I had the privilege of preaching God’s Word this morning in our church’s worship service, filling in for our pastor-teacher who’s taking a family vacation.  It’s really a terrific honor to be a messenger of God’s Word to His people, and I believe God was gracious and enabled me to deliver His Word with clarity and conviction.

My primary text was Philippians 1:27-28.  The main thrust of the message was that the church must be committed to living worthy of the gospel.  The marks of such a commitment are pursuing unity by the power of the gospel, upholding the centrality and truth of the gospel, and sustaining a clear and courageous witness of the gospel to the lost.

Listen for yourself, if you like.  Or, read my sermon notes.

And just for fun, here’s a wordle from my sermon manuscript:

I learned the three R’s when I was in elementary school. Since then I haven’t heard much about the three R’s and I’m not sure if the reason is due to my own ignorance or if it’s simply out of style as a teaching philosophy. What exactly are the three R’s? They stand for Reading, wRiting, and aRithmetic. I truly believe that in the elementary grades, the three R’s are all one should focus or concentrate. When I talk to homeschoolers, especially newbies, many seem so paralyzed by all the subjects and curricula available at their disposal. Rather than being empowered to homeschool, they feel very inadequate simply because there is so much to do. What I’m afraid of is that instead of proceeding with confidence in homeschooling, people shrink back in fear and quit even before they start. In this post I hope to shed some light on homeschooling and encourage anyone who is interested in homeschooling to “just do it!”

Before I move on, a little background on me. I am not a veteran homeschooling mom. I’ve only been homeschooling for three years, but I have been reading and researching for the past seven years. My thoughts on homeschooling are based on books/articles I read, interaction with homeschooling moms, and my personal experience in homeschooling.

Now that homeschooling has gained popularity across the country, more and more vendors are catering to this niche. While this is good because it means we have more access to many different curricula, this can also bad because there are simply way too many choices to pick from. Now we have to weed through many curricula to find the right one for our family. Such a task can be very tiring and discouraging.

In addition to the overwhelming resources available, our discouragement may come from other homeschooling moms. In their zealousness for homeschooling, they tell of their experience of homeschooling and all the subjects, activities, field trips, and extracurricular activities they do year round. Undoubtedly we feel the pressure to be just like them. Soon enough we are burned out!!! Our vision for homeschooling is no longer as clear and inspiring.

So, what is one to do? The answer is: focus on the three R’s for grades K-3. Concentrate on reading, writing, and arithmetic. What about other subjects such as science, social studies, music, sports, and history? I’m not discouraging anyone from doing these subjects, but these subjects should be secondary to the three R’s. In our homeschool, we do history, science, and music but only when we have already tackled the three R’s. If we run out time, or life otherwise interrupts us, we simply don’t do the other subjects. With this approach our lives are much more sane and manageable.

I should also mention that before you start homeschooling, you don’t have to have all your ducks lined up, meaning you don’t need to have everything together in order to start. One of the beauties of homeschooling is learning together with your child. Just as your child is learning how to read, you are learning how to better teach and adjust to your child’s uniqueness. No curriculum out there will teach you how to study your child and his individuality.

For those who are interested in the three R’s, Ruth Beechick’s The Three R’s is a great book to get started on teaching reading, writing and arithmetic.

My recent sewing project was making bloomers for my three-year-old active girl.  So, what exactly are bloomers?  They are basically shorts worn under skirts or dresses for modesty.   After seeing my daughter jumping, twirling, and swinging her legs in all sorts of directions while wearing a dress, I knew a pair of bloomers would help keep her pantie covered.  We are actively teaching her to behave in a ladylike fashion but while she is still learning, a pair of bloomers helps.

I used McCall’s M4505 view F for the below bloomers:

This past Sunday, a brother in our church preached a sermon titled “Heart Check.”  He challenged us to examine whether we’d allowed lesser things to displace our love for Jesus (MP3 and handout).  It was a convicting and encouraging message at the same time.

That evening, as I was getting ready to “lay me down to sleep,” I opened to that evening’s entry in Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening.  And was convicted to the core of the smallness of my affections for Christ, and how foolish I have been in many areas of my life — willing to settle for lesser things, instead of pursuing after the only One who could bring my soul deep and abiding satisfaction and joy.

Here’s an excerpt (with updated English) that struck me particularly:

O true believer, called by grace and washed in the precious blood of Jesus, you have tasted of better drink than the muddy river of this world’s pleasure can give you; you have had fellowship with Christ; you have obtained the joy of seeing Jesus, and leaning your head upon His heart. Do the trifles, the songs, the honors, the merriment of this earth satisfy you after that? Have you eaten the bread of angels, and can you live on husks? [Samuel] Rutherford once said, “I have tasted of Christ’s own manna, and it has put my mouth out of taste for the brown bread of this world’s joys.” It seems to me it should be so with you.

I’d encourage you to spend a few moments on the reading yourself.

We continue with part two of the relationship series. In this post we will talk about how a woman should approach a relationship.

Should I initiate? Or is it always a man’s initiative to do so?

I believe it is wise for a woman not to initiate and should leave it to the man to do so. This may sound very old fashioned, but keep in mind that it was God’s design for a man to initiate and a woman to respond.

To clarify, it is not a sin for a woman to initiate. However, what I find is that when a woman does the initiating, she will soon find that she always needs to initiate in many other aspects of their relationship. With the woman as the lead, the man takes the back seat. They will eventually come to a point where both are dissatisfied with their relationship where the woman wishing her man be more of a leader. The man, on the other hand, may just be irritated because his woman who previously was satisfied with him is now dissatisfied with his lack of leadership. I really think when a couple does not look to conform to God’s design from the beginning, their relationship will inevitably suffer as a result.

What do I say or do with a guy who’s sending mixed signals?

I believe a woman has the right to ask the guy point-blank about his intentions. It is not right for a man to toy with a woman’s heart by sending mixed signals.

I believe there are two reasons why a man sends mixed signals to a woman. First, he might just be clueless. He may not know that the way he behaves in front of a woman is toying with a woman’s heart. If this is the case, asking the man directly of his intentions is helpful for both sides. It teaches the man to examine how he should act and behave appropriately with the opposite sex. Naturally, this helps the woman so that she is no longer confused of their relational status.

The second reason a man sends mixed signals is because he is truly interested. Instead of being brave or be man enough to ask a woman out, he is approaching it in a more cowardly manner. He would rather fish for clues instead of just coming out to make his intentions known. By asking him his intentions, she forces him to be honest and forthright. Again, this clears any misunderstanding or confusion both sides may have.

How do I say “not interested” graciously?

This is NOT how a woman should turn down a guy:

You could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it. … and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.

Ouch! And kudos to anyone who knows where this quote comes from. I believe most of my female readers out there know where this fiery rejection originates. For my male readers, the quote is from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and was spoken by Elizabeth Bennett to Mr. Darcy when he proposed to her (the first time — guys, read up on his very dignified response).

Now. . . onto the serious answer:

If a woman is not interested in a guy, she should turn him down a manner that’s considerate and gracious. Instead of saying no in haste, she should ask him for some time to consider his request. Keep in mind that the woman should only take several days up to a week to get back to the man. This is not a hold fast rule, just a kind and considerate rule. She needs to keep in mind that while she’s taking her time to think it through, the man is waiting anxiously. By asking for some time isn’t a stalling tactic, rather, it’s a way to prayerfully and thoughtfully consider a man’s request. Not only should the woman be praying about this particular decision, she should seek an older woman or couple’s counsel. She should not tell all her friends about this lest the man be embarrassed by it.

If after praying and seeking the counsel of an older woman or couple and she’s still not interested in the man, she should communicate to the man that at this point in her life, she does not believe that the Lord is leading them together as a couple.

How do I say, “Hey look over here!” discreetly? Or should I?

The only example I could think of in the Bible is Ruth who discreetly made herself known to Boaz, her future husband. Both Ruth’s husband and father-in-law died years ago, and under her mother-in-law Naomi’s guidance, Ruth presents herself in an appropriate manner to Boaz. Ruth did exactly what Naomi wanted her to do. In Ruth 3:6-13, we see Ruth uncovering Boaz’s feet and laying down at his feet at night. It wasn’t until late into the evening that Boaz realized there was a woman laying at his feet. After finding out it was Ruth, Boaz knew the meaning and promised her that if no one would redeem her, i.e. marry her, then he will. The rest of the book tells of the kindness Boaz shown on Ruth and Noami and in the end, he married Ruth after going through all the right channels.

There are several points worth mentioning here:

1. Ruth was under the guidance of an older woman, i.e. her mother-in-law Naomi. Even though Boaz was a close relative, he was not the closest relative, but Naomi knew of his character and chose him.
2. It was not inappropriate for Ruth to uncover Boaz’s feet and lay at his feet at night. According to the Bible Knowledge Commentary, “The uncovering of the feet was a ceremonial act that was completely proper. Probably the scene took place in the dark so that Boaz had the opportunity to reject the proposal without the whole town knowing about it.” (p. 425)
3. Ruth was recognized by everyone as a woman of noble character (Ruth 3:11). She was not an immoral woman who tried to entice Boaz to herself.
4. Boaz was not completely uninterested in Ruth. He noticed Ruth and was kind to her by allowing her to glean in his field. In addition, he invited her to eat with his workers and protected her (Ruth 2)

From the example of Ruth, how does a woman present herself discreetly before a man in the modern day? I think the best way to declare, “Hey, look over here” is to put yourself under the guidance of an older woman or couple. This older woman/couple should act as your agent or guide. They can pass your name along and inquire of the man’s interest. They can also assess whether the man you are interested in is indeed of good and noble character, just as Naomi knew that Boaz was a man of noble character.

Remember, Ruth was known throughout the town that she was a noble woman. Likewise, you should be known in your community as a godly, kind, and loving woman. Your inner beauty will attract the right person into your life more than any other beauty.

I have become attracted to a man and I have lots of feelings for him, but I don’t know if he’s interested in me. What do I do with all the feelings I have for him knowing that I am not in the position to initiate?

Keep in mind that feelings are fickle and fleeting. Don’t trust and rely on feelings solely. When women dwell on their feelings, they become so consumed by it that they make an idol out of the imagined possibility of a relationship. A woman should first check her devotion to the Lord and see if her feelings for a man have eclipsed her devotion to the Lord. If so, she needs to get right with God.

Even though a woman may have strong feelings for a man, she should simply lay those feelings aside. The man is not hers; so in the meantime, she should treat him as she might treat someone else’s husband.

What do I do while “waiting for Mr. Right?”

Instead of just waiting for Mr. Right you should try working on being Mrs. Right. Rather than focusing all your attention for the right person to come along, you should really seek ways to refine your character and prepare yourself for being the right person. Be patient and in God’s timing, God will bring the right person into your life.

Book recommendations?

Sure. For further reading, I’d recommend:

• Let Me Be A Woman by Elisabeth Elliot
• Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney
  • This book’s focus on being a godly wife and mother. But there’s scarcely a better way to become so than by doing preparation rather than learning “on the job.”

Well here goes. Lois promised all y’all a series on dating / relationships, and we’re going to start it off today with a focus on the practice of dating. In order to keep it readable and engaging, we’ve opted for a question and answer format for these posts. If you have follow-up questions, feel free to comment. For today, Lois is providing the questions, and I the answers.

What do you think about dating?

That depends in part on what you mean by “dating.” I came from a fairly conservative upbringing, so growing up I wasn’t really part of the dating scene. Not for lack of trying, ha ha. But my impression in general is that “dating” typically involves young people — including those in high school who generally are in no position or interest to marry in the immediate future — getting together and spending time alone. Sometimes the term “exclusive dating” is used to describe a context in which a man and woman are spending lots of time together alone and also call each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” with an agreement that they not “see” anyone else.

In most cases, no one starts “dating” looking to have their hearts broken. But one could equally argue that it’s a very small minority of folks who do date others who have even the slightest inkling of the “end goal” of such a relationship. Especially during the teenage years, it seems that boys and girls date in order to “feel loved” or accepted. I’m guessing if you surveyed high school aged youth who are exclusively (or even loosely) dating others, you’d be hard pressed to find more than a sprinkling of folks who’d say they were dating with marriage in mind. And that is, I suppose, the general problem with dating. For most people, dating is a bit like a test drive. They like how the car looks, they’ve looked a bit at the specifications, and they want to take it out for a spin. But if it’s not comfortable or doesn’t fit them quite right, they take it back to the dealer and look for another. The problem is: people aren’t cars, and we weren’t made to be “spun.” A dealer test car scarcely puts on a few hundred miles before getting sold and is more or less new, untainted condition. But people who “date” end up getting their hearts entwined, entangled, and usually broken at least a couple of times. What does that do to their heart? I’d suggest it’s the psychological and emotional equivalent of scar tissue.

And I’m not even talking about the secular culture which doesn’t even blink twice about physical intimacy (sex) between unmarried, uncommitted couples, often called “hook ups.” I do think, however, that as much as the church talks about sexual purity — and with cause, for the Bible is especially stern about sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6:18-20) — we also need to be aware of the damage caused by emotional and spiritual intimacy that’s not guarded and guided by the precepts and boundaries of a marriage relationship.

When God made Adam, he said it was not good for him to be alone. So he made him a helper, Eve. And God’s intent was for them to meet each other’s needs: Adam would serve Eve as her protector and provider, and Eve would serve him as his helper and companion. Their relationship was clearly defined, and it was covenantal: “the two shall become one.” In contrast, the modern concept of dating — even in Christian circles — generally encourages spiritual, emotional (and “limited” physical) intimacy without the underlying commitment. And in doing so, as someone has suggested, it does more to prepare people for divorce than it does for a lifelong marriage commitment. After all, as the songs says, “breaking up is hard to do” but it’s altogether common! Growing deeply close to someone of the opposite sex without the responsibilities and protection accompanying a marriage covenant is hazardous at best, destructive at worst. And dating, as it’s typically done, encourages that sort of intimacy without any framework of protection for either the man or the woman, or reasonable expectation of marriage as the culmination of the dating relationship.

So in summary, I’d say dating as it’s commonly practiced or understood is an unhealthy approach toward “finding love,” let alone finding a spouse. In particular, the key problems with modern dating are the absence of clarity with respect to marriage in the future; and the heavy tendency to emphasize one-on-one intimacy apart from others, which tends to cause the couple not to get a clear picture of the other’s suitability for future marriage.

Is there an alternative to dating?

I think there is. Alex Chediak has a book titled 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life which presents various alternatives, and from what I’ve heard it’s a helpful anthology of perspectives. In every case, the authors argue for an approach toward relationships that discourages “emotional and physical promiscuity” that typical dating tends to encourage (as I’ve described above). Josh Harris also has a well-known book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye which writes from a similar premise about the danger and fallout of modern dating models.

In general, I think the problem is simple: we tend to approach dating as we approach test-driving a car (we can drive it around a bit, and in the worst case, we’ll get another one in about 10 years!). But we weren’t made for short-term relationships with the opposite sex. I once offered my sympathies to a co-worker who’d recently finalized a divorce. Her response? “No, don’t say that. It’s really for the best!” I let it go then, but I’m tempted to respond to that attitude, “Oh really? When you got married, did you really think, a few years will be just fine. No, you wanted a lifelong relationship of love and joy!!!” So what changed? I think what has changed is our expectations from relationships, and that’s come from the fact, again, that dating breeds an expectation of “break-up” and “romance” and “personal fulfillment” instead of a culture of commitment and growing in love.

I think it’s important to insert here that the Bible is nearly silent on the subject of how to find a wife or husband. While there are examples of what some refer to as betrothal, and others “courtship,” and certainly it’s silent on the idea of “dating,” you’d be hard-pressed to suggest that the Bible strongly advocates any particular method of finding a spouse. So before proceeding, I want to stipulate that it’s unhelpful to attempt to argue dogmatically for one specific methodology, because the Scriptures don’t give us that.

But the Bible is not silent on the importance and significance of marriage, and the principles that underly a successful marriage. And among these principles are the importance of commitment, accountability, discipleship, purity, maturity and ultimately marriage to the glory of God. The problem we have is not merely the framework of “dating” — it’s our understanding of why we should “date”, and even why we should marry, and what kind of people we ought to be in the pursuit of a future anticipated marriage relationship.

What then? Let me quote from Alex Chediak, who’s co-written a book with his wife titled With One Voice: Singleness, Dating and Marriage to the Glory of God. He suggests this alternative to typical “dating”:

Friendships should blossom in community and family settings to the degree possible and progress with caution as interactions and conversations become more substantive. When proper, a man ought to declare his intentions without excessive delay and tenderly lead a particular woman into a committed relationship that is marriage-directed. She ought to honor his masculinity and her own femininity in the process by responding to and affirming his leadership, without either undue caution or prematurely surrendering her heart.

One key element that Chediak highlights is the importance of community and family in helping young men and women act with prudence, honor and care. Some, especially when emphasizing the family element, have called this “courtship,” referring to the practice of cultures in which a young man will pursue a young woman in the context of her family. In this model, he is forced to declare his intentions (for future marriage) to the woman’s parents before getting involved with her. In addition, this model has been said to provide protection for the young woman, rather than leave her alone to balance a desire to be a wife against the desire to fend off unqualified “suitors.” I would suggest that in an “ideal world,” a father should endeavor both to model the godly husband (so his daughters know what to look for, and his sons know what to be like) and to help protect his daughter’s heart from inappropriate intimacy with young men who are either uninterested or unqualified to be her husband.

There is much to commend about the “courtship” model, especially its insistence on the involvement of hopefully wiser and more discerning parents amidst the “fluttering hearts” and frequently entangled judgment of their children. But as much as it’s not Scripturally commanded, again, I think it’s critical to emphasize that the principle is not parental oversight, but the involvement of others who can help provide wisdom, accountability and encouragement; such as the local church. And the importance of marriage as the endpoint of any romantic involvement, and “growing up” into adulthood as part of that transition.

It should go without saying that I do not mean by “accountability and encouragement” that you are simply following the advice of of your peers who are urging, “You should go out with him/her!” I especially am intending to point young people to pursue meaningful relationships with older (and ideally married) believers who can be more objective and provide counsel and guidance in “this delicate dance.”

I come from a broken family. How do I have a courtship relationship if my parents can’t be involved?

As I said above, courtship is not so much about getting your parents involved, especially if they’re not nearby. Though I think there is an underestimation of the insight that parents can have regarding their own children, even if the parents are not believers.

If you come from a broken (or unbelieving) family, then I think what’s most critical is that you’re connected with at least one mature Christian couple and family. In a sense, this is to compensate for the absence of modeling and godly counsel in your past (and present). Because your goal is not just “romantic love,” but marriage to the glory of God; you should be interacting as much as possible with those who are already in that phase of life so as to be able to discern (and desire) the things that accompany a fruitful, God-glorifying marriage.

For young men, I think you should seek to have one or two married older men who will give you honest and loving counsel about you and not just “potential wives.” The man who is growing in godliness is the one who will attract a godly woman, and head toward godly marriage. Those same men (and ideally their wives) can also provide counsel about the suitability of any young woman in whom you might have interest (and sometimes even direct your attention to a sister who you’ve overlooked!).

For young women, the same applies; but an additional factor also comes into play. A young Christian woman coming from a distant, broken or non-Christian family also lacks the careful godly protection of parents who will help her to guard her heart. She wants to be loved & protected; but isn’t always discerning as to whether a given “suitor” possesses the maturity and desire to truly do so. That same young woman should be willing to seek out a Christian couple who can be her “parents” in the faith. This couple can provide her the guidance, counsel and protection that she would otherwise have been able to seek from her parents.

Can you recommend some books for further reading on this subject?

My favorite question! Absolutely. Here are some books that I’ve read, or heard of, which I think will shed helpful insight on the matter (in no particular order):

• With One Voice: Singleness, Dating and Marriage to the Glory of God by Alex and Marni Chediak
• Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Josh Harris
• Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart by John Ensor
  • A sermon from Ensor on the topic can be downloaded here
• 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life by Alex Chediak
• Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot

We have gotten to know a lot of fine young college and post-college folks over the past year. We are very privileged that they want to hang around with us old fogeys, especially with our rambunctious kids. Of the many conversations we had in the past, one topic that consistently comes up is relationships. I admit that I’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time and that this topic isn’t on the front burner any longer. However, for these young ‘uns, it is very important. Evers and I decided that for the next several weeks or maybe months, depending on how much free time we have, we will write about relationships. We pray and hope that young folks will find the series helpful as they pursue godly relationships with the opposite sex.

We are considering writing about the following topics:

• The courtship model
• Is it okay to be a spiritual accountability partner of the opposite sex?
• How to assess the fitness of a man/woman as your husband/wife
• Physical attraction and personal evaluation
• Relationship resources

If there are any other topics pertaining to relationships, please let us know (privately or via comments) and we’ll do our best to address them.