One of the things I like and dislike at the same time on having children is how they act just like me. I like it because it is so funny when they act out my idiosyncrasies. I dislike it because they act out my unrefined moments as well. They are my personal mirrors and they often reflect my current mood. I know how I’m doing personally when I look at how my children act and behave. Sadly, I haven’t been very patient, loving, and kind towards my children recently. Having children is such a refining and sanctifying experience because I get immediate feedback when I am sinning. Such immediate feedback are not normally present when interacting with adults. Even when we behave badly, most of our friends are patient, and are not quick to point out our follies or to be too forthright about it. Children, however, by their tendency to mirror our actions, tend to show us (if we are willing to see) exactly where our faults are - in “real time.” I am humbled. Even though I don’t like my current reflection, it drives me to repentance and hopes for a better tomorrow. His mercies are sufficient for each day’s toil and this is what I rely upon.

Inspired by Kim at Life In a Shoe, we made funnel cake tonight.  I had always enjoyed eating funnel cake at the county fair or farmer’s market.  Thanks to Kim I can now make my own and enjoy it without the expensive price.

Swirling the batter into the pan.

Frying in the pan after it’s been turned.

Sprinkled with powder sugar.

Some happy customers.

On Saturday our family went to the Ardenwood Historic Farm for their annual Harvest Festival. The children had a great time wandering through the farm, looking at different animals, picking corn, sampling some cookies and ice cream, and best of all, riding the train. As usual, I had my oldest write a simple field trip report to document the day.

Men milling corn into flour using a tractor to power the mill:

Daddy and the kids looking at sheep:

Mommy, Calissa, and Andrew at the pumpkin patch:

Matthew helping us to harvest popcorn:

Here’s Daddy and the kids shucking the corn we harvested:

Today was one of those days where I lacked motivation to do school. In order to redeem the lost morning, I decided to do something fun for the kids. I packed the kids in the car and off we went to the Children’s Discovery Museum. Now that we’re members, I can really go whenever my brain decides to shut down temporarily.

The boys playing with a floating ball.

Andrew inside an ambulance.

Emmie driving a big truck.

Andrew and Calissa looking at a bee hive.

Andrew and Matthew in the water play area.

It is not uncommon these days to hear parents say that they have no influence over their teenagers. It is also not uncommon to hear teenagers say that they don’t listen to their parents. My children are still young and they still depend on me for many things so I’d say that I have a lot of influence over them. I also believe that they value my opinions and see me as an authority figure whom they respect. Will this change once they hit the teenage years? Will I accept this as the norm, seeing that this is the current phenomenon?

Someone once told me that it doesn’t matter what you may think of your children when they are young, or what they think of you, but once they hit the teenage years, they are off to the emotional psycho land where there’s nothing you can do about. That was rather depressing to hear, and that certainly wasn’t an encouraging comment as I was pregnant with my first child at the time. Contrary to this advice, however, I have seen examples of parent-teen relationships that are close, tight-knit and loving! I really hope and pray that my children will value my opinions when they are older. But I also know there is more to this than just prayer. It requires work. In those families where I have seen teenagers valuing their parents’ advice and would confide in them their deepest thoughts and feelings; those parents made explicit choices in how much time and what kind of time their family spent together.

I’m well aware that my children are “not there yet.” As I noted above, I’ve been reminded on numerous occasions when others have observed our close relationship with our children, “You just wait until they’re teenagers…” with ominous overtones. And I know that indeed as children become older, there is undoubtedly going to be a shift in how we relate to them. But I refuse to accept the common wisdom that such a shift must be negative.

Here’s my conclusion, then: being our children’s main influence beyond the early years requires premeditated parenting! How often I encounter moms of young children whose “plan” for parenting is essentially: get them to the point they’re in school, then … send them to college. Thus, the bulk of their parenting is focused on… getting them to college! And for those from this group that are Christians, it seems that while much concern is certainly there for their children’s salvation, little thought seems to be put on the parents’ role in discipling their children, and the ongoing relationship between parent and child through the years. So it seems to me that many parents today reap what they sow: they’ve invested in conversion & college, but not personally in discipleship, maturity, and wisdom. It’s almost a recipe for “the teenage years” as they are typically depicted.

What sort of premeditated parenting is required? Based on those observations, and in reflection on this subject, here are some ideas that have come to mind on how to remain my children’s main influence:

1. You must have their hearts. This means you know how your children think or feel, what motivates them, what gets them going, what makes them tick, and what they treasure or value. When you know them this intimately and lovingly, they will most likely confide in you and treasure your opinions.
2. You must be humble, teachable, and ready to ask for forgiveness when you have wronged your children. I grew up in a culture where asking for forgiveness is not known. It is acceptable for an older person not to seek forgiveness from a younger person when they’ve wronged that younger one. Yet asking for forgiveness from my children is something I firmly believe in, and clearly a Biblical command. Even though I may have been reluctant in the past to ask for forgiveness, I believe I have always apologized to my children when I have clearly wronged them.
3. You must spend a lot of time with your children. While the children are young, you spend many hours caring for their physical needs. When they are older, they need a lot of time from you to satisfy their emotional needs. Quality time with your children can’t be scheduled. Quality time is a result of spending quantity time with your children. It is often in the mundaneness of life that quality time comes about. So, press on even when the time you spend your children seems boring or pointless. I really believe that your children value the fact that you are taking unhurried time to sit and listen to them.
4. Be vigilant in how you allow your children to spend their time. Involving children in sports, music, and other extra-curricula activities is commonplace in the American culture. While I don’t have anything against these types of activities, I believe we often spend too much time entrenched in activities that are not lasting. We need to practice moderation. Sometimes good things become the enemy of best things.
5. Be careful of whom your children befriend. Proverbs 13:20 says “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” This proverb is very simple; if your children walk with the wise, they will likely be wise. Conversely, if your children walk with the fools, they will incur harm. Don’t let the unwise steer your children’s hearts away from you.
6. Be authentic with your children. Children are especially keen on whether mom or dad is being real or not. They live with you so they know. If you don’t practice what you preach, your children know. Be a good role model for them and live a life that is real and honest. When they see you walk the talk, they will most likely listen to you when you give them advice or suggestions.
7. Pray for them constantly.

I first started researching about homeschooling when I was pregnant with our first baby and I continue to research and read up on homeschooling now 5 1/2 years down the road. One thing that stood out for me during my research was the importance of cultivating a love for learning. One of our measures of whether we will have successfully raised our children is whether they will have developed a love for learning.

Too often we see children stop learning or wanting to learn when school is over. It’s as if they have a switch in their heads where it can be turned on and off depending when school is in session or not. It saddens me when I hear kids say that school is boring or that they are not learning anything. There is no enthusiasm for learning and all of life seems like a drag. This seems so often the rule rather than the exception.

Will my children suffer the same fate? I certainly hope not. How then do I plan to help my children cultivate a love for learning? Here are some of my ideas:

1. Be a role model. Children read and want to learn when they see mommy and daddy enjoy reading and learning.
2. Surround your child with great books. There are nutritious foods and junk foods, and likewise, there are nutritious books and junk books. Provide what’s nutritious for your children’s minds.
3. Help your children to relate what’s written to real life. If you’re reading about fish, take them to the aquarium to see the actual fish. If you’re learning about plants, take them outside and go on a nature walk.
4. During their early education, make school as fun and exciting and interesting as possible. For this reason I continue to research and find what makes my children tick. We do paper-and-pencil school work, but I try to do as many hands-on activities as possible. I find that learning through games gets my children excited about learning. Of course, as they grow older, I expect them to be able to learn in “non-fun” ways as well.
5. Go on field trips. I find that if I make plans in advance, we will more likely go on field trips more consistently. Our current goal is to go on one field trip per month.
6. Whenever we can, teach them in the “milieu” of life. Enthusiasm over the most seemingly mundane things can give them a sense that the world is full of things to discover (which it is!).
7. Talk often with your children. My husband is a better communicator than me and I often see him explaining a concept or idea to my children using very tangible examples and analogies.

Of late I heard people say, “I don’t stay at home with my children because I’m too impatient” or “I don’t homeschool because I’m not patient enough.” One can insert whatever task to the “I don’t do ____ because I’m too impatient.” This, of course, makes me wonder about myself and my patience level because I do stay at home with my children and I even homeschool. Does this mean I am more patient? Perhaps I have perfected or almost perfected the virtue of patience? On the contrary, I’d be the first to tell anyone that patience is something I continue to ask and beg of God when I homeschool and take care of my children. I am keenly aware of my shortcomings, especially being impatient towards my children.

I strongly suspect that when people say they are too impatient to do this or that is because they don’t want to. We must all search our hearts and souls for the real reason. One thing we must understand is that even if you are greatly lacking in patience, God can help you and He uses circumstances, especially tasks that you deem as impossible, to shape you. There are many times where I ask God why I was given so many difficult circumstances, and over and over again I learn that God gives me trials to sanctify me.

Next time you’re tempted to give the impatience excuse, search your heart and trust in God. It may be very well that the very task you think you’re unfit for is the very task that God wants to use to shape and mold you. Rather than taking the easy route, consider taking the more difficult route and let God stretch you and grow you.