We continue with part two of the relationship series. In this post we will talk about how a woman should approach a relationship.

Should I initiate? Or is it always a man’s initiative to do so?

I believe it is wise for a woman not to initiate and should leave it to the man to do so. This may sound very old fashioned, but keep in mind that it was God’s design for a man to initiate and a woman to respond.

To clarify, it is not a sin for a woman to initiate. However, what I find is that when a woman does the initiating, she will soon find that she always needs to initiate in many other aspects of their relationship. With the woman as the lead, the man takes the back seat. They will eventually come to a point where both are dissatisfied with their relationship where the woman wishing her man be more of a leader. The man, on the other hand, may just be irritated because his woman who previously was satisfied with him is now dissatisfied with his lack of leadership. I really think when a couple does not look to conform to God’s design from the beginning, their relationship will inevitably suffer as a result.

What do I say or do with a guy who’s sending mixed signals?

I believe a woman has the right to ask the guy point-blank about his intentions. It is not right for a man to toy with a woman’s heart by sending mixed signals.

I believe there are two reasons why a man sends mixed signals to a woman. First, he might just be clueless. He may not know that the way he behaves in front of a woman is toying with a woman’s heart. If this is the case, asking the man directly of his intentions is helpful for both sides. It teaches the man to examine how he should act and behave appropriately with the opposite sex. Naturally, this helps the woman so that she is no longer confused of their relational status.

The second reason a man sends mixed signals is because he is truly interested. Instead of being brave or be man enough to ask a woman out, he is approaching it in a more cowardly manner. He would rather fish for clues instead of just coming out to make his intentions known. By asking him his intentions, she forces him to be honest and forthright. Again, this clears any misunderstanding or confusion both sides may have.

How do I say “not interested” graciously?

This is NOT how a woman should turn down a guy:

You could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it. … and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.

Ouch! And kudos to anyone who knows where this quote comes from. I believe most of my female readers out there know where this fiery rejection originates. For my male readers, the quote is from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and was spoken by Elizabeth Bennett to Mr. Darcy when he proposed to her (the first time — guys, read up on his very dignified response).

Now. . . onto the serious answer:

If a woman is not interested in a guy, she should turn him down a manner that’s considerate and gracious. Instead of saying no in haste, she should ask him for some time to consider his request. Keep in mind that the woman should only take several days up to a week to get back to the man. This is not a hold fast rule, just a kind and considerate rule. She needs to keep in mind that while she’s taking her time to think it through, the man is waiting anxiously. By asking for some time isn’t a stalling tactic, rather, it’s a way to prayerfully and thoughtfully consider a man’s request. Not only should the woman be praying about this particular decision, she should seek an older woman or couple’s counsel. She should not tell all her friends about this lest the man be embarrassed by it.

If after praying and seeking the counsel of an older woman or couple and she’s still not interested in the man, she should communicate to the man that at this point in her life, she does not believe that the Lord is leading them together as a couple.

How do I say, “Hey look over here!” discreetly? Or should I?

The only example I could think of in the Bible is Ruth who discreetly made herself known to Boaz, her future husband. Both Ruth’s husband and father-in-law died years ago, and under her mother-in-law Naomi’s guidance, Ruth presents herself in an appropriate manner to Boaz. Ruth did exactly what Naomi wanted her to do. In Ruth 3:6-13, we see Ruth uncovering Boaz’s feet and laying down at his feet at night. It wasn’t until late into the evening that Boaz realized there was a woman laying at his feet. After finding out it was Ruth, Boaz knew the meaning and promised her that if no one would redeem her, i.e. marry her, then he will. The rest of the book tells of the kindness Boaz shown on Ruth and Noami and in the end, he married Ruth after going through all the right channels.

There are several points worth mentioning here:

1. Ruth was under the guidance of an older woman, i.e. her mother-in-law Naomi. Even though Boaz was a close relative, he was not the closest relative, but Naomi knew of his character and chose him.
2. It was not inappropriate for Ruth to uncover Boaz’s feet and lay at his feet at night. According to the Bible Knowledge Commentary, “The uncovering of the feet was a ceremonial act that was completely proper. Probably the scene took place in the dark so that Boaz had the opportunity to reject the proposal without the whole town knowing about it.” (p. 425)
3. Ruth was recognized by everyone as a woman of noble character (Ruth 3:11). She was not an immoral woman who tried to entice Boaz to herself.
4. Boaz was not completely uninterested in Ruth. He noticed Ruth and was kind to her by allowing her to glean in his field. In addition, he invited her to eat with his workers and protected her (Ruth 2)

From the example of Ruth, how does a woman present herself discreetly before a man in the modern day? I think the best way to declare, “Hey, look over here” is to put yourself under the guidance of an older woman or couple. This older woman/couple should act as your agent or guide. They can pass your name along and inquire of the man’s interest. They can also assess whether the man you are interested in is indeed of good and noble character, just as Naomi knew that Boaz was a man of noble character.

Remember, Ruth was known throughout the town that she was a noble woman. Likewise, you should be known in your community as a godly, kind, and loving woman. Your inner beauty will attract the right person into your life more than any other beauty.

I have become attracted to a man and I have lots of feelings for him, but I don’t know if he’s interested in me. What do I do with all the feelings I have for him knowing that I am not in the position to initiate?

Keep in mind that feelings are fickle and fleeting. Don’t trust and rely on feelings solely. When women dwell on their feelings, they become so consumed by it that they make an idol out of the imagined possibility of a relationship. A woman should first check her devotion to the Lord and see if her feelings for a man have eclipsed her devotion to the Lord. If so, she needs to get right with God.

Even though a woman may have strong feelings for a man, she should simply lay those feelings aside. The man is not hers; so in the meantime, she should treat him as she might treat someone else’s husband.

What do I do while “waiting for Mr. Right?”

Instead of just waiting for Mr. Right you should try working on being Mrs. Right. Rather than focusing all your attention for the right person to come along, you should really seek ways to refine your character and prepare yourself for being the right person. Be patient and in God’s timing, God will bring the right person into your life.

Book recommendations?

Sure. For further reading, I’d recommend:

• Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliot
• Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney
  • This book’s focus on being a godly wife and mother. But there’s scarcely a better way to become so than by doing preparation rather than learning “on the job.”