Last summer at a homeschool conference I attended Josh McDowell’s workshop on relational parenting.  His message struck a chord with me, and to this day I still refer to it from time to time.  There were so many important truths in his message, the main message of which was this:  “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.”  Too often, we parents set up rules of do’s and don’ts without building and sustaining meaningful relationships with our children.  When following rules becomes the main emphasis in the home, parents put themselves in a place where they’re unable to influence their children as they grow older because a meaningful relationship hasn’t been established.  After listening to this message, I was forced to examine my parenting philosophy and practices to ensure that I’m always building a meaningful relationship with my children and not merely setting up rules for them to follow.  To clarify, McDowell wasn’t implying that we shouldn’t set up rules at all.  Rather, he’s emphasizing how critical it is that relationship serve as the foundation for any rules we might establish.

Of late one of my kids seemed more disobedient than usual and every time an offense was committed, he seemed indignant and unteachable.  I was a bit baffled by this new development.  I revisited McDowell’s message and came to the realization that with so much busyness in life, we were failing to connect with him relationally.  We can only guess how he was feeling.  Perhaps he was feeling unimportant or that we don’t care as much anymore.  Or that all we cared about was whether he conformed to our rules — and in his childlike way, was reacting out of a sense of emotional distance and isolation.  I really don’t know for sure, but I do know that he needs our attention, affection, love, and a pair of ears to listen.  We changed our course of action and sought ways to relate to him.

We noticed a positive change after several days of intentional relationship building.  It was absolutely sweet for my child to speak freely with us without any fear of judgment or condemnation.  Just the other day this child came to me and said, “Mommy, you and daddy are the best!”  I was taken back by his proclamation that I didn’t respond right away.  He immediately repeated his proclamation to make sure I hear it second time around.  My heart was full of joy.  He’s also since taken to spontaneously expressing his love to myself or my husband at random occasions.

As I reflect on our recent circumstances and resolution, I am grateful to God that we were able to remedy the situation.  Even though we know what kind of family life we want to foster, we fall off the horse from time to time.  It was a bit surprising for me because all along I thought we were moving along just fine.  It can be devastating, disappointing, or heart breaking when we fall off the horse, but regardless, we need to get back on the horse and move in the right direction.  Part of this is doing periodic checkups with one another as parents, and in less direct ways with our children, to see if we’re staying true to our original course: building meaningful relationships with our children that are meant to last a lifetime!

As I trudge through this parenting journey, I’m learning and discovering ideas and tips that enable us to be better parents, and I want to share with you in an upcoming relational parenting series. Stay tuned!