Our “artist in residence” takes great pleasure when his math worksheets tell him to draw out a word problem.

For most of us, if given a problem such as “Jimmy has an apple, Annie has an apple, how many apples do they have?” and then asked to draw it out, we’d come up with a picture of two apples with maybe a plus symbol between them.

Not so with our 5.5yo boy, who can take 10 minutes not simply to depict the math, but the entire scene:

After he drew the above, I asked him, “Where are the dimes?!!”

He simply pointed at the very small little rectangles (3 on “Weston’s” table, and 2 in his sister’s hand).

Hilarious.

A few days ago, I posted about an article in Leadership Journal which asked the question, “Is the era of age segmentation over [in the church]?”

The article raised a number of very important questions, and raised concerns about the prevailing model of “youth ministry” which by and large relies upon professionals (e.g., youth pastors) and ministries/programs for the discipleship of young people in the church.  To the degree such a mainstream journal (published by Christianity Today) strongly advocated the increase of multi-generational discipleship, and encouraged adults in the church to befriend youth; it was a refreshing and helpful article.

Voddie Baucham Ministries recently published a response by Matthew Hudson to the article.  The author takes a few moments to offer praise where praise is due, giving credit to where the underlying researchers have brought out crucial insights.  For example:

A particular strength of the interview is the recognition of the value of multi-generational life and conversation. Dr. Powell frequently cites examples of the value of encouraging teens to take part in the larger community. The kind of relationships commended in Titus 2 are encouraged and lauded in story after story of parents, pastors, and church members being encouraged for the first time to make a more intentional investment in the lives of teens.

And:

Another highlight is the encouragement to have high expectations of young adults. Through their study, they discerned that one thing that even students themselves recognize is missing in modern youth ministry is serious thought and deep discussion. Instead, games have too high a priority for many student ministries.

However, Hudson considers where the researchers may have fallen short, and it is a crucial area:

Yet, while they were laboring to answer these critical questions, there was one question they never asked. Not once was it asked whether or not God has had anything to say about how and by whom the discipleship of the next generation should take place.

While this may seem harsh, or nitpicky, I think this consideration is critical.  Even as the researchers thought about better ways to disciple children, much of their conclusions seem to be drawn on “what works” (pragmatism) rather than what God’s Word has to say about ministering across generations.  Conspicuously absent from the article is any reference to Scripture, and in particular Titus 2:3-6 in its clear implications on multi-generational discipleship:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled.

If we are to respond to the “crisis” among youth, and to do so in a Biblical fashion,with Hudson I’d agree that there’s something amiss if all we are advocating is pragmatic ways to get a message across.  What if, for example, multi-generational ministry weren’t demonstrably more effective?  Would Dr. Powell still be an advocate?  Wasn’t the current trend in very activity-oriented, peer-centered children/youth ministry driven by the exact same fundamental philosophy of pragmatism than Scriptural direction?

To take it a step further, even if we “happen” to start involving other generations in the discipleship of our youth — how can we be certain that we are discipling them in the right direction?  Again, apart from the divine guidance of Titus 2, how likely are we to think that discipling young teenage girls means  preparing them to be young women who are “to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands?”  I think the answer is fairly clear.  Far more likely is trying to teach young women to be strong in Bible knowledge (good), faithful witnesses (good), and yet completely devoid of instruction in the primary sphere of most of these women just 10-15 years later, and for the remainder of their lives!

Hudson also raises another important absent from Powell’s conclusions:

One of the most interesting responses was to the question, “What is the parents’ role in this intergenerational vision?”.  The answer given was noticeably missing any reference to the biblical role of a father as the primary discipler of his children. There was no biblical vision, no real hope. Instead, Powell suggests parents should simply talk more with their kids about church, with the new research suggesting letting the kids talk first. Talking more is a great first step, no question. But, someone needs to own the responsibility for instructing and training these young adults–for casting a great big vision of a great big God to them! I submit that the scriptures name that person. (cf. Dt. 6, Ps. 78, 127, 128, Proverbs, Isa. 61.9, Eph. 6, 2 Tm. 3.14-15)

As a father of five young children, I would absolutely echo this thought.  If parents, and especially fathers, are not undertaking great effort to disciple their children in the faith; then the best the church can offer is to overcome the negative effect of unfaithful parenting/fathering.  The most important element in rearing youth in the church to love Jesus, is parents who love Jesus and strive in every possible way to convey that love to their children!  Not merely restructing “youth ministry” in the church to accomodate and encourage multi-generational relationships.

I’d encourage you to read Hudson’s article in full.  He has valuable insights.  I find myself encouraged by the original article, don’t mistake my follow-up as cynical or critical.  But Hudson raises additional points that are important if believers are to see true lasting change in the church with respect to removing the barriers of age & life-stage segmentation in the church in order to fulfill God’s commands in Titus 2 and beyond.

I think sometimes we expect kids to know how to do tasks without properly training them.  We expect them to know how to sweep or vacuum the floor, clean the toilet, cook simple meals, wipe down the counter, do laundry, etc. when they reach a certain age.  After all, they’ve been watching us do these tasks day in and day out.  They really should know how to do all these things by now!!!

When I was working in the corporate world some years ago, we always talked about a high learning curve when a person starts a new job.  The idea is that when you first start a new job, you really don’t know what you’re doing.  You have to learn how the company operates, what’s the proper channel of personnel, specific tasks or job descriptions related to your project, and a new set of corporate jargon to be learned.   A new hire usually attends an orientation or a training session.  Typically for the first month or two, a new hire really isn’t an asset to the company.  It isn’t until he learns how everything works that he begins to contribute to the company.

Taking the corporate example, we have to have the same mindset when training our children to help out in the house or simply learn a new skill.  Remember, in the beginning there’s a high learning curve and it’s going to take time for your child to learn and perfect the skill.  I think there is a three-step approach to this.

Step 1: Observe and learn

Quite simply, the student is to observe how a task is done.  As a teacher, we need to be sure to talk through each step and explain it thoroughly.  When we perform a task over and over again ad infinitum, we simply do it without thinking about it because the task is so deeply ingrained.  Too often we expect our student to possess the same skill to the same degree without thinking that this may very well be their first time ever performing the task.  It is imperative that we keep on talking and explaining the specifics.

My husband adds this insight: how a person observes from a standing height of 4 ft. or less is drastically different from what they might see at an adult’s height.  So he recommends getting down to your child’s height to get a sense of what they are actually seeing, and how you might better teach and show them the task more effectively.

Step 2: Perform the task with supervision

After they’ve successfully observed and learned the new task, they are to do it with your supervision.  When it comes to actually doing the task, it is quite different from just observing it.  I find myself forgetting steps when I do a new task even though I thought I knew or remembered all the steps.  Having a supervisor to guide the student through each step is helpful.  When he errs, the mistake can be quickly corrected.  As a trainer, we need to be patient.  I know sometimes I’d rather take over and finish the task because it’d be lot faster and efficient.  If I do this, I wouldn’t have properly trained my child to do the task. Resist the temptation to take over, rather, instruct the child through each step.

Step 3: Perform the task without supervision

Having observed and performed the task successfully, the child is now ready to do the task without supervision.  Depending on the task and the child, steps 1 and 2 may be repeated several times before being able to do the task on his own.  Don’t have the expectation of only going through the steps once and expect the child to already know how to do the task on his own.

Honestly, these three steps aren’t rocket science nor are they an ancient secret.  These three steps came about as I interacted with my children on a daily basis.  I think it is important to note these steps because we often forget them and set improper expectations for our children.  So, next time you start getting frustrated over your children’s lack of progress, consider the aforementioned steps and evaluate whether you’ve properly led them through all the steps.

I came across this article at Leadership Journal titled, “Is the Era of Age Segmentation Over?”  So much of it echoes the thoughts of our hearts when it comes to intergenerational discipleship.  It is our desire to fight against deeply established (yet relatively novel) practices in the church of separating people in the church by age and interest; which fly in the face of Paul’s exhortations in Titus 2 for older men and women to teach and mentor younger ones.

For that matter, these are also some of the key principles that have led us to:

• choose homeschooling as a vehicle for both academics and discipleship, so our children can learn from our following of Jesus.
• invite young adults from our church to our home not just for conversation with us, but interaction with our children
• strive to build meaningful relationships with others in the church who aren’t in the same stage of life (parents of young children)
• share our lives, and not just “regular meeting times,” with those who are younger than we are and might benefit from what God has taught us about family life, marriage, etc.
• pursue, where possible, longstanding meaningful friendship with believers who are older than we are.

Here are some key excerpts from the article that resonate with me:

We’re also finding a relationship between teenagers serving younger kids and their faith maturity when they graduate from high school. Teens should not only be the objects of ministry; they need to be the subjects of ministry as well. It’s the 16 year old that has relationships with 66 year olds and 6 year olds who is more likely to stay involved in a faith community after she graduates.

… There’s a standard ratio in youth ministry: one adult for every five kids. My colleague here at Fuller, Chap Clark, says we need to reverse the ratio and strive for having five adults build into one kid.

When I say that to youth workers or pastors, they tense up. I’m not talking about five Bible study leaders or five small group leaders per teenager. I’m talking about five adults who care enough about a kid that they learn her name, ask her on Sunday how they can be praying for her, and then the following Sunday ask her, “How did it go with that science test?” Our study shows that even these baby step connections can make a real difference.

… Tenth graders study Shakespeare. What are we offering them at church? Nothing comparable to Shakespeare.

… If adults in a church caught a vision that every kid needs to have their name known by five adults in the church, then an adult who’s interested in computers can connect with a teen who is interested in computers. And it’s through things like service that we get to know each other and can follow up later to deepen the relationship.

… one of our more interesting findings is that it’s also very important for parents to share about their own spiritual journeys with kids. Teenagers don’t know how their parents came to know Jesus.

Read the whole article.  Lots of good encouragements and ideas.

I’ve been reading Jerry Bridges’ book Discipline of Grace with several men from church, and have been encouraged by the frequent recounting of the glories of the gospel.  Bridges emphasizes over and over the importance of living by grace and not merely by performance.  In other words, he argues that the pursuit of holiness must be rooted in God’s grace, and not in a desire to somehow gain his acceptance by our performance.  To sum this up, Bridges reminds the reader to “preach the gospel to yourself” every day.

This evening, as I was re-reading the chapter titled, “Disciplined by Grace,” I came across his contrast of the importance of grace-based pursuit of holiness to the way that children are often raised, to feel as if their acceptance is somehow dependent upon their performance (in school, in good behavior, etc.).

And suddenly it was like a light bulb went on in my head!

Why did this resonate so?  Well, in particular, I’ve been listening to a talk by Josh McDowell recently delivered at a homeschool conference on the subject of relational parenting.  And at the heart of his talk is this principle: “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.”  And over and over in his talk, he emphasized the critical importance of delighting in our children, and expressing that delight to them, independent of and even in the face of their shortcomings.   For example, he would say to his children, “I know you really wanted to [succeed].  And you gave it your all, and fell short.  But I want you to know that I love you.  And that will never be because of anything you do, but because you are made in the image of God, of infinite value and dignity.  And that will never change.”

He added that if we fail to regularly delight in them and don’t consistently accept them and love them independent of what they do, then even Biblically-performed discipline will lead to rebellion.  On the other hand, a child who is constantly reminded of his parents’ constant love, delight and joy in will be one who will delight to please his parents, and one in whom discipline will actually have its desired effect.

As I read Bridges’ parallel to parenting, I suddenly realized that the very point McDowell was making — the need to openly delight in and affirm our children unconditionally — is exactly how God delights in His children (us!) in the gospel.  And that’s exactly why we need to preach the gospel to ourselves every day.  Because the gospel is God’s way of expressing His delight toward us as a parent, when we regularly recall the gospel reality that God loves us not because of anything we might do, we will delight to serve Him.  Not out of enslaving performance-orientation, or self-justifying legalism; but out of a joyful relationship with Him by virtue of the realities of the gospel.  In other words, just as my child will delight to honor me if I delight in him, so too we will delight in pursuing holiness when we realize that God delights in us because of Christ’s work on our behalf!

This was an epiphany.  For so long, I’d heard this idea of preaching the gospel to oneself, and agreed in principle.  But it was just something of an intuitive leap to figure out how preaching the gospel transformed the way in which we pursue holiness.  It was this final connection to my need as a parent to daily express my love and delight for my children – independent of anything they had done or could ever do — that opened my eyes to that very same love and delight God has for us because of our union with Christ.  And through that, I think I’ve finally grasped why the gospel must be central to our pursuit of holiness.  It’s the only way that the discipline and pursuit of holiness will be delight and not drudgery.

And they say theology is just heady stuff.  Far be it.  Not only has the reality of the gospel shaped how I might serve the God who made me; but, Lord willing, it will shape the way in which I love my own children.   Even as I preach the gospel to myself for the sake of my sanctification, it paves the way for me to practice “gospel delight” in parenting.

In my previous School: Sitting is Optional post, I talked about making sitting during school as optional due to my boys’ active nature.  Thus far we still hold true to this sitting option.  Here’s the proof from yesterday:

The older one decided to work UNDER the table while the younger one decided to stand.  We still have the chairs, but they don’t get used often.  Unless you count draping blankets and forming tents during playtime.   I’m still holding out hope for the girls to use them.