With Emmaline’s recent hip surgeries, life has been especially hard caring for her emotional well-being as well her physical needs. We are very grateful that she’ll only need to be in the cast for three more weeks. What a tremendous relief for all of us.
As I was driving on the road last week, I was overwhelmed with lots of emotions after talking with my husband about his prolonged visit to Emmaline’s surgeon. Without much self-control, my mind took me to a place where I didn’t want to be (or shouldn’t be). I began to grumble about all the extra work needed to care for Emmaline, many long visits to the doctors, long drives to the doctors, many visits from various therapists, etc. By the time I caught myself in a self-wallowing state, my heart was already angry.� I didn’t want to be in this condition but I just didn’t know how to change my mood.
My car stereo was on at the moment and the song “Always Forgiven” was playing.
I don’t deserve to be Your servant
And how much less to be Your child
Anger and wrath, sure condemnation
Should be my portion, my just reward
Never have seen it, never will know it
Your loving kindness enfolds my life
All You have shown me is
Grace, love and mercy
Now and forever, I am Your child
Freely You pour out Your loving kindness
Father of Grace, You welcome me in
All of the sin I have committed
Was placed upon Your righteous Son
And now You see me through His perfection
As if I’d never done any wrong
Always forgiven, always accepted
No fear of judgment before your throne.
The truth in this song grabbed hold of me. Tears fell. I realized how merciful and kind God is towards me. Who am I to complain about the extra work needed for Emmaline? What God did for me was many many times greater than what I do for Emmaline. It’s simply not comparable. My mood changed and I was no longer in a self-pitying state.
After this short episode, I find it interesting that the lyrics in this song had no direct relation to what I was going through at the moment. Yet I was affected by them. The song spoke of God’s mercy and kindness in pardoning and saving a sinner like me. I, on the other hand, was going through an emotional turmoil about caring for my daughter Emmaline. What do the two have to do with each other� Nothing much, in one sense. Yet what I experienced was the effect of gaining God’s perspective, especially as it relates to His mercy poured out on the cross and ever since. The truth of God was powerful. It changed me and it made me realize how kind God is towards me. When I finally understood this awesome act of God, my current suffering didn’t seem to matter much anymore.