We continue with part three of the relationship series. In this post we will talk about how a man should approach dating and relationships.

When is it appropriate to start dating?

The problem with most guys — as early as middle or high school — is that they simply rely on their “hormones,” take a cue from the world, and when a girl catches their eye, they start moving, even if they don’t know where they’re going!

There is a significant problem with this approach to dating & relationships.  Before you start on a trip, you really should know where you’re planning on going!  And you’d best be prepared for the journey.

Yet many young men (or should I say boys?) ask girls out, with no real thought of marriage in the foreseeable future.

So the answer I’d give is that you should start dating only when you’re seriously contemplating and preparing for marriage.  In other words, when you’re looking for a wife!

How do I know if I’m ready to look for a wife?

One part of the answer is this: you may know you’re ready to look for a wife, when you’re actually looking for a wife and not merely a girlfriend.  A man should only pursue a serious relationship with a woman if his desire to start a lifelong relationship of committed love and self-giving sacrifice.  Just the other day, Lois and I were talking about how epidemic it seems in our culture that young men (of marriageable age) are far more interested in fancy electronic gadgets and fun sports and activities, than they are in “settling down” and growing up into godly men who serve God with mature, thoughtful and passionate zeal.

So the first sign of “readiness” is a desire to grow up.  In fact, as a father of two boys, I’m keenly aware that as they enter their teen years, it will be a temptation to simply be kids as long as they can.  My goal is instead to start to encourage them even now (at ages 4 & 6) to look forward to becoming men of God, and not merely boys forever.  In fact, I’m training them early on (by example and instruction) so that by the time they’re of marriageable age, they’ll also be of marriageable quality.

Which leads to the other part of the answer.  You’re ready to look for a wife, when you’re ready to be a husband.  And in this, I defer to the wisdom of pastor Voddie Baucham, who suggests that a husband must be a person who is ready to lead!  Briefly,

1. A husband must lead in love.
2. A husband must lead in the Word.
3. A husband must lead in righteousness.
4. A husband must lead in selflessness.
5. A husband must lead in intimacy.

(I’d encourage you to click through to the summary of the message from which the above points were taken, as well as listen to the message itself).

Given that some of the above can be very subjective, it’s also important that any man consult older, wiser counselors (men, women, couples) to see if they think that he is ready to pursue marriage.

When is it appropriate to act on my interest in a woman?

Assuming you can affirm the above principle of readiness for a relationship and for marriage, confirmed by godly counsel, then the answer is simple.  You can/should act on your interest in a woman when you have had sufficient opportunity to get to know her in a non-romantic context, ideally in the context of family and group/church/ministry interactions and when your interest is confirmed by the counsel of godly believers.

To merely be “interested” in a woman means very little.  Sure, you may “like” her, but have you seriously asked yourself whether, based on what you know of her, she would be a good fit for you as your most intimate lifetime wife & companion?  Here are some more specific questions along those lines:

• Is she a woman of virtue?  Have you had opportunities to evaluate her character?
• How is her walk with God?  Does she demonstrate a concern for modesty?  Are Christ-centered humility and joy evident in her relationships with others?
• What about her personality and temperament, esp. in contrast/comparison to yours?  Does she seem the kind of person who would help to complement your gifts, as well as your weaknesses?
• Is she a woman who demonstrates a desire to become a wife (and mother)?
• Do you see any of her faults?  A good test to see whether you’re simply on “cloud nine,” is to ask yourself whether you’re only enamored with some idealized idea of who she is, than the real person (a sinner!).
• Are you attracted to her only along one facet, or across multiple?  Put another way, are you attracted to her spiritually?  Physically?  Relationally?  In some cases, attempting to reject the world’s approach of mere physical attraction as the sole criterion for relationship, men make the mistake of just going after a woman based on “spiritual” qualifications (as if this were the only Biblical way that a husband a wife interact).  But a successful relationship is built on multiple facets, and these should all be taken into account in evaluating one’s attraction to a potential mate.

If you’ve asked some of the above questions already, and believe they point toward more than just superficial attraction; have you sought out counsel from older believers, preferably married couples who know the both of you?  Are you willing to hear them say, “stop?”

If you have a green light on all of the above, I think it’s appropriate to consider indicating your interest to her.

What should I say to a young lady I’m interested in?

Dear sister, I have observed you from afar, and I find myself increasingly growing in affection over these past months.  I would love to know you better, in the prospect of future matrimony, but “one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.“

More seriously, I think this depends on your personality and hers as well; as well as your particular circumstances in life.  However, I think there are some bare minimums:

• your intention to court/date her for the purpose of marriage
• your seriousness in this venture — that it’s not merely rooted in “fancying” her, but in a serious considering of our desire to find a godly wife
• your willingness to wait for her to contemplate your advance and to consult with godly counsel, should she so desire
• your respect for her, and desire for honesty and openness regardless on whether she reciprocates your interest

Do not require an immediate response, and all the same, don’t be afraid to ask her to get back to you in a reasonable amount of time.  Incidentally, I thought this tale gave an account of a young man giving an appropriate courtship speech (emphasis mine):

In our first conversation he clearly told me he wanted to be a pastor, that he was going to have to go to seminary, that we would probably be poor, and that he wasn’t sure where we would end up serving. He also made it clear that if our courtship worked, we would get married as soon as we could. If I didn’t want that, we would stop the courtship immediately.  … We got engaged in six weeks and married as soon as I finished school in December.

Oh, and one more thing.  Have her read our post on “What’s A Woman To Do?” =-)

I’m not a ‘leader’ by nature, am I still required to initiate?

I don’t believe the Bible provides an allowance for a man to abdicate his role as leader in a relationship, no matter his personality.  A more reserved man’s leadership will take on a different character than a more outgoing man’s, but both are called in the marriage relationship to display self-giving, sacrificing, loving servant leadership.  Some of the most humble, meek and mild-mannered men I know have ably served their wives as leaders and providers, and it was not by changing their personality, nor by backing off of their God-given responsibility to lead.

If you’re unable to initiate a relationship, I’d encourage you to consider how ready you are to sustain one as God would have you do.

What if I’m not sure if she’s interested in me?

Go for it anyway.  If you’re afraid of her not “liking” you back, note that one of the most amazing God-glorifying, gospel-saturated weddings I ever attended was the union of a couple where the groom had initially been turned down by his bride several years prior, only to have their paths cross years later and the Lord bring them together.

Part of growing up and being a man is being willing to handle rejection.  I don’t like it, either, and I’ve had plenty of practice.  But that don’t mean I should avoid doing hard things.

Don’t try to “look for clues” to see if she reciprocates your interest.  If you have prayed, sought counsel, thought long and hard; and after all that truly believe she would make a wonderful helpmate to you, then go on and tell her so!

In other words, whether she reciprocates your interest should not be a gating factor in whether you should be willing to pursue her.  If she really is a godly woman, and you’re a godly man; she will find a gracious way to convey to you if she doesn’t see “the two of you” happening.  And you’ll both move on (or as above, come back together later on!).

I don’t understand girls/women. Any insight you can offer?

Ask your mom/sister(s).  Talk to women in your church.  Read blogs like Girl Talk and Radical Womanhood.

If there’s one thing I have learned from 7+ years of marriage, it’s that women are different.  And the greatest challenge for me as a husband is to appreciate and learn from our differences, and not merely dismiss those differences as (stereotypically) “emotional” and “strange.”

Remember: women are just people like you and me.  Aren’t you glad now at having read this post to encounter my brilliant insight?

Where can I find a godly young woman whom I might marry?

Find a church that is strongly committed to teaching, preaching, and living out the Word of God.  Look for one with a strong commitment to equipping families, and discipling men and women in their distinct roles and responsibilities before God.  It may not seem as great a place to find a wife as some churches that are made up mostly of eligible singles; but you’re a lot more likely to find a wife who is committed to the vision of Biblical marriage and family life in a church that is already building up families in such a vision.

If you live in our area, you’re welcome to check out our church. =-)

What’s an appropriate level of interaction with women I’m not interested in?

This question is actually not asked much by guys, sadly.  It’s one that’s been raised by a number of young women, however, that Lois and I have encountered over the years; so it is worth answering.

1 Timothy 5 says to treat, “younger women as sisters, in all purity.”  Sadly, purity (and related virtues) are not well-taught by the church and by culture.  This is not merely an exhortation to sexual purity, but in all respects.

Let me try to elaborate.  Don’t act in any way toward a sister in such a way that she might misinterpret it as romantic interest.  Don’t be overly involved in her emotional and spiritual life, especially in one-on-one contexts.  Don’t be “accountability partners” or pray with each other extensively or personal issues.  If you find she is inclined to share struggles she’s having with you, be bold enough to encourage her to find an older woman from whom she can gain encouragement, support and counsel.  Don’t go out to even casual meals with her alone.  These are all simply recipes for sending signals that you’re interested, when you are not, and have the potential for emotionally manipulating her heart.

In reality, the above should be applied even to a woman you are interested in, but are not yet ready to pursue.

For further reading:

• The Myth Called Adolescence:  an article from Rick Holland, Associate Pastor of College and Student Ministries at Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, CA
• Disciplines of a Godly Man by R. Kent Hughes
• Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Josh Harris
• Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart by John Ensor
  • A sermon from Ensor on the topic can be downloaded here