

Recently, one of my kids told me that he was afraid of telling me what he truly thought or felt for the fear that I might get upset. When I heard that, I was rather surprised because I thought I had always been approachable and assumed that my children could come to me for anything. Apparently this wasn’t the case. After much conversing, I realized that I was approachable in good times, but not so much in bad times.

So, what happened along the way? As the children get older, our relationship with them changes. We move from a person of authority to a person of influence. Rather than telling them what they need to do while they are young, we become someone who influences them to act in a way that’s pleasing to God when they are older.

We as parents need to develop “thick skin” and encourage the children to come to us for ANYTHING.  I told my children that I want them to tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly with no condemnation nor judgment.  I will hear anything they want to tell me without getting upset.  They need to feel that they can tell us anything.  I said “feel” because often times they don’t really understand all the thoughts that they have, but they know what they feel.  Their feelings may not be precise or even pinpoint their exact emotion, but they know in general whether they feel safe or not safe, secure or not secure, loved or not loved, heard or not heard, etc.  Therefore, we should create an environment where they feel safe and loved to come to us.

Parents, be aware that we might get hurt or disappointed by what the children have to say.  This isn’t easy.  Our face may twitch, our heart may sink, and our mouth may want to quickly defend ourselves, but we should learn to listen and absorb all that they have to say no matter how inaccurate their description may be.  We may have to endure verbal assaults, character assassination, wrongful accusation, etc.  But I firmly believe that if we strive to create a friendly and safe environment for our children while they’re young, they will be careful not to hurl verbal assaults on us when they are older.

I believe frequent communication is the key.  We need to keep asking them how they’re doing and how we’re doing as parents.  I’m tempted on occasions to just rush through things for efficiency’s sake, but this isn’t conducive for forging a meaningful relationship.  It takes time to talk and work through things.  We should be patient and persevere.