I love my children. But even as my children are different, I’ve come to learn that they need to be loved differently.

For example, my second son, Andrew, is arguably the most huggable and the most affectionate of our four children. He’s the first to offer a hug, or ask for one; and is the most likely to spontaneously tell me he loves me.

In contrast, our eldest, Matthew, is much more typical “boy” — some have remarked 200% boy — and is more squirmy and fidgety, especially when I tell him to come over so I can give him a hug or other show of affection.

For me, it’s been a real challenge to learn how to love Matthew (and feel loved by him). While Andrew expresses himself in ways that are altogether obvious and compatible with my personality, Matthew is whole different creature with a very different personality from me. So his boyishness has often seemed a hurdle in our relationship, and as much so with respect to learning his “love language,” in giving and receiving love, as anything else.

I’ve come to learn that while Matthew enjoys hugs and kisses from me, the impact of such physical affection isn’t as strong as Andrew. Over the years I learned what makes Matthew feel loved is by chasing him around the house, tackle him, and be wild with him. This type of rough housing is the door to his heart. Even though it’s lot easier for me to dispense hugs and kisses, I have to remind myself that the door to his affections is through being wild with him.

The lesson is simple: all children are different and they need to be loved differently. One of our tasks as parents is to find out what makes each of our children tick, and how to make them feel loved.  This is simply a specific application of a general tenet in parenting: that each child is uniquely made by God, and our job is to help nurture each child into a unique person fully realizing his/her potential by God’s grace.